Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository
Forum rules
Be kind. No government, state, or local politics allowed. Admin has final decision for any/all removed posts.
Be kind. No government, state, or local politics allowed. Admin has final decision for any/all removed posts.
- windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
- Posts: 11512
- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:41 pm
- Location: 8vb
-
- 6 valves
- Posts: 4109
- Joined: Mon Mar 22, 2004 4:24 pm
- Location: San Antonio, Texas
- Contact:
- ThomasDodd
- 5 valves
- Posts: 1161
- Joined: Tue Mar 23, 2004 11:37 am
- Location: BFE, Mississippi
-
- 6 valves
- Posts: 4109
- Joined: Mon Mar 22, 2004 4:24 pm
- Location: San Antonio, Texas
- Contact:
Thanks for bringing me up to speed. Now I get it.LV wrote:Things are just a little laid back in Ole Miss, Ray. Takes 'em til monday to catch up, that's all!TubaRay wrote:I especially like #10.
What's wrong with you people in Mississippi, Wade? Friday funnies on Monday? OOOOOOOOOK!
Ray Grim
The TubaMeisters
San Antonio, Tx.
The TubaMeisters
San Antonio, Tx.
- windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
- Posts: 11512
- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:41 pm
- Location: 8vb
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~W.C. Fields
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue . . "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
~Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . . and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires........but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink...and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.....the trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation .. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Phyllis Diller
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good .. spit it out.
~Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal
~W.C. Fields
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue . . "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
~Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . . and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires........but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink...and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.....the trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation .. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Phyllis Diller
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good .. spit it out.
~Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal
- windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
- Posts: 11512
- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:41 pm
- Location: 8vb
This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to
be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue
after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and
there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he
pulls it and music starts playing!
"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A.
and drags the poor guy back to the table.
"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again.
"...On the road again..."
The M.A. is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.
"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen? "the guy asked,
"Are you kidding?" says the M.A.
"Any a@@hole can sing country music!"
be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue
after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and
there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he
pulls it and music starts playing!
"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A.
and drags the poor guy back to the table.
"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again.
"...On the road again..."
The M.A. is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.
"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen? "the guy asked,
"Are you kidding?" says the M.A.
"Any a@@hole can sing country music!"
-
- 6 valves
- Posts: 4109
- Joined: Mon Mar 22, 2004 4:24 pm
- Location: San Antonio, Texas
- Contact:
-
- 6 valves
- Posts: 2530
- Joined: Mon Mar 22, 2004 11:09 pm
- Location: alabama gulf coast
I knew it was my last day as a beach goer when a cute little beach bunny ran up to me and said, "Gee Mr. Gray,your face gets so red when you try to hold your stomach in."
www.johnreno.com/
www.johnreno.com/
- Joe Baker
- 5 valves
- Posts: 1162
- Joined: Fri Mar 19, 2004 8:37 am
- Location: Knoxville, TN
Don't even try to download this without high-speed internet -- but don't miss it if you do!
http://www.txpiggy.com/menincoats.wmv
______________________________
Joe Baker, who wishes like heck this WAS Friday...
http://www.txpiggy.com/menincoats.wmv
______________________________
Joe Baker, who wishes like heck this WAS Friday...
- ThomasDodd
- 5 valves
- Posts: 1161
- Joined: Tue Mar 23, 2004 11:37 am
- Location: BFE, Mississippi
I missed Monday but...
Makes you rethink some of those wild college parties...A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children, and walked out of the store. The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! " Then he got a little panicky."I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?" "No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's secondgrade teacher!"
Or just keep track of you children's teachers
- windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
- Posts: 11512
- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:41 pm
- Location: 8vb
A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from
'round here are ya?'
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do
ya do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks,
"What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"
"The man says,"I mount animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole
bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from
'round here are ya?'
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do
ya do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks,
"What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"
"The man says,"I mount animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole
bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
- MaryAnn
- Occasionally Visiting Pipsqueak
- Posts: 3217
- Joined: Fri Mar 19, 2004 9:58 am
- Joe Baker
- 5 valves
- Posts: 1162
- Joined: Fri Mar 19, 2004 8:37 am
- Location: Knoxville, TN
This couldn't possibly have taken place in Tennessee. I've been here for almost three years, and have yet to find any of the locals who don't have their taxidermist on speed dial -- in the single digits, no less! It's considered not so much a job as a calling -- you know, like a priest or a NASCAR driver.windshieldbug wrote:A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from
'round here are ya?'
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do
ya do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks,
"What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"
"The man says,"I mount animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole
bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
I always heard it took place up north somewhere...
____________________________
Joe Baker, who thinks anyone who lives in a state with a town called "Bucksnort" HAS to know what a taxidermist is!!
- ThomasDodd
- 5 valves
- Posts: 1161
- Joined: Tue Mar 23, 2004 11:37 am
- Location: BFE, Mississippi
There's supposed to be a town name "It" in Mississippi. I've never been there, and online maps don't list it (they have Itta Betta, home town of B.B. King and Marion Barry)
My personal favorite is here
My personal favorite is here
Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)
I have a neighbor that says she watches The Weather Channel for two to three hours a day. That's scary.the elephant wrote:6. You watch the Weather Channel.
I'm not exactly young (For tuba4sissies: It was 35 years ago when I was in 10th grade and first made the Texas All-State Band.); but I still can't bring myself to watch The Weather Channel.
- ThomasDodd
- 5 valves
- Posts: 1161
- Joined: Tue Mar 23, 2004 11:37 am
- Location: BFE, Mississippi
Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)
I watch long enough to catch the "locals on the 8s". Nax of 10 minutes, but I'll usually go back to where I was untill closer to the 8s, rather than watch while waiting for the locals.Mark wrote:I'm not exactly young but I still can't bring myself to watch The Weather Channel.
Does that even count as "watching" ?