A fellow is stuck on his rooftop as flood waters rise around him. "Lord, save me!" he said. The Lord speaks in booming but soothing tones, "My child, be at peace. I will save you."
As the streets begin to overflow with water, a four-wheel drive pickup pulls up to the curb. "Get in!", the driver calls to him, "I'll drive you to safety!"
"No, the Lord will save me", the fellow says.
The water rises 'til it's half-way up the houses. Wheeled traffic can no longer use the streets, but a small boat makes it to the house. The guy in the boat calls out "Get in! I'll take you to safety!"
"No", the fellow says with a calm smile, "the Lord will save me."
Before long, the water has covered the house. The man is standing on the roof peak, in water up to his knees. A helicopter whizzes up, and a rescuer is lowered on a rope. "Get in!", the rescuer calls out over the helicopter's noise, "We'll fly you to safety!"
"No", the fellow says, "the Lord will save me."
The water continues to rise, and eventually the fellow drowns.
As he enters Heaven, St. Peter says to him, "Many people, upon arriving here, have questions they wish to ask the Almighty. Is there anything you'd like to ask?"
"Well, yes, there is."
"Follow me", St. Peter says, leading the man through a great door into a beautifully decorated office. Seated behind a vast desk sits the Lord.
"Lord", the man says, "I have a question. When I was on the roof, I asked you to save me, and you said you would. So why did you let me drown?"
The Lord leans forward in his chair and says gently to the man, "My son, I sent a truck, a boat and a helicopter. Why didn't you get into one of them?"
____________________________________
Joe Baker, who recalls that EVERY good and perfect gift comes from the Father -- even if no miracle is evident.
"Luck" is what happens when preparation meets opportunity -- Seneca
It seems that same Sunday School teacher was teaching her class about the story of how Lot and his wife were told by God to only look in the direction they were going. Of course Lot's wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt. That same little girl raised her hand, and when called on by the teacher, said, "That's nothing! My mom looked back the other day and she turned into a utility pole."
How do you tell if a trombone player is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).
A man walking on the beach finds a magic lamp and rubs it. The genie who appears tells him he may only have 1 wish vice the usual 3.
The man thinks a bit and says "You know I've never been to Hawaii because I'm too scared to fly. I'd like a bridge to Hawwaii so I could drive over."
The genie looks at the man and says "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard anyone wish for. Do you not understand tidal currents? distances? Why, just the ammount of concrete alone would cease all construction world wide. No, I won't do it. Make another wish."
The man thinks a bit longer and replies "I've never had luck with women. I'd like to know what it is that makes women happy."
The genie asks "You want that bridge 4 or 6 lane?"
New Breed, Old Breed! It doesn't matter so long as it's the Marine Breed!
Brassdad wrote:A man walking on the beach finds a magic lamp and rubs it. The genie who appears tells him he may only have 1 wish vice the usual 3.
The man thinks a bit and says "You know I've never been to Hawaii because I'm too scared to fly. I'd like a bridge to Hawwaii so I could drive over."
The genie looks at the man and says "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard anyone wish for. Do you not understand tidal currents? distances? Why, just the ammount of concrete alone would cease all construction world wide. No, I won't do it. Make another wish."
The man thinks a bit longer and replies "I've never had luck with women. I'd like to know what it is that makes women happy."
The genie asks "You want that bridge 4 or 6 lane?"
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps some things hot and some things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing.... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.
"What's that,' he asked?
"Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, " she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".
_____________________________________________________
Brassdad who married a blond and produced 2 more!
New Breed, Old Breed! It doesn't matter so long as it's the Marine Breed!
Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in
two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
New Breed, Old Breed! It doesn't matter so long as it's the Marine Breed!
IowegianStar wrote:A set of jumper cables walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks the jumper cables over slowly and says, " I'll get you your drink, but you better not start anything".
Haha, well if we're pulling out these, then I guess here we go:
1) A hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender looks at the hamburger and says "sorry pal, we don't serve food here."
2) A man walks into a bar with a large piece of asphalt under his arm. The bartender says "what'll it be?" The man replies "a beer for me, and one for the road."
3) A toothless termite walks into a bar and says "hey! where's the bar tender?"
A surprised store clerk rushed over to a blind man who was swinging his guide dog around by the tail.
"Sir, may I help you!"
"No thanks. Just looking around."
2. Tschaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the other five. [5 pts.]
3. Explain "counterpoint" or write your name on the reverse of the paper. [10 pts.]
4. Which of the following would you tuck under you chin? [1 pt.]
a) a timpani
b) an organ
c) a 'cello
d) a viola
5. Can you explain "sonata form"? (Answer yes or no.)
[5 pts.]
6. Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument? [5 pts.]
7. Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest first. [4 pts.]
a) Quickly
b) Slowly
c) Very Quickly
d) At a Moderate Pace
8. Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance? [5 pts.]
9. Arrange the following words into the name of a well known Puccini opera. [5 pts.]
Bohème, La
10. Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz? [5 pts.]
11. From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come? [5 pts.]
a) Venezuela
b) Sri Lanka
c) Germany
d) Japan
12. For what town were Haydn's "Paris" Symphonies written? [5 pts.]
13. Which one does not belong? [5 pts.]
a) Fantasy Overture Romeo and Juliet -- Tchaikovsky
b) Romeo and Juliet -- Berlioz
c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet -- Prokofiev
d) Ninty-nine bottles of beer on the wall -- anon.
14. Spell the following musical terms. [5 pts.]
allegro
rallentando
pizzicato
intermezzo
15. Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera? [5 pts.]
16. Arrange the following letters to form the abbreviation for a well known British broadcasting corporation. [5 pts.]
