Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[windshieldbug]

The American engineer says, "Blanket it with those Danish cartoons."

[ken k]

Here's an oldie but goodie:

The engineer asks "How does it work?"

The philosopher askes "Why does it work?"

The trombonist asks "Do you want fries with that?"

[windshieldbug]

Oh, yeah, I do, otherwise it's just wasteful you know, not good for profits or weight.

I don't want to hear you talking about profits... too many terrorists already here on TubeNet, and you may attract more!

[XtremeEuph]

Let's not talk about weight either. Some people are sensitive about that.

BTW, what the hell does someone who drives a train know about weight, volume, etc.?

Doc

lmao ..................was that supposed be a funny too?.....i thought it was

[windshieldbug]

I'm only driving the train if you're getting me the hat, otherwise it's off to industrial design I go.

So that would make you the industrial designate!

[windshieldbug]

Male Driving

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.

That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip one off?

I Think Not

[EuphDad]

A SWEET STORY ABOUT ITALIAN COOKIES

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the wondrous flavor of the cookie, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife." Get out of here! " she shouted. "They're for the funeral."

[windshieldbug]

Strange New Word Definitions

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to go work at McDonald's.

Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney Buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette Burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize Bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with

Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living

Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does

Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot

Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots

Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians

Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm

Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins see with

Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring

Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife

Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 250 pounds in a size six

Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued sub-dood': like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like,
submarines, man

Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official

[windshieldbug]

Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by another man. The IRS guy assumed the other man was Ralph's attorney. Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?" Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win." The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look. I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"

Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.

The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet. Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and pee into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!
Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk. The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into ahuge win! But then he noticed that Ralph's friend looked ashen and was visibly shaking."Are you okay?" he asked.

The man replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd piss on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

[quinterbourne]

That's GOLD, windshieldbug!

[windshieldbug]

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY

Good : Your wife is pregnant.
Bad : It's triplets.
Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.


Good : Your wife's not talking to you
Bad : She wants a divorce.
Ugly : She's a lawyer.


Good : Your son is finally maturing.
Bad : He's involved with the women next door.
Ugly : So are you.


Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad : You find several dorn movies hidden there.
Ugly : You're in them.


Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.


Good : Your husband understands fashion.
Bad : He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly : He looks better than you.


Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad : She keeps interrupting.
Ugly : With corrections


Good : Your son is dating someone new.
Bad : It's another man.
Ugly : He's your best friend.


Good : Your daughter got a new job.
Bad : As a hooker.
Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.

[Daryl Fletcher]

[tubatooter1940]

A man came home from work to find his wife dressed in a hot pink nightie.
She kissed him and whispered in his ear, " Tie me up and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.

[Brassdad]

A Pirate walks into a bar and the bartender notices that the pirate has a steering wheel shoved into the front of his pants.

"That must be uncomfortable" observes the bartender.

"Aaaaaaarghhhhhh, It's drivin' me nuts!" exclaims the Pirate.

[tubatooter1940]

Hear about the pirate that had a wooden peg head?
The parrot was a ventriloquist.

[windshieldbug]

Shiver me timbers!!

[Joe Baker]

I put this out on another post some time ago, but it works here too:

• So this guy meets a pirate. Pirate's the real thing, too: peg leg,
  hook, eye patch.
  
  Man: You know, I've never met a pirate before. If you
  don't mind me asking, how did you lose your leg?
  
  Pirate: Arrr, matey, no trouble a'tall. I was sailin' into
  HongKong when we hit a reef. The mizzenmast, she broke free
  and fell on me leg, trapping it against the starboard railin'. The
  ship, she was a-goin' down fast, so I whips out me knife, cuts
  off me leg, and swims to safety.
  
  Man: Wow, that's an amazing story! So, how did you get
  your hook?
  
  Pirate: Well, I was out fishin' in me skiff one day when I
  reached overboard to pull up a great seabass. Just then, up
  from them black waters jumps a shark, and bit off me hand.
  
  Man: That's incredible! Well, then what about your eye?
  
  Pirate: Arrr a cursed day that was. I was checking the
  main rigging one day, and as I looked aloft, a seagull flew over,
  and defiled me eye.
  
  Man: Wow, I would have never thought that'd cause you
  to lose an eye.
  
  Pirate: Aye, but ya see lad, twas me first week with the
  hook...

Also, this is fun...
http://www.talklikeapirate.com/translator.html
__________________________
Joe Baker, who reminds everyone that Sept. 19 is "Talk Like a Pirate Day"

[Bill Troiano]

After getting Pope Benedict's entire luggage loaded
into the limo, and he doesn't travel light), the
driver notices that the Pope is still standing on
the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would
you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they
never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really
like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my
job! And what if something should happen?" protests
the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that
morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says
the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as
the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after
exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it,
accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the
worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the
metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the
driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window
as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at
him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the
radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the
dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop
tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and
five. "So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really
important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, "All
the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said
the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the flippin' Pope as a chauffeur!!"


__________________________________________________

[tubatooter1940]

True story: I was delivering mail one day when a lady parked her truck up a driveway and walked out to have a word with me. She was telling me about a package she was looking for when her truck rolled backwards and pinned her against the right door of my car.
I was sitting in the middle of the car with my left foot on the brake, the car in drive, my right arm out the passenger door holding the truck tailgate off of her. I yelled at some teenage boys who promptly pushed her truck back up the driveway.
She then turned to me and said, "A real man would have gotten that truck off me with no help."
Taken by surprise, I blurted out, "A real woman wouldn't park on a hill with her truck in neutral."
I guess I made my point. She didn't rat me out to the postmaster.

[windshieldbug]

Alice and Frank are bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, you know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up -- she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was fine...it was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?"