Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[windshieldbug]

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. The plane had a layover in Sacramento.

The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if thepassengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. Another man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blindbecause his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name,said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs?

"The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Things aren't always as they appear.

[TubaRay]

Now, that's funny!

[XtremeEuph]

very good story

[Viggofonen]

Three young boys where discussing their fathers:

"My father has a great job. He's a lawer, and wears a SUIT at work." Says the first one.
"Thats nothing." Says the second boy. "My father is a firefighter, and he wears a UNIFORM at work."
"Hah!" Says the third one. "My father is a musican, and he SLEEPS in a suit!"

[LoyalTubist]

Two hillbillies, Ed and Red, walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right buttcheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that thar 'Hind Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

[Brassdad]

What happened when Cinderella got to the ball?
She choked...

[LoyalTubist]

Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him, "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after awhile there is this terrible smell! It never happens when I am on my own."

This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, let's go for a spin and see what the problem is." Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 70 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty. They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now, there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?"

"Smell it? Lady, I'm sittin' in it!!"

[windshieldbug]

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a steamship to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, and then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson the mate gives him a heading and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?

[LoyalTubist]

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had another 5 children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him for this loving woman who fulfilled His commandment to go forth and multiply. In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The neighbor replied, "I think he means her legs."

[LoyalTubist]

An elderly man was fishing and he heard someone say: "Hey up there." He looked around and finally saw a frog sitting on a lily pad. He looked at it and asked: "Did you say something?" The frog said, "Yes, kiss me and I will turn into a gorgeous female." The fisherman bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his shirt pocket. The frog said: "Hey aren't you going to kiss me?" The fisherman replied, "At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

[LoyalTubist]

Talk about a laugh, did anyone check out the automatically induced advertising after I posted the joke at the top of this page? NOW THAT'S FUNNY!

[windshieldbug]

Free Gourmet Frog Legs
24 Pairs Individuall Packaged Shipped Frozen Survey Required
Food-Offer.com

mmmmmmm! (but I liked Doc's jokes, too... )

[Kevin Hendrick]

Talk about a laugh, did anyone check out the automatically induced advertising after I posted the joke at the top of this page? NOW THAT'S FUNNY!

Abso-froggin'-lutely!

[LoyalTubist]

There was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

[LoyalTubist]

Why do bands have tuba players?
To translate for the drummer.

[LoyalTubist]

We never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders. Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.

[LoyalTubist]

An old lady walked into a newspaper office. She approached an employee and said that her husband had died and that she would like to have an obituary appear in the paper. The employee gave her a form and told her to write the obituary on it. She wrote, "John M. McDaniels died Saturday, April 30th at his home. Services are at the First Presbyterian Church at 3 P.M. on Thursday" The employee looked at the form and said, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but obituaries are limited to seven words apiece. The woman took another form and wrote, "John died. '61 Ford truck for sale."

[LoyalTubist]

How to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

[LoyalTubist]

A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eye and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"

[Brassdad]

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?" He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what’s for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"