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OK----here's a new one for readers on this board. I play trumpet in a good quality community orchestra. For the past two years the other trumpet player emits noxious odors (breaks wind). Sometimes small; sometimes thunderous. Five or six times, with progressively escalating anger, I have told him to knock it off or I will report it to the conductor and perhaps the board of directors.
Last Monday night, he popped off a big one and I really blew my cool. I reported the incident (and the history) to the director who said he'd think about the situation and get back to me. The gaseous player is a fine musician and a heavy contributor to the orchestra.

Anyone ever experience this kind of situation? ("Situations" could also include bad breath, body odor, smelly feet, etc.) How was the problem handled, and by whom? Now that I've reported the problem to the director, what else can I do to help resolve this problem?

Advice is welcome (except for flip comments).

Sounds like a perfect topic for Tubenet...

On this topic, I once heard a musician say, "If he farts in the orchestra pit, I will burn plastic."

You might try that. It's fun and games for everyone.

SF

Sounds like a trumpet player problem to me. We all know that a Tuba player would never do such a thing.
Cheers, Phil

It certainly sounds like a difficult situation. But on stage with orchestras, one must not be inhibited internally in order to produce the best possible sound. What would St. Jake have said? I tend to feel it is like my Yoga class: you have permission to pass gas and not feel guilty. If it is definitely something you cannot handle, get a trombone slide bottle, and fill it with Fabreze. Everyone will just think you are spraying your slide with a new concoction.

Now, in the pit, it's a whole different story. I'd pack a weapon.

just my $0.035

SPerry wrote:It certainly sounds like a difficult situation. But on stage with orchestras, one must not be inhibited internally in order to produce the best possible sound. What would St. Jake have said? I tend to feel it is like my Yoga class: you have permission to pass gas and not feel guilty. If it is definitely something you cannot handle, get a trombone slide bottle, and fill it with Fabreze. Everyone will just think you are spraying your slide with a new concoction.

Now, in the pit, it's a whole different story. I'd pack a weapon.

just my $0.035

SP, I think you've hit upon a good strategy! A good defense is a good offense (or vice versa?). I'll spray the guy next time it happens!

Greg wrote:I have experienced this situation but have never had anyone complain about me to the conductor.

Oh, that’s why your avatar shows you wearing dark gasses?

K

On a more serious note:

Wind has to be broken, noisy or not. There is an alternative not nearly giving full relief, at least according to some doctors. Gasses will to some degree be absorbed in the bloodstream and then be released trough the lungs after giving headaches.

One very basic theory behind life on earth is that the planet needed a halo. Now we have too many domestic ruminants contributing to the greenhouse effect.

As I am well aware of silent or not so silent fermentation, I as a schoolteacher ordered open windows during all breaks. You may like kids or not, but they still are our future, so I wonder why they are packed in relatively cramped surroundings during their education. If that many people were packed so tightly in a factory, that workplace would be closed down very soon in most industrialised countries, which demand a minimum of volume per adult employee.

Gasses are annoying, but they are not remotely as poisonous as the commercial scents sold to cover-up the annoyances. My late father had a cheaper trick: strike a match, when wind has been broken. Maybe a lighted torch would solve the problems of the OP.

K

goodgigs wrote:yeah, but he might explode!

Brian, I know that your tuba runs Windows very literally, but will it act as a lens and induce fire if left in the sun?

Klaus

I would like to buy the gentleman in question 7 Guiness', half a dozen of pickled eggs, a big old plate of sauerkraut, some chicken fried steak, and some green apples and sit him right next to you. Brass player indeed.

Chuck

I would rather smell a good old fart any day rather than to smell whatever those two fat chicks were wearing when they walked by my table at Applebee's yesterday.

bloke wrote:You've already escalated the situation to a point of no return and beyond any other course of action. You could have quietly put a bottle of Beano pills in his hand. Now, your only choice is to tolerate likely inaction (along with more farting) or quit the band.

Oh, Joe. How "flip" of you.

Honestly, asking a tuba message board for advice about how to stop your orchestra neighbor from farting? You may as well go to nascar.com and ask for wine recommendations.

It's a fart. Deal with it.

Buy him a value-sized tub of this:



One of these for yourself:



This might be handy too:



Blow it over into the percussion.

goodgigs wrote:yeah, but he might explode!

That would solve the problem, wouldn't it?

How about a lit candle -- give him the option of exploding at a time of his own choosing ...

Ace wrote:OK----here's a new one for readers on this board. I play trumpet in a good quality community orchestra. For the past two years the other trumpet player emits noxious odors (breaks wind). Sometimes small; sometimes thunderous. Five or six times, with progressively escalating anger, I have told him to knock it off or I will report it to the conductor and perhaps the board of directors.
Last Monday night, he popped off a big one and I really blew my cool. I reported the incident (and the history) to the director who said he'd think about the situation and get back to me. The gaseous player is a fine musician and a heavy contributor to the orchestra.

Anyone ever experience this kind of situation? ("Situations" could also include bad breath, body odor, smelly feet, etc.) How was the problem handled, and by whom? Now that I've reported the problem to the director, what else can I do to help resolve this problem?

Advice is welcome (except for flip comments).

My question is why did you wait so long to talk to the director? I would not have lasted two weeks let alone two years without addressing that. Look, I realize we guys go thru this phase where we want to share our farts with the whole world. However, that gets REALLY old and REALLY offensive when we get out into the real world.

In any case, just be ready to move on if the director refuses to do anything about it. In my working career as a supervisor Ive had to address body odor issues a number of times and its VERY easy to fix

The low pressure air on a commercial airliner can induce gas even in the best of us, including the crew. Experienced crews know how to slowly release such gas as they walk through the cabin, thus avoiding high concentrations in any one area.

This technique has its own term: Crop dusting.

SF

MileMarkerZero wrote:

Blow it over into the percussion.

Tell the guy that this device will add the sought after Leslie effect to his sound. For pedagogical reasons the broken winds rather should be returned towards his nose.

K

When we used to do change of commands, we marched our trombones in the rear of the formation. One particular trombonist used to take great delight in eating deviled eggs, baked beans, etc. on the way to the gig. He would wait until we were all standing there at attention or parade rest, with a nice tailwind, and let one rip. Thank god we were outside!!!

OP, I'd fight fire with fire . . . I'd blow a nice one right back at him and see if he liked it. Perhaps then you could call a cease fire?

Ha-ha! Only trumpet players would have this type of problem. Any tuba play worth his salt knows to "let go" during the fortissimo sections and then shoot dirty looks toward the trombone section.

Ace wrote:OK----here's a new one for readers on this board. I play trumpet in a good quality community orchestra. For the past two years the other trumpet player emits noxious odors (breaks wind). Sometimes small; sometimes thunderous. Five or six times, with progressively escalating anger, I have told him to knock it off or I will report it to the conductor and perhaps the board of directors.
Last Monday night, he popped off a big one and I really blew my cool. I reported the incident (and the history) to the director who said he'd think about the situation and get back to me. The gaseous player is a fine musician and a heavy contributor to the orchestra.

Anyone ever experience this kind of situation? ("Situations" could also include bad breath, body odor, smelly feet, etc.) How was the problem handled, and by whom? Now that I've reported the problem to the director, what else can I do to help resolve this problem?

Advice is welcome (except for flip comments).

Get over it.

Do you, yourself, never fart? Can you hold one in? How long? I suspect that the only reason the other trumpet player audibly rips them (as opposed to discreet SBDs) is in response to your reactions.

And what do you expect the conductor or board to do? Tell the guy not to fart? Kick out a

fine musician and a heavy contributor to the orchestra

because you're offended?

But of course I'm just a tuba player who drinks beer during and eats brats and sauerkraut between sets. Puts the oomph in the pah.

Jim "Smelling something else in this topic" Wagner

Has anyone else on the board ever heard the John Fletcher
flatulence tape

Too funny for words.