Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[LoyalTubist]

Bagpipes (noun) - I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. -Alfred Hitchcock

[LoyalTubist]

Three men die and go to heaven and line up to meet St. Peter.

St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

Thomas: My name is Tom.

St. Peter: Hi, Tom. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

Thomas: $120,000.

St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Tom, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?

Thomas: I was a lawyer.

St. Peter: That's great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name?

James: My name is Jim.

St. Peter: Hi, Jim. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

James: $60,000.

St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Jim, what did you do for a living?

James: I was an accountant.

St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the third man. Hi, what's your name?

Willis: My name is Willie.

St. Peter: Hi, Willie. Tell me, Willie, how much was your annual income when you died?

Willis: About $23,000.

St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, Willie! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

[windshieldbug]

BBQ rules

After months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
10. Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...

[TubaRay]

I volunteer to be a pallbearer, WSB.

[tubaman5150]

Boudreaux took Marie home with him and took off his shirt. Marie said,
"Boudreaux dat's some chest you have dare." Boudreaux says, "Marie,
dat's a hundred seventy pounds of dynamite". Next he took off his pants. Marie says, "Boudreaux dat's nice calves you have dare." Boudreaux says, Marie dat's a hundred seventy pounds of dynamite."

Boudreaux quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants and Marie
screamed and ran out the door. Boudreaux put his clothes back on and
ran after her. Catching her, Boudreaux said "Marie, Why you ran out like
dat?" Marie said, "With all dat dynamite around, I taught it was going to
explode when I saw how short da fuse was!!!"

[kegmcnabb]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between the two? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom , and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *** and having the balls to say:"You're next."

Holy Crap!!! I always thought I had both, but by these definitions (and with my wife) I have neither.

[Chuck(G)]

A state patrol offier pulls over a speeding car. The trooper says "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour."

The driver, Roger, says "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Roger's wife, sitting in the passenger seat, says "dont be silly, you know this car does not have cruise control."

The trooper writes out the ticket, Roger looks at his wife and growls "cant you keep your mouth shut for once?"

His wife smiles and says "you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit Roger glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "damn it woman, cant you keep your mouth shut?"

The trooper frowns and says "and I notice you are not wearing your seat belt sir, that is an automatic $75 fine."

Roger says, yeah, well you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

Roger's wife says "now dear, you know very well that you didnt have your seat belt on, you never wear your seat belt when you are driving."

As the trooper starts to fill out the 3rd ticket for failure to wear a seat belt, Roger turns to his wife and barks "WHY DONT YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?'

The trooper looks at Roger's wife and asks, "does your husband always talk to you this way Ma'am?"

(The Best Part)

Roger's wife replies "only when he's been drinking."

[tubaman5150]

GRANDMA
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.

[TubaRay]

Two guys are chatting in a bar.

One says "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Damn," says his friend. " and I just joined the Elks."

Sounds like my kind of luck.

[Tubaryan12]

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between the two? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom , and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *** and having the balls to say:"You're next."

Doc,

Slow down...you're starting to repeat yourself.

[LoyalTubist]

What do you call a short psychic on the run from the police?
A small medium at large.

[LoyalTubist]

A cowboy gets pulled over by a state trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy sez, "You havin' some problem with circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies." Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's butt?" "No, sir," the cowboy replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call you a horse's butt." "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[Brassdad]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three
in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small
and insignificant Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo crap. Someone stole tent."

[tubatooter1940]

A cop stopped a drunk driver. The cop asked, " You drinking?"
The drunk replied, "You buying?"

The drunk was brought before the judge. The judge said, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk replied, "Great, lets get started."

[LoyalTubist]

Top 10 Signs That It Is Time to Join E-Mailers Anonymous

10 ) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

9 ) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.

8 ) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

7 ) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.

6 ) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

5 ) You find yourself typing ''com'' after every period.com.

4 ) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3 ) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

2 ) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

1 ) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.

[LoyalTubist]

A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him.

The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

[LoyalTubist]

REAL ADVERTISEMENTS THAT APPEARED IN REAL NEWSPAPERS!

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

[LoyalTubist]

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : " DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS "

At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law."

Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly"

At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!"

Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."

In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: "Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor."

A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: "A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS"

A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: "Caution: Nuts crossing road."

[windshieldbug]

A driver did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman behind him went ballistic, pounding on her horn and screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to drive through the intersection with him. Still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm awfully sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk."

"Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

[TubaRay]

I don't think we can put that one in the "funny" category, WSB. Perhaps it can go in the "sad, but sometimes true" category. I'm afraid I have done that myself, although I don't have the bumper stickers. For this, I am not proud of myself.