Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[Brassdad]

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and is severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.
Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".
Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.
The very next day he's back at work in the sawmill. A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to the hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".
And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And very soon Mick comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident; this time he severs his head.
Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to the hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick's doing.
The nurse breaks down and cries. "He's dead," she says.
Paddy is shocked, but not all that surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."
"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

[tbn.al]

Little Johnny's mother, in an attempt to get him to stop sucking his thumb at age four told him that if he continued his stomach would get bigger and bigger until it burst. Later that day, with his mom in the supermarket, little Johnny saw a very pregnant woman. Noticing his stare, the woman said, "Why are you satring at me, you don't even know me?" Little Johnny replied, " I don't know you but my mommy told me never to do that naughty thing you have been doing, didn't you mommy?"

[windmill]

A Navy Seal walks into a bar.

"What'll you have?" says the Bartender.

"Make me a 'Bin Laden'."

"A Bin Laden. What's in a Bin Laden?"

"Oh, that's 2 shots and a splash of water."

[Brucom]

I was in downtown Cleveland last night when a young lady walked up to me and said, "I'll do anything you want for $100 if you can say it in three words."
So I said, "Paint my house."

[tubatooter1940]

CNN's Nic Robertson gave a tour of Osama bin Laden's mansion garden in Packistan. It was full of cabbages, tomatoes and marijuana plants.
The White House can't release the photographs of Osama bin Laden until they're absolutely sure they didn't kill Willie Nelson.

[tubatooter1940]

My neighbor knocked on my door a 2 A.M. this morning.
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

[Virtuoso]

My neighbor knocked on my door a 2 A.M. this morning.
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Ha, good one. and easily adaptable to .

[tbn.al]

Stop and Shop is merging with A and P. It will be called Stop and Pee.

[Rick F]

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when my son celebrated his 16th birthday, and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?



I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.



My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.



My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.



It was around then that the fight started...

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

[Tubajug]

I thought I'd bump this thred up cuz I remembered one of my old favorites:

"Three elephants fall out of an airplane, two land on the ground, one lands in a pond: ba dum psh!"

[Rick F]

HOW TO START A FIGHT
_______________________________
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

[Jeffrey Hicks]

Three men found themselves at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked the first man, "What was your annual salary and your profession?"
"I made $250,000 a year as an attorney," he proudly declared.
"You may enter Heaven," said St. Peter.
Then he asked the second man, "What was your annual salary and profession?"
"I made $150,000 a year as a realtor," he proudly responded.
"You may enter Heaven," said St. Peter.
Then he turned to the third man, "What was your salary and profession?"
"My annual salary was $10,000," he sheepishly mumbled. "Cool!" said St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

[bort]

There once was a woman who had two sons. One became the captain of a fishing boat. The other became Vice President of the United State. She never saw either son again.

[Virtuoso]

It's time to bring this thread back.

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!!"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.
His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his last breath Pepe calls out: "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree... ... ees a ham bush!"

[Virtuoso]

It's time to bring this thread back.

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!!"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.
His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his last breath Pepe calls out: "Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree... ... ees a ham bush!"

[Rick F]

The Argyle Sweater strip in this morning's paper:

[opus37]

The orchestra was playing Beethoven's 9th in a park one afternoon, but it was so windy the musicians had to tie their music to the stands to keep it from blowing away. When the tubas finished their part in movement 1, the decided that since they had two movements of rests they could sneak away to the pub across the street. They sat in the pub, listening to the music and downing a few pints. When they heard the pickups to their part they threw money on the table and stumbled onto the street. They could barely keep from falling over as they ran to pick up their tubas, but even worse, they coudn't untie the music. They were pulling and tugging but the string was so tight they fell over from the effort. Just then, the conductor looked back and thought, "Oh lord, it's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded."

[tbn.al]

Does this qualify as a "joke"...?? ....because this is some of the funniest $h!+ I've read in quite a long time:

http://dailycurrant.com/2013/05/02/bloo ... estaurant/

It is definitely hilarious but unfortunately a joke, as is everything in the daily currant. Oh how I wish it were true!

[windshieldbug]

New item for the repertoire!

A woman gets on a bus with a viola... The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your bagpipes for you.'

[TheHatTuba]

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