Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Mon Jun 06, 2005 12:39 pm

26. You actually remember why "Deep Throat" was important (no, not the movie... Well, OK, the movie, too!)

Doug@GT · Post by **Doug@GT** » Mon Jun 06, 2005 1:22 pm

I'm 75% grown up, according to this...darn it.

Carroll · Post by **Carroll** » Mon Jun 06, 2005 2:59 pm

What did it for me...

When I got into my STATION WAGON and went down to SEARS to buy a LAWN MOWER! I knew I was not a kid anymore.

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Mon Jun 06, 2005 3:09 pm

I especially like #10.

What's wrong with you people in Mississippi, Wade? Friday funnies on Monday? OOOOOOOOOK!

ThomasDodd · Post by **ThomasDodd** » Mon Jun 06, 2005 6:14 pm

TubaRay wrote:What's wrong with you people in Mississippi, Wade? Friday funnies on Monday?

Hey now! I resemble that remark...

Seriously though, Wade is just "precious" in the, true, Southern, sense of the word :)

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Tue Jun 07, 2005 12:39 am

LV wrote:
TubaRay wrote:I especially like #10.

What's wrong with you people in Mississippi, Wade? Friday funnies on Monday? OOOOOOOOOK!
Things are just a little laid back in Ole Miss, Ray. Takes 'em til monday to catch up, that's all!

Thanks for bringing me up to speed. Now I get it.

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Tue Jun 07, 2005 12:55 pm

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~W.C. Fields

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue . . "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . . and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires........but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink...and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.....the trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
~Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation .. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good .. spit it out.
~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
~Billy Crystal

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Mon Jun 13, 2005 11:16 pm

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to
be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue
after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and
there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he
pulls it and music starts playing!

"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A.
and drags the poor guy back to the table.

"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again.
"...On the road again..."

The M.A. is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.
"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen? "the guy asked,
"Are you kidding?" says the M.A.
"Any a@@hole can sing country music!"

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 9:59 am

I'd heard that one. It is important to remember that not just any a@@hole would want to.

tubatooter1940 · Post by **tubatooter1940** » Tue Jun 14, 2005 9:40 pm

I knew it was my last day as a beach goer when a cute little beach bunny ran up to me and said, "Gee Mr. Gray,your face gets so red when you try to hold your stomach in."
www.johnreno.com/

Joe Baker · Post by **Joe Baker** » Wed Jun 15, 2005 9:11 am

Don't even try to download this without high-speed internet -- but don't miss it if you do!

http://www.txpiggy.com/menincoats.wmv
______________________________
Joe Baker, who wishes like heck this WAS Friday...

ThomasDodd · Post by **ThomasDodd** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 2:51 pm

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children, and walked out of the store. The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! " Then he got a little panicky."I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?" "No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's secondgrade teacher!"

Makes you rethink some of those wild college parties...

Or just keep track of you children's teachers

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:08 pm

A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from
'round here are ya?'
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do
ya do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks,
"What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"
"The man says,"I mount animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole
bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

MaryAnn · Post by **MaryAnn** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:33 pm

bloke wrote:Here's one that Mary Ann will probably like:

http://www.storewars.org/flash/

HEE! You're absolutely right....LOVED it. Am sending the url to a few organic friends.

MA

Joe Baker · Post by **Joe Baker** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:35 pm

windshieldbug wrote:A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from
'round here are ya?'
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do
ya do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks,
"What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"
"The man says,"I mount animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole
bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

This couldn't possibly have taken place in Tennessee. I've been here for almost three years, and have yet to find any of the locals who don't have their taxidermist on speed dial -- in the single digits, no less! It's considered not so much a job as a calling -- you know, like a priest or a NASCAR driver.

I always heard it took place up north somewhere...

____________________________
Joe Baker, who thinks anyone who lives in a state with a town called "Bucksnort" HAS to know what a taxidermist is!!

MaryAnn · Post by **MaryAnn** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:39 pm

My favorite town name is Gnaw Bone, which is in Indiana. Southern Indiana, of course.
MA

Joe Baker · Post by **Joe Baker** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 4:45 pm

My other favorite is "Cut and Shoot, Texas", mebbe 60 miles north of Houston.

ThomasDodd · Post by **ThomasDodd** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 5:22 pm

There's supposed to be a town name "It" in Mississippi. I've never been there, and online maps don't list it (they have Itta Betta, home town of B.B. King and Marion Barry)

My personal favorite is here

Mark · Post by **Mark** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 6:05 pm

the elephant wrote:6. You watch the Weather Channel.

I have a neighbor that says she watches The Weather Channel for two to three hours a day. That's scary.

I'm not exactly young (For tuba4sissies: It was 35 years ago when I was in 10th grade and first made the Texas All-State Band.); but I still can't bring myself to watch The Weather Channel.

ThomasDodd · Post by **ThomasDodd** » Tue Jun 21, 2005 6:21 pm

Mark wrote:I'm not exactly young but I still can't bring myself to watch The Weather Channel.

I watch long enough to catch the "locals on the 8s". Nax of 10 minutes, but I'll usually go back to where I was untill closer to the 8s, rather than watch while waiting for the locals.

Does that even count as "watching" ?

TubeNet

Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

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