Many tuba players wonder what it is like to play in an orchestra. Well folks, its a freakin chore. Counting rests is your primary job, and if it weren't for the six figure salaries, I don't think anyone would do it. I have played in a few orchestral settings throughout my career and have devised some ways of surviving the horror.
First of all, let me address the subject of tuning. When the concertmaster steps up to tune, it is ESSENTIAL that you play a Bb. Even if you play a CC tuba, play the Bb. After about two seconds, revert to playing the A and alternate between that note and a fifth above/below. If you have enough time, it would be a good idea to start playing prokofiev five or fountains at a mf dynamic.
Cultivate a taste for Jim Beam Bourbon whiskey and fine cigars. limit yourself to under $10 per cigar though because with the amount of rests you will be counting, you'll be smoking pretty much non stop. If you are not allowed to smoke, chew. Also carry an unwashed spittoon in your gig bag so you can drag it out and clank it around a little bit. These hobbies should help you pass the time during the rests. Don't worry about counting those 128 measure breaks, because the director either will cue you or not notice your absence.
Another tip: When you see
pos 3 in your music please note that the cues you see indicate that the p.o.s. sitting next to you has an entrance. Whenever he or she plays, get ready. Its time to miss notes.
To go along with your love of bourbon and cigars, you should definitely purchase a zippo lighter. While no self-respecting cigar afficianado will light his cigar with a zippo (so I am told, because the fluid taste sucks up through the tobacco and flavors it unpleasantly.) they sure do look cool. Be sure to make as much noise as possible as you learn to light the zippo in cool ways (
http://www.lightertricks.com) Drop it as often as possible.
Blow your cigar smoke in rings, and endeavor to land one on the bassoonists head. If this proves too difficult, or you don't have a bassoon, simply blow them at the trumpet players. Act like you don't know where the smoke is coming from at all times.
Sip the bourbon straight from the bottle. Be sure to procure the largest possible size and drink as much of it as you can during rehearsal. (a possible alternative to the bottle would be a nasty old Mc Donalds cup, filled with whatever you want.) Exclaim loudly during break at the amount you drank: "hey look guys, when we started rehearsal it was up near the top, now its halfway through the label!!" Not only will you cease to care about that important entrance as you drink more whiskey, but your playing will vastly improve due to your gargantuan confidence boost. Don't share with the trumpet section. They will probably drink all of it and then start talking about "axes" or what famous players were dicks to them.
Above all, it is vital to remember to make loud comments and farting noises when other sections screw up. If the trumpets miss an entrance, exclaim loudly, "Are you SERIOUS!? Really?" and continue mumbling incoherently about tenure while shaking your head for several moments. If you drop the name Bud Herseth loudly enough for them to hear into your incoherent mumbling, everyone wins.
On farting noises: Get a straw and stick it just below your armpit hair and trap it against your body with your arm. Blow into it with much gusto, and you should produce a ripping good "bronx cheer." These are usually loud enough to get the attention of the cello section, which is exactly what you should be aiming for.
If you screw up, don't say anything. Either act like nothing happened and deny the event or assume a puzzled expression and choose between pulling out all your slides and inspecting them carefully, or oiling a valve or two. Extra points can be had if you do a complex maintenance procedure with your rotary valves. If all else fails, blame it on the string bassists or the tympani player. Remember, you are NEVER wrong. Take a moment and find a mf entrance after your mistake to completely steamroll. This is especially nice if you are in a recording session and it makes the final cut.
Arrive at rehearsal late and make lots of noise setting up your stuff while the strings are tuning. Bring a tuba stand, not to use, but simply to drop and bang around. Explain to the trombone section about your bad back and that the stand is there "just in case." If you have a mute, bring it and make it roll up under some string player's chair. When they offer to grab it for you, rush over to them and dive to get it. Offer suspicious glances to anyone that looks at you.
If you have the means, purchase multiple tubas and bring them to every rehearsal (regardless of whether they are required or not) on a large hand cart. Again, the principle purpose of this equipment is not to use it. Multiple tubas can be used to make even more noise setting up. Furthermore, they can be used as a tool to distract the trumpet section, who are simple creatures often attracted by shiny, oddly-shaped objects. Make sure you invent an outlandish, but believable, story about where you got your most unique looking horn and how much you paid for it. A large stable of mouthpieces is much more affordable and has a similar effect, albeit on a much smaller scale.
Well, I think that pretty much sums up the tricks of playing in an orchestra. If the above doesn't work, just do crosswords the whole time and don't even bother taking out your horn. You'll still get paid and no one will notice.
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