Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[tubatooter1940]

Doc has access to a treasure trove of A plus material. I should be so lucky.

[sc_curtis]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy.....go git cha Momma............

[tubatooter1940]

One night, the man with the world's worst smelling feet met the woman with the world's worst breath. They met in a sleazy single's bar where cigarette smoke, booze odor and a men's restroom that you could smell as you drove by at 70 mph on the highway, covered their respective aromatic difficulties.
They struck up a conversation and really hit it off. They got along so well that when he invited her over to his place, she readily accepted.
As soon as they were inside his apartment, he excused himself, went into the bathroom, threw his socks in the garbage can and scrubbed his feet with every cleaning agent he could find including oven cleaner, powdered those dogs down, slipped on a new pair of socks and rejoined her.
She asked to use his bathroom and brushed her teeth four times with her toothpaste, his toothpaste, Lysol disinfectant, and gargled with laundry bleach and Listerine.
She came out and joined him at the kitchen table. She took him by the hand and said, " I have had a fabulous time with you tonight, but before you get to know me better, I hhhhave a confession to make."
He got his first whiff of her breath and jumped up and said, " You don't have to tell me. I already know. YOU ATE MY SOCKS!"

[Captain Sousie]

The Ice Cream Joke. It was a band tradition at my old school. Told by a tuba player no less.

A woman walks into an ice cream shop. After looking around for a while, she gets ready to order.

Woman: "I would like a quart of vanilla, a quart of strawberry, and a quart of chocolate."

Owner: "I can do the vanilla and the strawberry but I don't have any chocolate left."

Woman: "Ok, well I'll just have a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry, and a pint of chocolate."

Owner: "Sorry to tell you, but I really am out of chocolate. I can do the others but not that one."

Woman: "Ok, ok. I'll just go with a spoonful of vanilla, a spoonful of strawberry, and a spoonful of chocolate."

The shop owner is getting frustrated and is not quite sure what to do. After a moment of thinking he comes up with an idea.

Owner: "Ok lady, spell the 'van' in vanilla."

Woman: "V-A-N"

Owner: "Good. Now spell the 'straw' in strawberry."

Woman: "S-T-R-A-W"

Owner: "Great. Now spell the f**k in chocolate."

Woman: "But the is no f**k in chocolate."

Owner: "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

[Tom Mason]

To figure out some of these highly intellegunt postins, u really kneed some Specialized High Intensity Training. As a teachr and a kop, I receive Specialized High Intensity Training all the time. In fakt, I will hav too sit through 7 hours of Specialized High Intensity Training next Friday so that I kan lurn to teach studnts how to write and read mo better.......

At a later date, I will have to receive MORE Specialized High Intensity Training. And eventually, I will have it Piled Higher and Deeper. Since I got my trainin at a state school that haz an agrikultural degree, I guess you can say that I had to get a BS, MS, and PHD.

Tom Mason

[windshieldbug]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away?"
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting."

[tubatooter1940]

A repeat, but my favorite:
Why did the blonde sell her waterskis?
She couldn't find a hill with a lake on it.

[sc_curtis]

Wife from Hell . . .

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

[windshieldbug]

I just threw up in my mouth a little

What's so funny about that?

[tubatooter1940]

A honeymoon couple checked into a motel.
While the bride was in the bathroom, the husband noticed the coin box next to the bed. When she came out , he said, "Look, baby, if we put a quarter in the coin box, the bed will vibrate."
She said, "Save your money honey, when you get a quarter in, I start vibrating."

[imperialbari]

***

[Brassdad]

Not for grandma!
Grandpa probably would have laughed his backside off.

[Captain Sousie]

Wanted

$10,000 reward.

Schroedinger's Cat.

Dead or Alive

[Captain Sousie]

Announcing the New Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge Device, Otherwise Known as the BOOK!

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just life its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere--even sitting in an armchair by the fire--yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM.

Here's how it works: each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. By using both sides of each sheet, manufacturers are able to cut costs in half.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet. The book may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward and backward as you wish. Most come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session--even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.

Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is the entertainment wave of the future, an many new titles are expected soon, due to the surge in popularity of its programming tool, the Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus...

[Captain Sousie]

A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook".

The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head.

Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it.

The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "read-it, read-it, read-it".

[Captain Sousie]

There was a young couple from Delhi
Who went around belly to belly,
Because, in their haste,
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

[iiipopes]

There once was a man named Gus
Who flashed himself on the bus
When hauled into court
The judge did retort
Non curat lex esto de minimus

(The law will not bother with small or trifling things)

[windshieldbug]

There once was a tubist quite round,
Who played more by feeling than sound
While his tuba he tooted
The rest of us hooted
For the clams, they did abound

[windshieldbug]

... talk about acid-reflux!

[iiipopes]

Ouch!