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So my primary method of emptying water from my old Conn sousa is to swing it up so the valve casings are vertical, then waggle the buttons causing water to just RAIN out of the bottom valve caps.

Hardly ever get anything out the water keys.

Does this mean
(a) my valves are really loose
(b) I play *really* wet
(c) all of the above
(d) (fill in answer here, O enlightened ones)

All the above. The Conn/Cavalier souzy I play is the same. Right after I got it, which was just before a concert, and hadn't had a chance to get it thoroughly cleaned properly, I ruined a concert shirt when the horn did just that in my lap without spinning it. I must admit, it was the most interesting shade of something between green, black & brown I've ever seen. It's clean now.

iiipopes, as usual is, dead on.
Just remember. it's condensation-not saliva. We tuba players would never spit on anybody's floor but condensation just happens-warm breath, cool horn. I try to remember to swallow just before each toot.
Carry a hand towel with you to forestall any controversy but insist that it's condensation, anyway.