Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[Daryl Fletcher]

Here you go: http://www.allaboutjazz.com/articles/arti0201_01.htm

Jazz, A Very Long Film by Ken Burns


By John Grabowski

Presenting Ken Burns' 144-hour Extremely Important documentary, "Jazz."

Fade up on a grainy old photograph of a man in a three-piece suit, holding a cornet. Or a bicycle horn, it's hard to tell.

Narrator: Skunkbucket LeFunke was born in 1876 and died in 1901. No one who heard him is alive today. The grandchildren of the people who heard him are not alive today. The great-grandchildren of the people who heard him are not alive today. He was never recorded.

Wynton Marsalis: I'll tell you exactly what Skunkbucket LeFunke sounded like. He had this big rippling sound, and he always phrased off the beat, and he slurred his notes. And when the Creole bands were still playing De-bah-de-bah-ta-da-tah, he was already playing Bo-dap-da-lete-do-do-do-bah! He was just like gumbo, ahead of his time.

Stanley Crouch: When people listened to Skunkbucket LeFunke, what they heard was Do-do-dee-bwap-da-dee-dee-de-da-da-doop-doop-dap. And they knew even then how profound that was.

Announcer: It didn't take LeFunke long to advance the art of jazz past its humble beginnings in New Orleans whoredom with the addition of something you've probably never heard of before, The Big Four.

Wynton: Before the Big Four, jazz drumming sounded like BOOM-chick-BOOM-chick-BOOM-chick. But now they had the Big Four, which was so powerful some said it felt like a Six. A few visiting musicians even swore they were in an Eight.

Stanley: It was smooth and responsive, and there was no knocking and pinging, even on 87 octane!

Announcer: Next came the great Tootsie-Roll Gorton. Gorton was a cornet player, gambler, card shark, pool hustler, pimp, male prostitute, Kelly Girl, computer programmer, symphony orchestra tambourine player, brain surgeon and he invented the internet. He's also famous for the song "Ain't gonna give you none of my Tootsie-Roll."

Stanley: Tootsie-Roll is a name that's sexual in nature. Let's just say it's that motion you get when you roll your Tootsie, okay? And the people then--don't kid yourself--they understood this. And it was very profound.

Wynton: Tootsie-Roll went "Deep-daap-da-dee-dap-doop-doop-bowp-bawp." And no one in New Orleans had ever heard that before. In fact, he often put a handkerchief over his head when he sang so no one would steal his stuff.

Announcer: He agreed to make a record, but only if they kept the recording machine turned off.

Stanley: And when you listen to that record today, you hear silence. But he *did* triumph--White cats never stole his stuff. --Except for John Cage maybe.

Announcer: When any musician in the world heard Louis Armstrong for the first time, they gnawed their arm off with envy, then said the angels probably wanted to sound like Louis. When you consider a bunch of angels talking in gruff voices and singing "Hello Dolly," you realize what a stupid aspiration that is.

Gary Giddy: Louis changed jazz because he was the only cat going Do-da-dep-do-wah-be-be, while everyone else was doing Do-de-dap-dit-dit-dee.

Stanley: And that was very profound.

Marsalis: Like gumbo.

Stanley: Uh-huh.

Matt Glaser: I will always have this fantasy that when Louis performed in Belgium, Werner Heisenberg was in the audience, and he was blown away by Louis' freedom and that's where he got the idea for his Uncertainty Principle. And I will always believe that even if you say it's crazy.

Giddy: It's crazy.

Marsalis: Because the Uncertainty Principle, applied to jazz, means you never know if a cat is going to go Dap-da-de-do-ba-ta-bah or Dap-da-de-do-bip-de-beep.

Stanley: And that can be very profound.

Announcer: The Savoy Ballroom brought people of all races colors and political persuasions together to get sweaty as Europe moved closer and closer to the brink of World War II.

Savoy Dancer: We didn't care what color you were at the Savoy. We only cared if you were wearing deodorant.

2nd Savoy Dancer: Word!

Glaser: I'll bet Arthur Murray was on the dance floor and he was thinking about Louis and that's where he got the idea to open a bunch of dance schools.

Stanley: And that was very profound.

Giddy: Let's talk about Louis some more. We've wasted three minutes of this 57-part documentary not talking about Louis!

Wynton: He was an angel, a genius, and much better than Cats.

Stanley: He invented the word "Cats."

Wynton: He invented swing, he invented jazz, he invented the telephone, the automobile and scat singing.

Stanley: People today wonder why it's called scat singing. But back then--don't kid yourself--they knew what it meant.

Wynton: There was even a song, "Don't give me none of your scat."

Stanley: And that was very--

The others: --Profound!

Stanley: Word!

Glaser: I'll bet Chuck Yeager was in the audience when Louis was hitting those high Cs at the Earle Theater in Philadelphia, and that's what made him decide to break the sound barrier.

Stanley: And from there go to Pluto.

[shot of an empty chair] Wynton: (off camera) I'm making gumbo. Who wants some?

Giddy, Glaser and Ken Burns raise their hand.

Stanley: BOOM-chick-BOOM-chick-BOOM-chick...

Announcer: In 1964, John Coltrane was at his peak, Eric Doolphy was in Europe, where he would eventually die, the Modern Jazz Quartet was making breakthrough recordings in the field of Third Stream Music, Miles Davis was breaking new barrier with his second great quintet, and Charlie Mingus was extending jazz composition to new levels of complexity, to name just a few. But we're going to talk about Louis singing "Hello Dolly" instead.

Stanley: Louis went, Ba-ba-yaba-do-do-dee-da-bebin-doo-wap-deet-deet-do-da-da.

Wynton: Sweets went, Scoop-doop-shalaba-yaba-mokey-hokey-bwap-bwap-tee-tee-dee.

Giddy: I go, Da-da-shoobie-doobie-det-det-det-bap-bap-baaaaa...

Ken Burns: The reason I made Jazz is I wanted to see if I could make a documentary that felt longer than the history of jazz itself, and yet still leave out half the great people because "there wasn't enough time."

Announcer: The rest of the saga of jazz music will be shown in fast forward and will occupy exactly seven seconds. ---There, that was it. Now here are some scenes from Ken Burns' next documentary, a 97-part epic about the Empire State Building, entitled "Ken Burns' Empire State Building":

[grainy shot of King Kong crushing airplanes with his fists] "It is tall and majestic. It is America's building. It is the Empire State Building. Dozens of workers gave their lives in the construction of this building."

Matt Glaser: I'll bet that they were thinking of Louis as they were falling to their deaths. I have this fantasy that his high notes inspired the immenseness of the Empire State Building.

Wynton Marsalis: I'll bet most people who'd fall off the Empire State Building would go "Aaaaaahhhh!" But these cats, they went "Dee-dee-daba-da-da-bop-bop-de-dop-shewap-splat!"

"That's next time on PBS."

[windshieldbug]

You know you're a redneck when ...

(1 ) You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
(2 ) You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
(3 ) Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
(4 ) Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
(5 ) You burn your yard rather than mow it.
(6 ) You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
(7 ) The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
(8 ) Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
(9 ) You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
(10 ) You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
(11 ) You come back from the dump with more than you took.
(12 ) You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
(13 ) Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
(14 ) Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
(15 ) You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
(16 ) You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
(17 ) You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
(18 ) You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
(19 ) Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
(20 ) You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
(21 ) You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
(22 ) You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
(23 ) You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
(24 ) You have a rag for a gas cap.
(25 ) You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
(26 ) Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
(27 ) Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
(28 ) You can spit without opening your mouth.
(29 ) You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
(30 ) Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
(31 ) You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
(32 ) You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
(33 ) The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
(34 ) Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
(35 ) You thought the Uni-bomber was a wrestler.
(36 ) You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
(37 ) You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
(38 ) Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
(39 ) A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.
(40 ) You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
(41 ) You've asked the Preacher "How's it hangin'.?"
(42 ) You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
(43 ) You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
(44 ) Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

[windshieldbug]

That was just "You know you're a redneck when... "

Doc, you already know!

[ken k]

thank you Daryl!

ken k


I want a name like Skunkbucket Le Funke!!!!!

[Kevin Hendrick]

I want a name like Skunkbucket Le Funke!!!!!

Well, how about "Pepe LePew" for starters...?

That would be very profound.

[Mike Finn]

A man was driving down the street in a sweat because
he had an important meeting and couldn't find a
parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity
on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to
church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give
up drinking."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. The man looked
up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

[tubatooter1940]

An airplane was going thrugh extreme turbulence and a preacher aboard prayed, "Lord if you get us down safely, I will give you half of all I own." The plane leveled out and landed safely. A nearby passenger said,"I heard what you said,preacher,about giving half of what you own to the Lord. I know you're going to start right now."
The preacher said, "Naw,man, I made a better deal. I told the Lord if I ever get on another plane, he could have it all."

[TubaRay]

A man was driving down the street in a sweat because
he had an important meeting and couldn't find a
parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity
on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to
church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give
up drinking."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. The man looked
up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

That's just about the way some of us are, isn't it? I've probably been guilty of this, myself. I sure hope not, though.

[Joe Baker]

There's a corollary to that story, though.

• A fellow is stuck on his rooftop as flood waters rise around him. "Lord, save me!" he said. The Lord speaks in booming but soothing tones, "My child, be at peace. I will save you."
  
  As the streets begin to overflow with water, a four-wheel drive pickup pulls up to the curb. "Get in!", the driver calls to him, "I'll drive you to safety!"
  
  "No, the Lord will save me", the fellow says.
  
  The water rises 'til it's half-way up the houses. Wheeled traffic can no longer use the streets, but a small boat makes it to the house. The guy in the boat calls out "Get in! I'll take you to safety!"
  
  "No", the fellow says with a calm smile, "the Lord will save me."
  
  Before long, the water has covered the house. The man is standing on the roof peak, in water up to his knees. A helicopter whizzes up, and a rescuer is lowered on a rope. "Get in!", the rescuer calls out over the helicopter's noise, "We'll fly you to safety!"
  
  "No", the fellow says, "the Lord will save me."
  
  The water continues to rise, and eventually the fellow drowns.
  
  As he enters Heaven, St. Peter says to him, "Many people, upon arriving here, have questions they wish to ask the Almighty. Is there anything you'd like to ask?"
  
  "Well, yes, there is."
  
  "Follow me", St. Peter says, leading the man through a great door into a beautifully decorated office. Seated behind a vast desk sits the Lord.
  
  "Lord", the man says, "I have a question. When I was on the roof, I asked you to save me, and you said you would. So why did you let me drown?"
  
  The Lord leans forward in his chair and says gently to the man, "My son, I sent a truck, a boat and a helicopter. Why didn't you get into one of them?"

____________________________________
Joe Baker, who recalls that EVERY good and perfect gift comes from the Father -- even if no miracle is evident.

[TubaRay]

It seems that same Sunday School teacher was teaching her class about the story of how Lot and his wife were told by God to only look in the direction they were going. Of course Lot's wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt. That same little girl raised her hand, and when called on by the teacher, said, "That's nothing! My mom looked back the other day and she turned into a utility pole."

[windshieldbug]

How do you tell if a trombone player is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).

[windshieldbug]

How do trumpet players greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you."

[windshieldbug]

What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?

Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.

It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw

chicka-bump

[Brassdad]

A man walking on the beach finds a magic lamp and rubs it. The genie who appears tells him he may only have 1 wish vice the usual 3.
The man thinks a bit and says "You know I've never been to Hawaii because I'm too scared to fly. I'd like a bridge to Hawwaii so I could drive over."
The genie looks at the man and says "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard anyone wish for. Do you not understand tidal currents? distances? Why, just the ammount of concrete alone would cease all construction world wide. No, I won't do it. Make another wish."
The man thinks a bit longer and replies "I've never had luck with women. I'd like to know what it is that makes women happy."
The genie asks "You want that bridge 4 or 6 lane?"

[TubaRay]

A man walking on the beach finds a magic lamp and rubs it. The genie who appears tells him he may only have 1 wish vice the usual 3.
The man thinks a bit and says "You know I've never been to Hawaii because I'm too scared to fly. I'd like a bridge to Hawwaii so I could drive over."
The genie looks at the man and says "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard anyone wish for. Do you not understand tidal currents? distances? Why, just the ammount of concrete alone would cease all construction world wide. No, I won't do it. Make another wish."
The man thinks a bit longer and replies "I've never had luck with women. I'd like to know what it is that makes women happy."
The genie asks "You want that bridge 4 or 6 lane?"

That's a true story, isn't it?

[Brassdad]

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps some things hot and some things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing.... I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.
"What's that,' he asked?
"Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, " she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".
_____________________________________________________
Brassdad who married a blond and produced 2 more!

[TexTuba]

A Blonde reads the headline on the paper that states:

"12 Brazilian soldiers killed in combat."

She then asks the guy next to her, "How much is a brazilian?"

Ralph

[Brassdad]

Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in
two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife


Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

[windshieldbug]

Well, it's only Friday, but...

Top Oxymorons

No. 47 Act Naturally
No. 46 Found Missing
No. 45 Resident Alien
No. 44 Advanced BASIC
No. 43 Genuine imitation
No. 42 Airline Food
No. 41 Good grief
No. 40 Same difference
No. 39 Almost exactly
No. 38 Government organization
No. 37 Sanitary landfill
No. 36 Alone together
No. 35 Legally drunk
No. 34 Silent scream
No. 33 American history
No. 32 Living dead
No. 31 Small crowd
No. 30 Business ethics
No. 29 Soft rock
No. 28 Butt Head
No. 27 Military intelligence
No. 26 Software documentation
No. 25 New York culture
No. 24 New classic
No. 23 Sweet sorrow
No. 22 Childproof
No. 21 "Now, then.."
No. 20 Synthetic natural gas
No. 19 Passive aggression
No. 18 Taped live
No. 17 Clearly misunderstood
No. 16 Peace force
No. 15 Extinct life
No. 14 Temporary tax increase
No. 13 Computer Jock
No. 12 Plastic glasses
No. 11 Terribly pleased
No. 10 Computer security
No. 9 Political Science
No. 8 Tight slacks
No. 7 Definite maybe
No. 6 Pretty ugly
No. 5 12-ounce pound cake
No. 4 Diet ice cream
No. 3 Working vacation
No. 2 Exact estimate
No. 1 Microsoft Works

[bort]

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender looks the jumper cables over slowly and says, " I'll get you your drink, but you better not start anything".

Haha, well if we're pulling out these, then I guess here we go:

1) A hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender looks at the hamburger and says "sorry pal, we don't serve food here."

2) A man walks into a bar with a large piece of asphalt under his arm. The bartender says "what'll it be?" The man replies "a beer for me, and one for the road."

3) A toothless termite walks into a bar and says "hey! where's the bar tender?"