Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[windshieldbug]

I watch long enough to catch the "locals on the 8s". Nax of 10 minutes, but I'll usually go back to where I was untill closer to the 8s, rather than watch while waiting for the locals.

Does that even count as "watching" ?

Our cable has another Weather Channel station that does nothing but local weather in a loop. You might check if yours does, too. Even quicker than lookin' out the window!

[Mark]

Does that even count as "watching" ?

No. That's just staying informed.

[ThomasDodd]

I watch long enough to catch the "locals on the 8s". Nax of 10 minutes, but I'll usually go back to where I was untill closer to the 8s, rather than watch while waiting for the locals.

Does that even count as "watching" ?

Our cable has another Weather Channel station that does nothing but local weather in a loop. You might check if yours does, too. Even quicker than lookin' out the window!

First I don't get cable. Those @$#@$@ are not allown in my yard.

Second, looking outside won't show you the rain 50 miles south west, moving north east.

But, hey some people like being caught outside in the rain. Really handy when washing the car.

[Philip Jensen]

Get yourselves one of these or similar models

http://www.weatherradiostore.com/produc ... t=2&scat=2

I have an older one (15 yrs old?)that looks like an old transistor radio. Cost me less than $20. Instant weather forecast, no waiting for on the 8's, no commercials - updated EVERY hour

One of our State Senators (Santorum - PA) has introduced a bill that would stop the National Weather Service from providing free access to their weather forecasts - supposedly to allow them to focus more on the Severe Weather announcements. I really like the NWS forecast website - better accuracy and no pop-ups.

Two weeks prior to the Bill's introduction, Santorum received a nice contribution check from AccuWeather (based in my town, as is Intellicast) . As one local letter to the editor put it:

AccuWeather executives Joel Myers and Elliot Abrams have recently published columns in the Centre Daily Times defending the bill. Myers suggested that you receive AccuWeather's information for free, but AccuWeather is a for-profit business. You buy a newspaper, which buys AccuWeather's forecast, so you have paid for it.

But the government has already paid for weather information with your tax money, and you, quite sensibly, have a right to view that information freely.

Santorum's bill proposes that the weather service issue only severe weather forecasts and must release this information through commercial outlets such as AccuWeather, thus increasing their profit margins by eliminating your ability to truly obtain the information for free.

If the NWS stops broadcasting I will be thoroughly pissed!

[ThomasDodd]

Get yourselves one of these or similar models

http://www.weatherradiostore.com/produc ... t=2&scat=2

I have an older one (15 yrs old?)that looks like an old transistor radio. Cost me less than $20. Instant weather forecast, no waiting for on the 8's, no commercials - updated EVERY hour

Again, that doesn't show me the curent radar/satellite images, so I can make my own judgement. Forcast are notoriuosly wrong, but If I see clouds and raing on RADAR heading my way...

One of our State Senators (Santorum - PA) has introduced a bill that would stop the National Weather Service from providing free access to their weather forecasts - supposedly to allow them to focus more on the Severe Weather announcements. I really like the NWS forecast website - better accuracy and no pop-ups.

But the government has already paid for weather information with your tax money, and you, quite sensibly, have a right to view that information freely.

Santorum's bill proposes that the weather service issue only severe weather forecasts and must release this information through commercial outlets such as AccuWeather, thus increasing their profit margins by eliminating your ability to truly obtain the information for free.

I think free access to the alerts is a good thing, and a reasonable use of tax dollars. It's a public intrest issue, especially in hurricane/tornado prone areas. The warning systme is one of the reasons few lives are lost to such weather anymore. It's also a National Defense issue, since the military need the info to plan activities (like a counter/preemptive strike on the enemey ships off the coast). And National defense is all about protecting citizens lives and property, be it for a foriegn atack, domestic atack, or natural disaster.

[gwwilk]

As a regular Weather Channel buff, I keep it on in the background when I'm working around the house, practicing, or just fiddling with my computers. It keeps me informed about the big picture and if I want to get more information, I start with my own private weather system, a wireless Davis Vantage Pro+. I've made it available 24/7 on the net for anyone who's interested in our local weather conditions at http://www.gwwilk.com with a lightning detector in my attic and a video camera staring out my patio door. There are also links to the Weather Underground which I would recommend as an alternate source for all kinds of weather information. You should be able to find local private weather stations in your area via WU.

As a runner, I feel compelled to know what sort of conditions are awaiting me before I set out the door, and that's how I got started with this hobby. The Vantage Pro is my third weather station, but the first one I've hooked up to the internet.

[Chuck(G)]

Again, that doesn't show me the curent radar/satellite images, so I can make my own judgement. Forcast are notoriuosly wrong, but If I see clouds and raing on RADAR heading my way...

Just go to the NOAA web site and look. No commercials and you've already paid for it:

http://weather.gov/forecasts/graphical/sectors/

[Philip Jensen]

While the audio broadcast obviously doesn't have a radar image (that would be way cool!) they do a pretty go job of describing it. Just this morning, they said there was a line of storms from Town A, to B, to C, moving in a SE direction. I knew the rain would miss us - it did. I would buy a weather radio that had a little screen with continous radar if it existed - maybe someday.

I finally finished installing my weather station this past weekend. Nothing real fancy, Temp (in/out) Rel. Humid (in/out) Barometer, wind speed and direction and precip. I went with the cable version instead of a battery powered remote one so I didn't have to change batteries all the time. Most of the units I saw were wireless.

Chuck is right, the NWS (NOAA) website is great, all kinds of neat things. I trust their forecasts more too. I also check out Intellicast. Were having company on Saturday so I've been watching the forecast. On Monday, the NWS said 90 for Sat, Intellicast said 84, just today, Intellicast changed to 90 also. I'd prefer 84 though.

[ThomasDodd]

Just go to the NOAA web site and look. No commercials and you've already paid for it:

When I'm at work, yeah. NOAA's a good place, as is this site someone sent me the link to.

But at home, I have a 28.8kbps connection and only one line. Most of the time that computer is turned off. Even if on, it can take 10 minutes to connect and download RADAR or Sat. images.

And I'm paying for TWC with my Sat. programming already

[Doug@GT]

You can't kill two birds with one stone


*groan*

Doc

More like, *groin*.

Once upon a time there was a king named King John. He ruled a happy kingdom, because there were no taxes and free beer given out every day. Everyone was content except for one thing. That thing was that there was not much room to spread out. Everyone's gardens were just a little bit too small. King John was upset about this, for it was the only bad thing in his kingdom. One day, it was a Tuesday, he asked his advisors, "How are we going to solve this problem?". The advisors disappeared off into the pub and came back many hours later and said, "I love you mate, you know that? I do. I really do." Some time later, when they had sobered up a little they told the king what was to be done. This is what they said. "What you should do, your majesty, is invade the neighboring kingdom, ruled by the evil King *&$#. He is so evil, even his name has to be censored. We should gather an army and go and take some of his land." "That's a wicked idea" said King John, and promptly set up a poster campaign asking for volunteers for his army. Loads of people were big up for this idea, consequently the army was very large. It numbered 1024 people and a goat. After much preparation and training this huge army set off with the King to invade the kingdom of *&$#. I would however take many days to travel all that way, but they did not mind, for the prize was worth it - more land for all (including the goat). At the end of the first day the pitched camp, had a few beers, and some food, and fell asleep. When he awoke the next morning the king was shocked and upset to see that half of his proud army had been killed in the night. Only 512 remained. He was distraught, and ran around shouting for the others to get up. It was then that he saw, away in the distance, just going over the hilltop, a man. He was dressed all in white on a white horse. He had white boats and carried a white flag at the end of his white lance. King John yelled to the white man, but he ignored him. The king pulled himself together and sat down to breakfast. His advisors said, "Don't worry, your majesty. We have more than enough men to defeat King *&$#. We'll continue after breakfast". So they did. They journeyed all that day and by dusk were very tired, so they didn't have so much beer. The king wasn't taking any chances, so he posted guards around the camp. Then he went to sleep. Next morning he awoke and ran from his tent. "AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH" he cried. Another half of his men had been killed. Just as they were counting exactly how many had been killed the king noticed the white horseman again. Dressed all in white he was riding away into the sunrise. The king spotted that the white man had totally white hair. The king was a bit annoyed by now, as only 256 remained from his once proud army, but had no choice but to continue on his quest. They traveled all day and in to the night, so that when the king finally called a halt, the men and him all slept straight away. The king woke first and could hear the sound of hooves outside his tent. He burst outside to see the white horseman galloping past his tent. In the horseman's arms there was a white guitar, which the man was playing as he disappeared off into the sun. Upon looking around he found that half of his men were dead. A mere 128 remained. The king was beside himself with rage, and the remaining men had to restrain him and calm him down. The sat down and came up with a new plan. "We'll have to take the enemy by stealth, as there aren't enough of us to kill them in a fight". His army, now looking small and a little worried, agreed and set off for a day's travel. They decided to take it easy that day and didn't travel more than about 10 miles. The sun set and they made camp. They ate their rations, which had increased enormously, and settled down to sleep. All night the king was plagued by visions of the white horseman. He woke in a cold sweat just as the sun was rising. He opened his tent door with a sense of trepidation. As he looked around it became clear that half of the remaining men lay dead. The king, almost resigned to defeat, just shrugged. "Come on everyone, we might as well get going. We might be able to defeat King *&$# with 64 men". Just then the white horseman burst out from behind a tent and started galloping away into the east. Once again he was playing his white guitar, and waving his white flag. The king shouted at him to stop, but he didn't even look back. The army packed up and started their long days march. They stopped just before nightfall and set up camp. As they were all very nervous about going to sleep, because they had seen so many of their friends murdered, they all decided to stay awake. Time passed and one by one they all nodded off. In the morning the king was awoken by the sound of shouting. He ran out of his tent and was met by some of his men. "Half of the men are dead", they said. The king just nodded and gave the order to march. As they were packing up the king saw the white horseman trotting off into the distance. He just waved and started off. All through that day the king tried in vain to think of a new plan which could be accomplished with 32 men. In the end he decided on a competition against the best of King *&$#'s men. The winner would take half of the other's lands. That night they set up camp in a wood. Because they had had to leave most of their provisions behind (there were not enough people to carry them) they hunted deer to eat. After they had eaten their food they all fell asleep. In the morning the king guessed what was going to happen, and he was right. Half his men lay dead and the white horseman was galloping off into the sunrise. As he galloped he was throwing white rose petals from a white bag and scattering them behind him. The king looked at his 16 men. "Well, we've come too far just to turn around and go back. We might as well try", he said. His men agreed and set off towards the *&$# kingdom. King John was going a little crazy in the head at this point. More than a thousand of his men had been killed while they slept, and he could do nothing about it. "Not tonight" the king said to himself. That evening they stopped a little earlier and built a tall fence around the camp. They put spikes on top of the fence and went to sleep. In the morning the king woke and burst from his tent. He was eager to see if his plan had succeeded. Alas it had not. Half the men were dead and there was a large hole in the fence. Peering through the hole the king saw the white horseman riding away. He was distraught. The 8 remaining men comforted him. "Maybe we can ask King *&$# for a treaty. Then we can share lands", they told the king. The king would not listen and gave the order to pack up and march. They rode fast all day and had covered 50 miles by nightfall. The king said nothing as he lay down to sleep. The men decided that half of them would remain awake and stand guard. They drew straws and settled down for a long night. In the morning the king woke up, stretched, and had a coffee before leaving his tent. He opened the tent flap cautiously and peered about. Four men remained alive. The others (the ones who had been on guard) were all dead. The king yelled as the white horseman rode past on his white horse, waving his white flag, playing his white guitar and scattering his white rose petals. The 4 men packed up what few possessions they could carry and set off. All that day the king sat on his horse and laughed to himself. When they eventually reached a place to camp they were very tired. They had been riding for days, they were hungry, thirsty and had seen many friends killed in their sleep. They sank down onto the ground and slept. "Oh. What a surprise", was the king sarcastic exclamation in the morning. "Half my men are dead. Only 2 remain. And there goes the white horseman off into the sunrise". He and his two men, Alan and Nala, set off. They were nearly at their destination, so they could not stop now. They rode and chatted about this and that. The king seemed in a very jovial mood. Alan and Nala thought that he was all right until he jumped off his horse and started attacking a tree because it was "looking at him funny". They thought that was a good time to stop for the night. They pitched their tents, one for the king and one for the two men, and slept a peaceful night. In the morning the king went outside and poked his head into the men's tent. One of them, Nala, was dead. He woke Alan and started looking about for the now familiar white horseman. He saw him just mounting his horse and ran after him. The king could not catch up with him, and came back to camp. He and Alan were one days march away from the castle of King *&$#, so they polished their armor and sharpened their swords. Then they rode off towards the castle. Near evening they saw the castle. It was huge and dark. They felt a little foolish turning up with the smallest army ever to try to take over this mighty army, but they could not travel home without trying so they pitched a tent and waited for morning. When the sun rose the king awoke to find that his last man had been killed. 1024 of his men had been killed while they slept. The king burst out of his tent. He was confronted with the white horseman. His clothes were white, his hair and beard were white, he carried a white guitar, and there were white rose petals scattered on the ground by his feet. The white man looked a little on worried and edged slowly towards his white horse. "Have you been killing all my men while they've been asleep?" asked King John. "No", replied the man.

[Joe Baker]

... the Ramblin' joke from Georgia folk...

Doug, izzat what passes for humor down there?
______________________________
Joe Baker, who's got a pretty good one at work that he'll put up tomorrow.

[Doug@GT]

... the Ramblin' joke from Georgia folk...

Doug, izzat what passes for humor down there?
______________________________
Joe Baker, who's got a pretty good one at work that he'll put up tomorrow.

I don't know if other Georgians find the humor in that one. I'm afraid to tell it. I like to keep my friends.

I found it online...and...it made me laugh. Eh, I'm weird that way.

[Joe Baker]

An elementary school class started a class project to make a planter to take home to their parents. They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided to use cactus plants. The students were given greenware pottery planters in the shape of a clown, which they painted with glaze. he clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process. It was great fun. Back at the school, the children planted cactus seeds in the finished planters. The cactus grew nicely, but unfortunately the children were not allowed to take them home. The cactus plants were removed and small ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home instead.


Cactus seemed like a good idea at the time, but...
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[TubaRay]

What were these called, anyway--the Viagra clowns?

[Brassdad]

1.. My wife and I divorced over religious differences.
She thought she was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of
it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill
them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under
it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When
I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries
With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
advance.

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already
taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up
three thousand times
the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime
commitment for a
pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and
Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going
on.

[Brassdad]

simple -vs- complex

[Brassdad]

a bit more humor...

[windshieldbug]

Oh, sorry... I seem to have stumbled into ThunkNet!

[ken k]

In response to Bloke's yogi berra on jazz I submit this, which has been around for awhile also. enjoy:

Dear Bandleader: We look forward to your performance at our daughter's
wedding. If you don't mind, we would like to request a few of our favorite
songs. If you could play these at some point during the reception, we'd be
grateful. Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please have it
for the full ensemble and none of the 4/4 songs please. Mahavishnu
Orchestra,"Dance of the Maya," and please have the guitarist play John
McLaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov.16, 1972, at Chrysler Arena.
My wife and I were at that show and we particularly liked it. If you find it
too difficult, you can leave out the feedback. Any of John Coltrane's duets
with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their use of atonality is not
everyone's cup of tea, but all our guests love high register tenor saxes. We
thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. We
particularly like the "Infernal Dance..." or whatever it is called, from
"The Rite of Spring" (second version of 1932). If you want to use the sheet
music it's OK. We like a tempo of about quarter note = 93 (Ozawa). Then for
the "life candle" lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappa's "The Grand
Wazoo." If you want to play it in the original key of Bb, that would be
fine, but my cousin Janeene would like to sing the baritone sax solo. You
may have to play that part in another key - she has kind of a high voice.
When my daughter throws the garter, could you play just a little of Varese's
"Ionization?" It's such a cool piece, we think it would go over really well.
Much better than "The Stripper." And for the Bride & Groom's first dance,
please slow things down a bit by doing Barber's "Adagio For Strings". It's
so much better than "We've Only Just Begun" or "The Anniversary Waltz." When
my wife and I join in the first dance, could you please segue to Thelonious
Monk's "Ruby, My Dear." That's in honor of my wife's grandmother whose name
was Ruby. It would mean so much to the family. Thanks very much for all your
help. We'll certainly be happy to recommend your band to all of our friends.
By the way, the gig pays $350 for the group, and before you leave, please
feel free to ask the caterer for a sandwich and a soda to take with you.
Sincerely,
The Bride's parents

[ken k]

speaking of jazz, a few years ago when the Ken Burns film came out there was a spoof on Wynton's dissertations from the series. I thought I had it saved on my computer but can't find it. Does anyone have that saved somewhere. If so please post it here. I would love to read it again, since I have been taking that series out of the library the last few weeks.

ken k