Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

Daryl Fletcher · Post by **Daryl Fletcher** » Tue Jan 17, 2006 8:32 am

How does Microsoft sell its products in Korea?
http://www.microsoft.com/korea/events/r ... s_song.asp

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Tue Jan 17, 2006 12:10 pm

"Walk Like an Egyptian" meets "Talking Heads" !?

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Thu Feb 02, 2006 10:20 pm

Heaven: Where cooks are French, mechanics are German, police are English, lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell: Where cooks are English, mechanics are French, police are Germans, lovers are Swiss and everything is organized by the Italians.

Albertibass · Post by **Albertibass** » Fri Feb 03, 2006 6:34 am

wtf?? no more taco bell?

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Fri Feb 03, 2006 9:51 am

Albertibass wrote:wtf?? no more taco bell?

"The world" as defined by Europeans...

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Feb 03, 2006 11:53 am

windshieldbug wrote:
Albertibass wrote:wtf?? no more taco bell?

"The world" as defined by Europeans...

in this view of heaven and hell there needs to be the "man upstairs" which is field nicely b the US...therefore TACO Bell and other supremely US guilty pleasures ae reserved for the leadership alone.

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Sun Feb 05, 2006 10:58 am

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

tubatooter1940 · Post by **tubatooter1940** » Mon Feb 06, 2006 10:21 am

A city girl married a farmer and they were quite happy.
One morning the farmer told his wife, "Honey I have to go to town and I have the veterinarian coming over to inseminate our new cow. Would you mind showing the vet to the barn? I drove a nail over the doorway of the stall the cow is in." The wife assured him she would be glad to.
When the vet arrived she showed him to the barn and directed him to the stall where the cow was waiting.
"What's the nail over the door for? he asked.
"I guess to hang your pants on.",She replied.

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Tue Feb 07, 2006 9:53 am

A man and his business partner were driving through Oklahoma when they pulled into a gas station and saw an old native American sitting in a rocking chair out front. The business partner says "See that old native American? He has the best
memory in the world. Ask him anything, and he'll remember it."

The guy thinks this is ridiculous, but goes up to the native American anyway and asks "Okay, if your memory is so good, tell me what you had for breakfast on January 17, 1976."

The native American thinks for a while and says "Eggs."

The guy just shakes his head, says "Sure you did", and goes back to the car.

Ten years later the man is travelling through Oklahoma again, and stops in at the same gas station, where the same native American is still sitting out front on his rocking chair. The guy has completely forgotten their previous encounter a decade before, but because he's kind of a jerk, he decides to have a little fun at the native American's expense. He approaches the native American, puts his right hand in the air, and says in his best spaghetti-western voice: "How".

The old native American replies, "Scrambled".

tubatooter1940 · Post by **tubatooter1940** » Sat Feb 11, 2006 5:15 pm

I hate to see this thread go.
A termite walks into the bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Mon Feb 13, 2006 10:40 am

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly," I would have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Tue Feb 14, 2006 6:42 am

WRONG PICK-UP LINES - Valentine's Day Specials

Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

My Love for you is like diarrohea ... I can't hold it in.

Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

Man - Fat Penguin !
Woman - WHAT?
Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

Joe Baker · Post by **Joe Baker** » Thu Feb 23, 2006 8:58 pm

Near where I grew up, there was a country road that (uncharacteristically for Texas) suddenly took a 90-degree turn. A telephone pole at the bend has reflectors to warn motorists of the turn. One night, I was with friends driving down this road when the car ahead of us plowed right past the turn, and sandwiched his car between the telephone pole and a BAT (Big Ash Tree

okay, it was a live-oak, so sue me...). The driver of our car drove on to the nearest house to call the police, and the rest of us stayed to look after the guy. Drunk as a skunk, but he didn't seem to be hurt. Still, we insisted that he stay in his car 'til the police came, thinking they wouldn't want to move him until paramedics had checked him out.

When the cop showed up, he talked to the fellow for a minute or two, then opened the car door. As the guy staggered toward the squad car, the cop reached for his handcuffs, smiled, and said, "Sir, it's a good thing you're driving tonight; you're too drunk to walk!"
_______________________________
Joe Baker, who figures no one could NEVER hit that tight spot between the tree and the telephone pole at 50 MPH on purpose, and anyone who tried would certainly die from a head-on with one or the other.

tubatooter1940 · Post by **tubatooter1940** » Fri Feb 24, 2006 3:27 am

A state trooper pulls over a drunk driver. The cop notices a strong booze odor drifting up to him from the car.
"You drinking ?",asked the cop.
"You buying?" replied the driver.

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Feb 24, 2006 6:26 am

Tow young me are speeding down I-70 in Ohio when they pass a State Patrol Car. The patrolman pursues the men and they pull over. The trooper comes up to the drivers door and taps on the window, which the driver rolls down and asks "Can I help you sir?"
The patrolman then grabs his night stick and smacks the driver on the head and says "When you're pulled over in Ohio son, you have your window down and your liscense and resigtration out!"
The young man gets the documents out as fast as he can and hands them over along with a feeble appology.
Taking the license and registration the patrolman walks to the passenger side of the car and taps on that window. When the passenger rolls down his window the patrolman whips out his night stick and smacks him over the head as well.
"What the hell was that for!" cried the passenger.
"Just making your wish come true." relpies the patrolman.
"What are you talking aobut?!" shouts the passenger.
Well, after your buddy pulls out of here, two miles down the road, you're gonna say "I wish he'd trided that crap with Me!"

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Fri Feb 24, 2006 11:11 am

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Fri Feb 24, 2006 2:20 pm

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most
of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told
her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for
her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew
wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these
that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and
mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter
drinks................................. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

JB · Post by JB » Wed Mar 01, 2006 11:40 pm

The Wife from Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep you mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does you husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

[I love this part.... ]

"Only when he's been drinking."

EuphDad · Post by **EuphDad** » Thu Mar 02, 2006 1:51 pm

New AKC Breeds
Newly-approved breeds by the AKC for 2006:
1. Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
2. Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
3. Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
4. Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
5. Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
6. Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
7. Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Labcoat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
8. Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
9. Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
10. Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
11. Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter
anyway
12. Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
13. Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
14. Pitbull + Poodle
PitPoo, adored by racing drivers
15. Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Oh, never mind....

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Thu Mar 02, 2006 4:32 pm

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"