Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[tubatooter1940]

Know why women close their eyes when they make love?
They can't stand seeing the old man having a good time.

[VinnyFromBrooklyn]

there is 2 type of people in the world
1 that finish list
....

[iiipopes]

Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

Yes, those are the last words a Redneck says. But what is not so well known are the next-to-last words that usually and immediately precede the above: "Hey, Bubba, will you hold my beer?"

[iiipopes]

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

Ouch. In my part of the country, there have actually been home-brew kitchen meth labs that have done exactly that. In context. With children present as described above. With other people present that meet the entire criteria set forth above as well. Might as well laugh as cry as the remains and debris are gathered, identified, segregated and memorialized.

[arminhachmer]

I got a new drummer for the Dixie band. He sent me this:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A musician went on vacation to the islands. When he got off the boat, he
heard the drummers playing an island rhythm. He found it fascinating.
However, after several hours, the sound of the drums became an annoyance, so at
dinner, he asked the waiter, "When do the drums stop?"

The waiter went pale and stammered, "No. No. Drums not stop. Very bad when
drums stop."

After tossing and turning through the night, he called the front desk at 2
a.m. to ask when the drums would stop. "No. No. Drums not stop. Very bad
when drums stop."

After a sleepless night, he was waiting at the front desk for the manager.
He asked once again, "When do the drums stop?"

Again came the reply, "No. No. Drums not stop. Very bad when drums stop."

Grabbing the manager by his shirt, the man screams, "What happens that's so
stinking bad when the drums stop?"

The manager replied, "Tuba solo."

[tbn.al]

BBone Bear.png

Joke's on me ..........................sort of.

[tbn.al]

BC.jpg

[opus37]

So, how do you get a guitar player off you porch?







(You pay for the pizza.)

[Teubonium]

Q. How many conductors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Nobody knows 'cause nobody watches conductors!

[roweenie]

Q: Why did the Cyclops give up his teaching gig?

A: He only had one pupil.

[Uncle Buck]

How to Give a Cat a Pill:
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

[arminhachmer]

[quote="bloke"]You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

...your father walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
...your porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs.

oh ok, enough, i hear moaning...

[roweenie]

[Uncle Buck]

If Microsoft built cars:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash......... twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[roweenie]

Q: What does the Starship Enterprise and a roll of toilet paper have in common?

A: They both visit Uranus and wipe out Klingons...

[tubapix]

Why did the koala fall out of the tree? - It died.
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? - It was hit by the first koala.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree? - It thought it was a game.
Why did the man cycling through the bush fall off his bike? - He was hit by three koalas.

[Uncle Buck]

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Jim took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat... And nearly drowned! Jim just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?" Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"

[TheTuba]

Time for a resurrection of my old joke thread.

An elderly woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Old Woman: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Yes ma'am: You were speeding.

Old Woman: I was? Oh, my. I *am* sorry, officer.

Officer: Ma'am, I need to see your license and insurance information.

Old Woman: Well, I don't actually *have* a license...

Officer: You don't have a license?

Old Woman: It was revoked four years ago for a repeat DUI offense.

Officer: I see... Well, I still need to see your proof of insurance.

Old Woman: I can't give you that, either, officer.

Officer: Why not?

Old Woman: Well, I don't have any insurance on this car: I stole it.

Officer: Excuse me, ma'am? You're saying that you have no license or insurance and that you *stole* this vehicle?

Old Woman: Yessir, I did. Oh, and I killed the owner and sawed his body up into smaller pieces to make it easier for me to get rid of them.

Officer: WHAT?

Old Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you need to see them.

The officer draws his weapon, yells at the woman to put her hands on the wheel in plain sight and then slowly backs away to his car to call for back up. Within a few minutes five additional police cars surround the stopped vehicle. Five patrolmen squat behind their vehicles, sidearms drawn, the old woman in their sights. A sergeant, the shift supervisor, slowly approaches the car, pistol drawn...

Sergeant: Ma'am! Step out of the vehicle — NOW!

The woman smiles nervously and complies with the sergeant.

Old Woman: Is there a problem, sir?

Sergeant: My officer told me you stole this car and murdered the owner.

Old Woman: Murdered the owner??? WHAT???

Sergeant: Yes, ma'am. Step to the rear of the vehicle and open the trunk for me.

The woman turns the key and opens the lid, revealing... an empty trunk.

Sergeant: Is this *your* car, ma'am?

Old Woman: Yes, sir. Here are my registration papers and my proof of it being fully insured.

The patrolman is stunned by this. The sergeant is confused.

Sergeant: My patrolman reported in that you do not have a driving license, that it was revoked for repeat DUI offenses.

The woman digs into her huge handbag, pulls out a clutch wallet and hands it to the supervisor. He and the patrolman examine the license and give each other puzzled looks.

Sergeant: Ma'am, I would like to apologize. My patrolman reported that you didn't have a license, that you were driving a stolen vehicle, and that you had murdered and dismembered the owner, packing his body parts into plastic bags that you then stored in the trunk, in an attempt to destroy the evidence.

Old Woman: I'll bet that SOB told you I was speeding, too.

2nd best joke i've heard

[jbaylies]

Why did the old man fall in the well?




Because he couldn't see that well.

[bort]

Did you know that there's a branch of Scientology that is just for pilots?

It was started by Aileron Hubbard.