The elves are very busy, working their trusty lathes
cranking out more mouthpieces, after their morning shaves
time to beat the clock, with nine-hundred and ninety-nine orders
addressed, packed and delivered, across those distant borders...
TIME STARTS: GUITAR/BASS/DRUMS — ||4/4 D / / / || B- / / / || E7 / / / ||C#(bass)A7 / / / ||2/4 G7 / ||4/4 D / / / ||
ADD FLUTE/BASSOON
VERSE I
You tiptoed to the Christmas tree, it was ever so resplendent
your wife did the seasonal shopping, you worried how it ended
there it was, a tiny box, the smallest one of all
but it wasn’t on my wish list, that’s not what I need at all...
you already have too many mouthpieces, indeed a wealth of choice
if you’d practiced prudent spending, you'd have a nice Rolls Royce
I have my own collection too, hundreds more than you
I’ve tried ‘this cup’ and ‘that bore’, all larger than my shoe
HAVE YOU LISTENED?...THERE’S NO DIFFERENCE! it's really quite insane
forget the special ‘Signature Model’, cause’ you'll always sound the same
I know you have two hundred plus, but get some better hobbies
all that navel gazing will give you a case of the cold cold robbies
fine then, go ahead and try em' all, with your souped up PT Cruiser
OMG, are you actually playing a Bach 18, you sad sack loser?
- REFRAIN -
HO! HO! HO!
, on Yamaha!, on Holton!, on Getzen and D. Wick!as you discard each and every model, there’s something very sick
Alexander, Kosicup, Conn, and vintage King
don’t even touch the EURO stuff, unless you're into bling
WAIT! maybe the one you started on still works, that old and tarnished Besson!
nope...that wouldn’t work for anybody, therein lies a lesson
VERSE II
Mündstuck, boquilla, to the Brits they’re called gob irons
it depends on personal preference and tradition, even your environs
yes, they’re known by many names, these goblet shaped shrines
what exactly are you seeking? it’s the player, not the equipment that defines
Stainless steel, plexiglass, gold and rhodium
here’s a dusty classic, with an off-putting taste of sodium
is that a Mirafone C4? a lot of old timers use those
I can tell you’re an Academic too, just by the cut of your clothes
- REFRAIN -
HO! HO! HO!
on Couesnon!, on Kruspe!, and those weirdos from Eastern Europe dump that worn out Helleberg, it’s only good for pouring syrup
have you tried a Zylstra Model B, or a #6 Blechgrosenschmidt?
just don’t use them on your ‘CC’, or you’ll compleatly sound like poo
VERSE III
Damn that crazy teacher who badgered you, or coddled
inflicting his quack theories as your embouchure grew mottled
inheriting all his mouthpiece cast-offs, just like a guinea pig
you're better off booking a nice getaway, in icy cold Winnipeg
(BASSOON - 4 BAR FILL)
(drum roll) Marcinkiewicz, Marzshenkenhiltz, Marzipan-schlitz
no one can pronounce this correctly, it’s ever so bewitched
take a deep breath, say it three times or you’re sacked
no, no and no, that’s not even close, now you’ve really cacked
I see you’ve avoided some practice, claiming no time to rehearse
you’d rather just try out mouthpieces, till they put you in a hearse
Myself?...I use a drilled out helmet from the Spanish Royal Army
it’s working very well for me, though the sound is pretty smarmy
- REFRAIN -
HO! HO! HO!
on Martin!, on Marzan!, Breslmair, and infamous Huttl !endorse these if you will, but expect a full rebuttal
no one cares what you use or how you sound today
time to sell your bloated collection, no doubt to your dismay
VERSE IV
Not quite ready to quit, you head for the local music store
‘I’ve got eighty pounds of mouthpieces, so what’s one or two more?...’
here comes the crafty salesman, flashing a prototype mega Schilke
no thanks, not today you say, my chops are smooth and silky
‘now this’ counters the salesman, ‘will surely be the Grail’
you pucker and blow - nice, but no top ‘G’ - all to no avail
down to the last box now, you’re really getting desperate
so frustrated and confused, with little chance for respite
(DRUMS - 2 bar fill)
The salesman pulls out his ace - a mint condition Bach Mt. Vernon
you know there is no magic bullet, you’re slowly but surely learnin’
then something glints and catches your eye, something hard to reach
you feel the excitement building, THIS one will be a peach
‘put that one down’ the salesman barks, ‘you put THAT one right back’
‘that one’s Jake's special model, and you are just a hack’
— CODA — band a cappella
Santa’s gone back North, the elves are fast asleep
you’ve invested in those mouthpieces, you're really in quite deep
there is an escape from this, a tried and true solution
pick the best one, and throw the rest in the ocean
—BAND PLAY OUT— || A+9 / / / | Bb7 / / / | E7 / Bb7 G- || F7 Bb / Bb- || A+ / / / | D- / / / | B- Bb7 / / || Fine
