Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[windshieldbug]

Good thing, too...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LwnA5m03pg&NR

[Brassdad]

I looked for the commercial with the OSU/Michigan sweatshirts on while making out and the tag line...

Without sports this wouldn't be disgusting.

Now that was funny...nearly had to clean my buddies carpet.
Came on during the 2003 game.

[windshieldbug]

[Bill Troiano]

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one ... "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a
patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy
packing .. so I didn't have time to get you anything."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew
that we loved each other very much but we just never found the time to get married." The three children gasp and said, "You mean we're
bastards?"
"Yes," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

[greatk82]

One day, Jesus said to his disciples: "The Kingdom of Heaven is like y = 3x2 + 8x - 9."
A man who had just joined the disciples looked very confused and asked Peter: "What on Earth does he mean by that?"
Peter smiled. "Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas."

[greatk82]

The Day of Judgement has arrived. Major disasters everywhere:
flood, fire, disease. St. Peter has been at the Gates of Heaven
for three straight days, asking the millions of victims some very
basic questions. Jesus comes along and sees that Peter is much too
tired to continue.
"Pete, take a break and I'll do this for a while".


So Jesus takes over and asks each potential resident their name,
occupation, and number of children, where applicable.

After a time, an old, feeble man appears before him.
"Your name sir?" asks Jesus
"I don't know" replies the man.
"Occupation?"
Again the old man replies that he doesn't recall.
"Number of children?"
"No clue" says the man.
Somewhat exasperated, Jesus starts anew. "Your name really isn't that
important. However, your occupation is. Please concentrate sir; what
did you do for a living, how did you gain your livlihood?"
The old man, lost in thought, slowly starts to piece it together.
"Well" he says "I can recall working with my hands a lot. In fact,
looking at the splinters in my palms, I'd have to say that I was a
carpenter"
"Excellent and honorable occupation sir. Well done! Now for the next
step: How many, if any, children did you have?"
Once again the old man furrows his brow and tries desperately to
remember. After a long while he says "I'm almost sure I had one child
and since I can't remember any dresses or dolls, I'm sure the child
was a boy. And one more thing, this boy of mine was ostracized because
he had holes in his hands, his feet, and his sides".
Finally piecing the story together, Jesus jumps to his feet, the
ultimate realization of who he has encountered striking him like a bolt
of lightning. With tears in his eyes, he yells "Father!!"
The old man, equally moved, rises and screams "Pinocchio!!"

[Brassdad]

What goes "Mark, Mark, Mark"?

A dog with a hairlip.

Mark! the hairlip angles sing...

[tubiker]

Jim was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really hacked off.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Jim have been scheduled for next Friday.

[tubiker]

Octopus walks into a bar and says 'I bet I can play any musical instrument in here.'
Barman gives him a guitar and the Octopus proceeds to play it better than Hendrix or Clapton.
Customer says ' bet you can't play the piano.'
Octopus starts tinkling the ivories with all the grace and skill of Elton John.
Jock throws the Octopus a set of bagpipes. The Octopus fumbles with it for a minute and looks confused.
'Ha! Can ye nay play the pipes mi laddie?' asks Jock.
'Play it,' says the Octopus, 'if I can figure out how to get it's pyjamas off, I'm gonna shag it!'

[Brassdad]

Breaking News Alert!!!!
http://www.break.com/index/turkey_the_n ... _drug.html

[Brassdad]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

[Brassdad]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his
new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to take a deep breath and marvel at the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be
so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads over to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Then Father O'Malley calmly replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, Sergeant Jones. But, we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

[Brassdad]

PMS Warning Film

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCwKbUVyHLY

[tubatooter1940]

There they were a-sittin'
together in the stern.
She had hold of his'n
and he had hold of her'n.

[iiipopes]

Oh, Doc, so true, so true!

Especially the pickup gun rack, which was the standard shop project for all the guys who lived on a farm, with the forks in the rack just slightly offset enough so that one set of forks held a shotgun and the other the varmit rifle, and if you told the shop teacher your make and model, he'd adjust the pattern to fit for you before you started cutting it out on a band saw so when you hung it in your pickup and put the rifle and shotgun on it the barrels were perfectly level and straight in the rack.

No joke: the others in shop class made crossbows. Real ones. With contests to see who could polish their walnut stock the best. Great practice with a router to get the grooves for the bolt and guides perfectly straight!

And I'm one who punched another kid out for pestering me after I told him to quit and the teacher to have him quit it. OK, it was 1969, not 1973. Still, the Nixon administration.

And for me, it was the water hose flooding out the ants in the spring rather than the firecrackers in the summer. I bet I killed more ants than you did! And big, black carpenter ants at that!

And why does Dylan's "...oh the times, they are a-changin'" come to mind?

[Brassdad]

What is the worst Christmas toy being sold this year?
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"Contraceptive Spongebob"

[iiipopes]

Hmm. Must be one of those "before and after" things....

[Brassdad]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when
the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was
that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says
"Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one
go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7"

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and
says, "Touchdown, Tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker
and says, "Field Goal I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get
beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it
everything he's got, and accidentally craps in the
bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man
says, "Half time, switch sides..."

[tubaguy9]

Maybe this is a repeat...I don't think so...

An old couple go on a cruise. The old lady is deaf, and has hearing aids, but leaves them at home for the cruise.

First night of the cruise, the man asks, "Up or Down?," and they have great sex.

Second night, he asks again, "Up or Down?," and they have great sex.

Third night, same thing happens, along with the other nights on the cruise.

Finally, they get home. She puts in her hearing aid, and the night comes again. So, as done on the cruise, he asks again, "Up or Down?". This time, she replies, "Up or Down? What do you mean?", and he explains that he asked that on the cruise, and they had great sex. She replies, "Oh! That's what you said! I thought you said "Hump or Drown?"!"

[windshieldbug]

"Feet split and Lie!"