Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[Doc]

Top 10 Drumming Mysteries


#10 The Stick Bag Metamorphosis

Having spent half an hour in the music store
selecting the perfect pair
of sticks, rolling, tapping and weighing them, you
pull them out at
the gig
that night to find that one of them suddenly feels
like a #2 pencil,
while the other feels like a softball bat.

#9 The Inverse/Pay Ratio of Gigs

The gig on which you can play exactly the kind of
music you want (to an
adoring crowd) and on which you find yourself
accomplishing things on
your instrument that would mystify Buddy Rich,
pays $20 (which you will
receive in your mailbox three months later). The
gig on which you play
utterly boring music, work with inept musicians,
drop a stick every
twelve
bars, and perform to a crowd that apparently hates
every note, pays
$300 (in
cash, in advance).

#8 The Mysterious Cymbal Bag Transformation

The $400 cymbal that you test in the music store
sounds like a choir of
angels. You excitedly rush it home and put it in
your cymbal bag. That
night at the gig, you take it out and begin
playing it, only to find
that
it has been mysteriously transformed into a piece
of Kryptonite that
clashes with all other instruments in all keys.

#7 The Suddenly Obsolete Equipment Part

At the exact moment a piece of equipment breaks,
replacement parts
disappear from every music store in existence. At
the same, the piece
is discontinued by the manufacturer. Attempting to
find a substitute part
at a hardware store, you are informed that the
threads on the piece are
incompatible with every known thread configuration
in the history of
machining. (This only happens if you use a common
brand of equipment.
If you are using a 1961 Trixon set, you will find an
abundance of parts at any 7-11 store.

#6 The "Evidence That There Is Evil In The
Universe" Bass Drum Pedal

Your trusty pedal works flawlessly through
hundreds of hours of
merciless stomping. Then one night, an agent who
is able to get a million
dollar record contract for your band comes in to
hear you play your
super-funk-fuzoid original tune. At the exact
moment the bass player
begins the incredibly syncopated figure you spent
two months rehearsing and
perfecting together, the pedal spring breaks.

#5 Multiple Vaporizing Drumkeys

The five drum keys in your stick bag, the two on
the floor tom tuning
lugs, and the one on your key chain simultaneously
vanish-as you sit
down to play for a crowd of ten thousand people and find
that your snare drum batter
head is split down the middle. (If you play a set
with slotted tuners,
all screwdrivers and coins will also vanish).

#4 The Equipment Schlepping/Weather Syndrome

You get a call for a gig with a high-powered rock
band. You load your
10-piece, 26-ply rock 'n' roll kit (the one with
the seventy-pound bass
drum and forty-five pound triple-braced cymbal
stands) into the car and
drive to the gig. There, you are informed by a
security guard that you
must park in the employee parking lot (which is a
mile away), drag your
equipment to the building, and go up six flights
of outside stairs because
the elevator is broken. As soon as you receive
this news, the worst
thunderstorm in recent history begins. Conversely,
you get a call to do
an hour of background music at a ****tail party.
You bring a snare drum and
a pair of brushes. Upon arriving at the gig, you
find that you are able to
pull your car up to a door that opens directly
onto the bandstand. The weather is perfect.

#3 The Famous Drummer/Unknown Drummer Sitting In
Syndrome

A world-famous drummer, who has recorded several
hundred albums, been on
the cover of Time Magazine, and authored two dozen
books, comes into the
club and is invited to sit in. As you cower
nervously in the corner, he
gets behind the drums and picks up the sticks. He
then proceeds to play
too loud, and with unutterably bad taste, while
dragging the tempo down to
half of what it originally was. After one tune,
the band politely ushers him
off the stage. Conversely, an unknown drummer
walks in the club and asks to
sit in. His claim to fame is two months on the
road in 1958 with the Claude
Kochanowski Polka Band. You graciously allow him
to play, assuring the
other band members that you will return after one
short tune. You leave
the bandstand with a knowing smile on your face.
Then your smile disappears
as the drummer proceeds to play things that would
send Vinnie Colaiuta back
to the woodshed. The band urges him to play the
rest of the night as you
sit in the corner mentally calculating how you're
going to pay this month's
bills now that you are out of a gig.

#2 The Wrong Drumkit Phenomenon

You show up at a gig with your new $10,000
hand-made African
teakwood-finished drumkit. You find that the gig
is outside, next to a
swimming pool. Kids are in the pool, throwing
tidal waves of water on
your set. Their parents are dancing directly in
front of your drums,
stepping on your front bass drum hoop and leaving
black rubber heel
marks all over the front head. It is 110 outside, and
pits are already beginning
to form on the drums' chrome from the sweat
pouring off of you. A waiter,
carrying a tray of food, slips in a puddle of
water and dumps guacamole all
over your tom-toms. The bartender, who is right
next to you, accidentally
knocks the lid off the blender while mixing a
batch of Brandy Alexanders,
plastering your beautiful wood-finished shells
with sticky brown goop.
Since you had to disassemble that kit to clean it up,
you have to make the next
gig with your spare kit-the thirty year old
no-name kit with the missing
bottom heads, peeling chrome, and bubbled pearl
finish-that you bought at a
garage sale for $25. A smiling bellboy helps you
remove the drums from your
car and carries them piece by piece into a large
ballroom, where you will
set them up on an eight foot riser under a
twenty-foot wide bank of dazzling
white stage lights. Steve Gadd will be sitting in,
and the gig will be televised.

And the #1 drumming mystery (drum roll please).....

#1 The Incredible Leaping Drumstick

At the precise moment in your drum solo when you
have brought your press
roll down to a whisper-quiet level at which it
sounds like a piece of
tearing silk, and you could hear a pin drop
because everybody has
stopped talking and every eye in the room is
trained on your hands, one of
your sticks suddenly........ Well, you know the
rest.

[windshieldbug]

Oh, sorry... I seem to have stumbled into ThunkNet!

[ken k]

In response to Bloke's yogi berra on jazz I submit this, which has been around for awhile also. enjoy:

Dear Bandleader: We look forward to your performance at our daughter's
wedding. If you don't mind, we would like to request a few of our favorite
songs. If you could play these at some point during the reception, we'd be
grateful. Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please have it
for the full ensemble and none of the 4/4 songs please. Mahavishnu
Orchestra,"Dance of the Maya," and please have the guitarist play John
McLaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov.16, 1972, at Chrysler Arena.
My wife and I were at that show and we particularly liked it. If you find it
too difficult, you can leave out the feedback. Any of John Coltrane's duets
with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their use of atonality is not
everyone's cup of tea, but all our guests love high register tenor saxes. We
thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. We
particularly like the "Infernal Dance..." or whatever it is called, from
"The Rite of Spring" (second version of 1932). If you want to use the sheet
music it's OK. We like a tempo of about quarter note = 93 (Ozawa). Then for
the "life candle" lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappa's "The Grand
Wazoo." If you want to play it in the original key of Bb, that would be
fine, but my cousin Janeene would like to sing the baritone sax solo. You
may have to play that part in another key - she has kind of a high voice.
When my daughter throws the garter, could you play just a little of Varese's
"Ionization?" It's such a cool piece, we think it would go over really well.
Much better than "The Stripper." And for the Bride & Groom's first dance,
please slow things down a bit by doing Barber's "Adagio For Strings". It's
so much better than "We've Only Just Begun" or "The Anniversary Waltz." When
my wife and I join in the first dance, could you please segue to Thelonious
Monk's "Ruby, My Dear." That's in honor of my wife's grandmother whose name
was Ruby. It would mean so much to the family. Thanks very much for all your
help. We'll certainly be happy to recommend your band to all of our friends.
By the way, the gig pays $350 for the group, and before you leave, please
feel free to ask the caterer for a sandwich and a soda to take with you.
Sincerely,
The Bride's parents

[ken k]

speaking of jazz, a few years ago when the Ken Burns film came out there was a spoof on Wynton's dissertations from the series. I thought I had it saved on my computer but can't find it. Does anyone have that saved somewhere. If so please post it here. I would love to read it again, since I have been taking that series out of the library the last few weeks.

ken k

[Daryl Fletcher]

Here you go: http://www.allaboutjazz.com/articles/arti0201_01.htm

Jazz, A Very Long Film by Ken Burns


By John Grabowski

Presenting Ken Burns' 144-hour Extremely Important documentary, "Jazz."

Fade up on a grainy old photograph of a man in a three-piece suit, holding a cornet. Or a bicycle horn, it's hard to tell.

Narrator: Skunkbucket LeFunke was born in 1876 and died in 1901. No one who heard him is alive today. The grandchildren of the people who heard him are not alive today. The great-grandchildren of the people who heard him are not alive today. He was never recorded.

Wynton Marsalis: I'll tell you exactly what Skunkbucket LeFunke sounded like. He had this big rippling sound, and he always phrased off the beat, and he slurred his notes. And when the Creole bands were still playing De-bah-de-bah-ta-da-tah, he was already playing Bo-dap-da-lete-do-do-do-bah! He was just like gumbo, ahead of his time.

Stanley Crouch: When people listened to Skunkbucket LeFunke, what they heard was Do-do-dee-bwap-da-dee-dee-de-da-da-doop-doop-dap. And they knew even then how profound that was.

Announcer: It didn't take LeFunke long to advance the art of jazz past its humble beginnings in New Orleans whoredom with the addition of something you've probably never heard of before, The Big Four.

Wynton: Before the Big Four, jazz drumming sounded like BOOM-chick-BOOM-chick-BOOM-chick. But now they had the Big Four, which was so powerful some said it felt like a Six. A few visiting musicians even swore they were in an Eight.

Stanley: It was smooth and responsive, and there was no knocking and pinging, even on 87 octane!

Announcer: Next came the great Tootsie-Roll Gorton. Gorton was a cornet player, gambler, card shark, pool hustler, pimp, male prostitute, Kelly Girl, computer programmer, symphony orchestra tambourine player, brain surgeon and he invented the internet. He's also famous for the song "Ain't gonna give you none of my Tootsie-Roll."

Stanley: Tootsie-Roll is a name that's sexual in nature. Let's just say it's that motion you get when you roll your Tootsie, okay? And the people then--don't kid yourself--they understood this. And it was very profound.

Wynton: Tootsie-Roll went "Deep-daap-da-dee-dap-doop-doop-bowp-bawp." And no one in New Orleans had ever heard that before. In fact, he often put a handkerchief over his head when he sang so no one would steal his stuff.

Announcer: He agreed to make a record, but only if they kept the recording machine turned off.

Stanley: And when you listen to that record today, you hear silence. But he *did* triumph--White cats never stole his stuff. --Except for John Cage maybe.

Announcer: When any musician in the world heard Louis Armstrong for the first time, they gnawed their arm off with envy, then said the angels probably wanted to sound like Louis. When you consider a bunch of angels talking in gruff voices and singing "Hello Dolly," you realize what a stupid aspiration that is.

Gary Giddy: Louis changed jazz because he was the only cat going Do-da-dep-do-wah-be-be, while everyone else was doing Do-de-dap-dit-dit-dee.

Stanley: And that was very profound.

Marsalis: Like gumbo.

Stanley: Uh-huh.

Matt Glaser: I will always have this fantasy that when Louis performed in Belgium, Werner Heisenberg was in the audience, and he was blown away by Louis' freedom and that's where he got the idea for his Uncertainty Principle. And I will always believe that even if you say it's crazy.

Giddy: It's crazy.

Marsalis: Because the Uncertainty Principle, applied to jazz, means you never know if a cat is going to go Dap-da-de-do-ba-ta-bah or Dap-da-de-do-bip-de-beep.

Stanley: And that can be very profound.

Announcer: The Savoy Ballroom brought people of all races colors and political persuasions together to get sweaty as Europe moved closer and closer to the brink of World War II.

Savoy Dancer: We didn't care what color you were at the Savoy. We only cared if you were wearing deodorant.

2nd Savoy Dancer: Word!

Glaser: I'll bet Arthur Murray was on the dance floor and he was thinking about Louis and that's where he got the idea to open a bunch of dance schools.

Stanley: And that was very profound.

Giddy: Let's talk about Louis some more. We've wasted three minutes of this 57-part documentary not talking about Louis!

Wynton: He was an angel, a genius, and much better than Cats.

Stanley: He invented the word "Cats."

Wynton: He invented swing, he invented jazz, he invented the telephone, the automobile and scat singing.

Stanley: People today wonder why it's called scat singing. But back then--don't kid yourself--they knew what it meant.

Wynton: There was even a song, "Don't give me none of your scat."

Stanley: And that was very--

The others: --Profound!

Stanley: Word!

Glaser: I'll bet Chuck Yeager was in the audience when Louis was hitting those high Cs at the Earle Theater in Philadelphia, and that's what made him decide to break the sound barrier.

Stanley: And from there go to Pluto.

[shot of an empty chair] Wynton: (off camera) I'm making gumbo. Who wants some?

Giddy, Glaser and Ken Burns raise their hand.

Stanley: BOOM-chick-BOOM-chick-BOOM-chick...

Announcer: In 1964, John Coltrane was at his peak, Eric Doolphy was in Europe, where he would eventually die, the Modern Jazz Quartet was making breakthrough recordings in the field of Third Stream Music, Miles Davis was breaking new barrier with his second great quintet, and Charlie Mingus was extending jazz composition to new levels of complexity, to name just a few. But we're going to talk about Louis singing "Hello Dolly" instead.

Stanley: Louis went, Ba-ba-yaba-do-do-dee-da-bebin-doo-wap-deet-deet-do-da-da.

Wynton: Sweets went, Scoop-doop-shalaba-yaba-mokey-hokey-bwap-bwap-tee-tee-dee.

Giddy: I go, Da-da-shoobie-doobie-det-det-det-bap-bap-baaaaa...

Ken Burns: The reason I made Jazz is I wanted to see if I could make a documentary that felt longer than the history of jazz itself, and yet still leave out half the great people because "there wasn't enough time."

Announcer: The rest of the saga of jazz music will be shown in fast forward and will occupy exactly seven seconds. ---There, that was it. Now here are some scenes from Ken Burns' next documentary, a 97-part epic about the Empire State Building, entitled "Ken Burns' Empire State Building":

[grainy shot of King Kong crushing airplanes with his fists] "It is tall and majestic. It is America's building. It is the Empire State Building. Dozens of workers gave their lives in the construction of this building."

Matt Glaser: I'll bet that they were thinking of Louis as they were falling to their deaths. I have this fantasy that his high notes inspired the immenseness of the Empire State Building.

Wynton Marsalis: I'll bet most people who'd fall off the Empire State Building would go "Aaaaaahhhh!" But these cats, they went "Dee-dee-daba-da-da-bop-bop-de-dop-shewap-splat!"

"That's next time on PBS."

[Doc]

HOW TO POOP AT WORK



We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.



CROP DUSTING:



When farting, you walk briskly around the office so

the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.



FLY BY:



This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.



ESCAPEE:



This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.



JAILBREAK:



When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.



COURTESY FLUSH:



The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.



WALK OF SHAME:



Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone

walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.



OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.



THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):



A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.



SAFE HAVENS:



A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.



TURD BURGLAR:



This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.



CAMO-COUGH:



A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.



ASTAIRE:



An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.



WATERMELON:



A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.



HAVANA OMELET:



A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.



UNCLE TODD:



An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

[windshieldbug]

You know you're a redneck when ...

(1 ) You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
(2 ) You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
(3 ) Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
(4 ) Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
(5 ) You burn your yard rather than mow it.
(6 ) You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
(7 ) The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
(8 ) Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
(9 ) You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
(10 ) You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
(11 ) You come back from the dump with more than you took.
(12 ) You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
(13 ) Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
(14 ) Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
(15 ) You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
(16 ) You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
(17 ) You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
(18 ) You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
(19 ) Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
(20 ) You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
(21 ) You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
(22 ) You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
(23 ) You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
(24 ) You have a rag for a gas cap.
(25 ) You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
(26 ) Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
(27 ) Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
(28 ) You can spit without opening your mouth.
(29 ) You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
(30 ) Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
(31 ) You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
(32 ) You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
(33 ) The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
(34 ) Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
(35 ) You thought the Uni-bomber was a wrestler.
(36 ) You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
(37 ) You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
(38 ) Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
(39 ) A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.
(40 ) You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
(41 ) You've asked the Preacher "How's it hangin'.?"
(42 ) You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
(43 ) You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
(44 ) Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

[Doc]

You know you're a redneck when ...

(1 ) You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

Seen it before.

(2 ) You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

Maybe 10 minutes.

(5 ) You burn your yard rather than mow it.

I wish I could.

(11 ) You come back from the dump with more than you took.

Seen it.

(12 ) You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Seen that, too.

(22 ) You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

Not me personally, but I know folks...

(23 ) You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

Been there, done that.

(26 ) Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

Not during Christmas dinner, but all through the holiday.

(27 ) Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

My brother bought a new Ford p/u in 1972 - it had curtains with the balls on them.

(28 ) You can spit without opening your mouth.

Chewed tobacco for 10 years. I'm an expert. If I were to spit at all, that is.

(32 ) You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

I was the Cool Whip King in college. (weren't we all?)

(35 ) You thought the Uni-bomber was a wrestler.

No, but that's some funny shit.

(36 ) You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

In the past, the ironing board has served many purposes besides ironing.

(37 ) You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

No, but I can relate.

(38 ) Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

King's X - I am a cop.

(41 ) You've asked the Preacher "How's it hangin'.?"

No, but I've said, "How the hell are you?"

(42 ) You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

It's also a ballet, but I've seen the high dive version many more times.

(43 ) You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Yeah, and...?

(44 ) Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

I still have all my choppers.

No dogs on chains. No wallets on chains either. No junk cars. None that I can see anyway.

Doc

[windshieldbug]

That was just "You know you're a redneck when... "

Doc, you already know!

[bloke]

You know you're a redneck when ...

You either really like this, or really do not like this:



bloke " "

[Doc]

My alma mater is this:



I have no regard for one way or the other.

Except that I loved touring the Jack Daniel's Distillery when I was there.

Doc

[ken k]

thank you Daryl!

ken k


I want a name like Skunkbucket Le Funke!!!!!