Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[Brassdad]

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You’re in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn’t give me an erection either."

[Brassdad]

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. ’Are you sure?’ she asked. ’I’m sure,’ I said. ’Isn’t there anything I can do for you?’ she wanted to know. ’I reckon not’ I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

[Brassdad]

A wife takes her old, hard of hearing husband to the doctor for a physical.

The doc says "Take off your shirt."

The old guy asks his wife "What did he say?"

She tells him "Take off your shirt."

The doc checks him over then says "Take off your pants."

The guy looks to his wife and she says "TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS."

The doc says "I want a urine, stool and semen specimen."

The guy again asks "What?"

The wife says "He wants to see your shorts."

[LoyalTubist]

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awaken from a good night's sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says to her, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"

His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!"

[LoyalTubist]

The soldier serving in the Persian Gulf was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

[LoyalTubist]

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man:

"Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you have 20 Euros for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"

So the ticket man agreed and took the 20 Euros. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.

"Are you stupid or something? I paid you 20 Euros so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't, so I want my money back!"

While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to him: "Look at this guy! He is mad!"

"Yeah! He's almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim."

[tubatooter1940]

Henny Youngman, Quote " A guy walked into a psychiatrist's office and said, "Doc, nobody pays any attention to me. Everybody ignores me. I feel like I'm invisible."
The doctor said, "Next!"

[LoyalTubist]

A Baptist pastor, a rabbi, and a Roman Catholic priest were in a rowboat in the Sierras fishing. None of them had caught anything all morning. Then the priest stands up and says he needs to go to the bathroom. So he climbs out of the boat, and walks on the water to the river bank. He comes back 10 minutes later, the same way. Then the rabbi decides he needs to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to the river bank. He too comes back the same way 10 minutes later.

The Baptist preacher looks at both of them and decides that his faith is just as strong as his fishing buddies, and he is smarter, wiser, and that he too can walk on water. He stands up and excuses himself. As he steps out he makes a big splash down into the water.

The rabbi looks at the priest and says, "I suppose we should have told him where the rocks were."

[LoyalTubist]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Veracruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, a National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

[LoyalTubist]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

[LoyalTubist]

There is a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead stuck on an island for about a year.

Until one day the brunette finds a lamp and rubs it real hard and a genie comes out.

The genie says "Since there are three of you, I will grant you all one separate wish, three total."

First the brunette says, "I miss my boyfriend, I want to go see him!"

So she goes back to America and pops up in her boyfriend's room.

Next the red head says, "I miss my family, I want to go back to America!"

So she is back in America, at home with her husband and kids.

Then the blonde starts crying and crying and crying.

Finally the genie says in a very loud voice, "WHAT IS YOUR WISH?"

Then the blonde says, "I miss my friends. Bring them back please!"

[LoyalTubist]

Did you hear about the guy who had the whole left side of his body eaten up by a shark?

He was all right!

[LoyalTubist]

There was a traveling salesman who was busy selling his wares door-to-door in a farm area. His car broke down and he had to spend the night with in a farmhouse.

After settling in, the farmer showed him around. It was an old-fashioned farm with cows, goats, sheep, chickens, turkeys, and pigs, but one pig really caught the salesman's attention.

"Sir, that pig only has three legs..."

"Oh, he's our prize pig. We really love him. He is really talented."

"Oh?" replied the salesman.

"Right after we got him, part of the farmhouse caught fire. That pig pulled us all out of the house long before the volunteer firemen got here. He is some special pig!"

"But..."

"A year ago, there was a car wreck in front of the farm. He couldn't do anything except dial 911 with his snout on the cellphone that catapulted out of the car. Everyone in the car was unconscious. But thanks to him, the sheriff's deputies got there in time to get everyone out, then the ambulance came, and everyone was OK. He is some special pig!"

"But, he..."

"Last week, my daughter was swimming in the pond and she almost drowned. That pig pulled her out of the water and gave her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. She's fine. He really is one special pig!"

"But he only has three legs!"

"You don't expect us to eat him all at once, do you?"

[tubatooter1940]

A man was driving down a quiet country road, one day, and noticed a chicken running ahead alongside the road doing at least 40 mph and the chicken appeared to have three legs. He sped up to 50 to have a closer look and the chicked roared ahead. He sped up to 60, 70 ,80, 90 and the same thing happened. The chicken was pulling away when he took a hard right turn down a dirt road without even slowing down.
Obsessed, the driver slammed on brakes, turned around and followed the chicken down the dirt road. He soon came to a farm and observed a lady in the yard feeding thousands of three legged chickens.
He stopped and asked if he might speak to her. She said, "Sure!"
He said, "I followed a three legged chicken down here. I've never seen one before." She replied, My husband and our son and I all love drumsticks the best. And when one of our hens started having chicks with three legs, we bred for them and now we have all these."
He asked, "How do they taste?"
She said, "I don't know. We never have been able to catch one."

[Brassdad]

My 8 year old told me this one yesterday....

What do you call a rabbit that is owned by a cockroach?

A Bugs' bunny.

[LoyalTubist]

A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.

The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.

The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!! The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.

A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.

The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!! The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."

A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.

The shocked Texan said "Why in the world did you do that?"

The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."

[LoyalTubist]

You know you're in the Mojave Desert when ...

*You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

*You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

*You eat jalapeno peppers to cool your mouth off.

*You can make instant sun tea.

*You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

*When temperature drops below 99, you feel a bit chilly.

*You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

*You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

*You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

*Hot water now comes out of both taps.

*It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

*You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

*You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

*No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

*Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

*You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

[LoyalTubist]

On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

[LoyalTubist]

Three Microsoft engineers and three Apple employees are traveling by train to a computer conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple employees buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple employee.

They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats, but all three Apple employees cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.

The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to do the same on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple employees don't buy any ticket, at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple employee.

When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a restroom and the three Apple employees cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Apple employees leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

[LoyalTubist]

A girl is set up on a blind date with a trumpet player. She goes on the date, and later reports to her best friend: The date was alright but when he kissed me it was all tight and horrible, I don't think I'll go out with him again.

The next night she dates a tuba player. Again she reports to her friend. She says that this time the kiss was all open mouthed and slobbery, and she wouldn't date him again.

The next night she dates a "French" horn player. Her best friend asked how he kissed and the girl replied "Well, his kiss wasn't any better than the others, but I like the way he held me!