Sam Pilafian's last 114 days

[Ted Cox]

Below is what I posted on my facebook page about 3 hours after Sam passed. Many found it helpful in understanding Sam's fight for life. My hope is you will too.

April 5 at 10:58 PM

Just now home from rehearsal. Diann Pilafian messaged me minutes after Sam passed. While waiting for the inevitable today, I wrote the following.

For the past four months, a few friends became aware of the personal work I was doing with legendary musician, Sam Pilafian. On December 13th, I sent an email to Sam checking in on his cancer recovery – he immediately wrote back: “You are the spirit guide for me . . . it’s like all you’ve done with mind, body, and spirit is exactly why it’s you I have to see! I read your first book and knew you were on a fantastic journey and would be changed forever. God was waiting for this moment to happen”. Because of my work in Yoga, some have asked me for guidance over the years – but Sam is the first person I committed to helping in such a unique way – although we didn’t have a map as to where we were exactly going. Sam would say, “we’re writing the map.”

Our relationship began 33 years ago in Boston – Sam offered me an assistantship at Boston University. An offer I turned down. Our lives intertwined over the decades and we kept in touch, as best as anyone can with Sam’s busy life. In Sam’s first email asking for my help, he wrote: “This doesn’t have anything to do with music careers, though it brought us together. It has everything to do with how your life (and mine) have gone BESIDES music.”

Due to Sam’s physical limitations with his cancer treatment, I told him we would do BIG Y Yoga – small y yoga (on the mat) would have to wait until he recovered. One of the reasons I agreed to work with Sam (besides my love for him) was due to his “super power” – his curiosity about all things. I knew his level of curiosity would make him available to the truths I was about to teach him. It was many weeks later into our work when his true super power came to light – his “beginners mind.” What I was teaching Sam was met with zero resistance and his progress was nothing short of amazing. Sam no longer had to be “Sam” – cancer cracked open and shattered his ego shell. The only way in which he could describe the effects of our work was having “more space”. In one of Sam’s email’s he wrote: “I believe your opening of me to Consciousness is the big difference here. I never feel overwrought anymore – like one more thing is going to break this camel’s back! Now I feel huge inside with plenty of room to be present and not pressured.” In another email, Sam wrote: “My takeaway from a Ted standpoint is you have me listening very acutely to my body and spirit – they were accurate, and the diagnosis was understandable to me. It wasn’t good news, but it was consistent with what we have been growing here!”

In one poignant email, Sam wrote: “Diann told me I was giving in and not fighting for the first time – she was right! I didn’t even notice I was headed for this corner I got put in – a victim place because of all the discomfort, etc. I stopped communicating with all outside sources and started sleeping constantly, my only respite. Then, a few nights ago, we broke down each problem and what might be done to alleviate it. The next morning, I went on the attack and life has brought me back to a much better place! I’ve never fought a personal health battle on multiple fronts. Each move helps. Prioritizing helped immensely. I hit every doctor’s triage line in one morning! Whew!”

From the very beginning of our work, I started keeping notes, documenting everything. In the beginning, our email chain was a mile long – but his last email to me was on February 27th – becoming too weak to write. Our communications continued through texts and phone calls, with our last phone conversation occurring on March 26th. It was a fairly short call, as Sam became too tired to talk any longer. On April 1st, Sam was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. With a compromised immune system, pneumonia was added to his list of battles.

The downward spiral over the many weeks was obvious, although I stayed positive – Sam was losing his fight. One issue would arise, be addressed, and then another problem would rear its ugly head. At some point in our lives, we’ll all experience the horror of cancer – either personally, a family member, or friend. Sam had no family history and only through a colonoscopy did he discover his tumor. The world lost a very gifted man who did so much for his instrument and profession. His recorded work and pedagogy will stand strong forever.

Every tuba player on the planet was in awe of Sam’s playing – he seemed to know everyone, everywhere. I first heard Sam live with Empire Brass at the University of Illinois one Fall evening in 1980. Their first selection was the Handel Aria, with Sam playing a three-valve baritone! Unforgettable!

What we do is not who we are!

That truth can’t be emphasized enough. Yes, Sam was a great musician in life – but the Sam I got to know these past four months was the authentic Sam, full of more love than I could have ever imagined. The reason I’m sharing this is so you too can have a small sampling of the Sam I had the honor of serving. We are all going to die, but how will we respond to imminent death – who will be there to serve us – no matter what? Who will be there to hold our hand as we exit life? The day Sam got his diagnosis, everything stopped – Sam retired from music to battle cancer full-time. Each day we get to live is a gift. Our good health is a gift. Our friends are a gift. Those who truly love us are the greatest gift. Sam’s love was immense – a love I never witnessed in all the time I knew him, but I got to experience it, feel it, live it, during his last four months.

Our egos are fortresses, built thick, tall, and strong – nothing is coming inside to hurt us! That’s one of the many lies we believe. The only thing our walls do is hold us prisoner inside. Cancer destroys the walls – it’s inhumane – it doesn’t care how great we think we are – no one will be spared from the dehumanizing aspects of this dreadful disease. We waste time shoring up our fortress – judging, comparing, projecting. Our time is better spent dismantling our walls, learning how to love without attached conditions. Our greatest fear as humans is our fear of death. Sam lost his fear of death mid-February. This is the time where he made his greatest progress – not physically, but spiritually. Our ego walls won’t stop death – it’s closer every day. We can ignore it or distract ourselves from it through endless ways – or we can see it and begin to live each day more fully, with more love, with more kindness. Sam taught me many things, but his strength, courage, and especially his love, that’s what I’ll keep close.

[Kunzer]

Beautifully written- thank you for sharing this with us Ted.

[Bill Troiano]

Thanks for sharing this, Ted.

[MaryAnn]

Thanks for talking about the spiritual quest. Each of us embarks on it when we are faced with the reality of our own demise. Many don't make the progress Sam did; I read that he had said to someone, "I'll be back!" which to me meant that he had learned/realized that the body is not the self. I felt I met the real self way back in my one weekend workshop and admired him ever since, not for the tuba playing (which was also admirable) but for the self that, to me, shone through.