Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

LoyalTubist · Post by **LoyalTubist** » Sat Jan 20, 2007 5:21 am

Doesn't someone have to pay for the gunny sack to put you in?

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Sat Jan 20, 2007 12:46 pm

Doc wrote:It's complimentary

A gunny sack that says nice things about you!?

iiipopes · Post by **iiipopes** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 10:17 am

In additions to the obvious ones, I've done #5.

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 10:34 am

iiipopes wrote:In additions to the obvious ones, I've done #5.

Billed a lady after death!?

tubatooter1940 · Post by **tubatooter1940** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 8:30 pm

iiipopes wrote:In additions to the obvious ones, I've done #5.

You bail a buddy out of jail and you have made a friend for life.
I bailed my drummer out 30 years ago. He still sends Christmas cards and calls once in a while.

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Mon Jan 22, 2007 9:53 pm

tubatooter1940 wrote:
iiipopes wrote:In additions to the obvious ones, I've done #5.
You bail a buddy out of jail and you have made a friend for life.
I bailed my drummer out 30 years ago. He still sends Christmas cards and calls once in a while.

That's only because he expects you to be depended on it in the immediate future...

Captain Sousie · Post by **Captain Sousie** » Thu Jan 25, 2007 12:16 pm

Doc wrote:HOW TO STAY AWAKE IN TEACHER INSERVICES: OFFERED AS A PUBLIC SERVICE...

That was great.

I just might not be able to resist posting that in the teachers' lounge. Thanks

Sou

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Thu Jan 25, 2007 12:32 pm

Captain Sousie wrote:I just might not be able to resist posting that in the teachers' lounge.

"BULLSHIT!"

dmmorris · Post by **dmmorris** » Fri Jan 26, 2007 9:58 am

Sorry.......this may be on here already, but I'm way too lazy to check:

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park
bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and
wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him
what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help He said, "Do you have
any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

"She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves..by the time you get to the 5th
loaf, it'll be hard!"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about
this Italian bread thing but me!"

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Sat Jan 27, 2007 9:08 am

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd
settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went?"

LoyalTubist · Post by **LoyalTubist** » Tue Jan 30, 2007 5:11 am

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the freeway one day, so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk, takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprising, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It didn't take long for the police to arrive...

The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde and yells, "What's going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer." says the blonde woman, calmly.

"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?, asks the officer.

"Oh, those? They're my Emergency Flashers" she replied.

dmmorris · Post by **dmmorris** » Tue Jan 30, 2007 1:07 pm

A Blonde's Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helllloooo; bottles won't fit in printer!
March - Got really excited. Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. Box said "2-4 years".
April - Trapped on escalator for hours. Power failure.
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid; wrong instructions. 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
June - Tried to go water skiing. Couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later that the other swimmers cheated. They used their arms.
August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm. Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it?
October - Fired from Quality Control job at M&Ms factory. I threw away all the "W"s.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said 1 hour per pound. I weigh 108.
December - Couldn't call 911. There's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone.
What a year!

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Tue Jan 30, 2007 3:32 pm

Wow! I had no idea that you were blonde, too!!

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Tue Jan 30, 2007 4:28 pm

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day-care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France; the result: Linoleum Blownapart.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Thu Feb 01, 2007 6:20 am

I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a

sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little

chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already

buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free".

She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door. They walk

among us and many work retail.

---------

A friend of mine bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his

old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:

"Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the

fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. My friend

decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked too good to be

true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."

The next day someone stole it. They walk among us.

--------

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of

them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and

said, "Where?" They Walk among us!

====================

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which

direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun

waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for

sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that

stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!

====================

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I

got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was

open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7

days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to

end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us!

====================

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we

overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the

sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a

convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was

moving." They Walk Among Us!

====================

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a

seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. They Walk

Among Us!

====================

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were

discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The

cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. They Walk Among Us!

====================

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring

attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain

rip out every time she turned her head?"

I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance

apart no matter which way the head is turned. They Walk Among Us!

====================

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to

the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed

up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained

professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your

plane arrived yet?" They Walk Among Us!

====================

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small

pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like

it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before

responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry

enough to eat 6 pieces." Yep, They Walk Among Us!

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Thu Feb 01, 2007 9:00 am

Yep! They do walk among us.

iiipopes · Post by **iiipopes** » Thu Feb 01, 2007 12:52 pm

My sister-in-law sent this to my wife; it is too funny not to post:

Subject: Fw: Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,
> Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
> distinct slow-down in overall system performance - particularly in the
> flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
> Boyfriend 5.0.
>
> In addition, installation of Husband 1.0 seems to have uninstalled many
> other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention
> 6.5, and then installed such other undesirable programs as NFL 5.0, NBA
> 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and
> Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
>
> I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
> What can I do?
>
> Signed,
> Desperate
>
> ******************************************
>
> Dear Desperate:
> First keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment
> Package,while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the
> command: & gt; "http: I Thought You Loved Me. Htm" and try to download
> Tears 6.2, and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
>
> If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
> automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
>
> But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0
> to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1
> is a very bad program that will automatically download the Snoring
> Loudly Beta.
>
> Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
> the background which will eventually seize control of all your system
> resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
> This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
>
> In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
> memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
> buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
> recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
>
> God Bless,
> Tech Support

KarlMarx · Post by **KarlMarx** » Thu Feb 08, 2007 6:05 pm

bloke wrote:HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet.

HUSBAND: How does that help?

WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

Deb really has earned some respect!

(No thoughts expressed hereby, as no thinking appears to be wanted on TubeNet)

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Fri Feb 09, 2007 7:40 pm

Doc wrote:The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Stupid Transmitted Disease in New Orleans. The disease is contracted through ignorance coupled with dangerous and high-risk behavior.

This new disease strain is called Gonorrhea Lectem and pronounced "gonna re-elect'em.

Many victims have contracted it and keep screwing themselves year after year.

The strain first appeared in early 2006...Mayor Nagin (Katrina King, Chocolate City) was returned tothe mayors office. The current strain surfaced again this past fall when William Jefferson (Democrat, LA) won the runoff election to the U.S. House . . . . . . in spite of the FBI finding his home freezer stuffed full of FBI marked cash bribery money.

The Center for Disease Control has issued a severe warning this past week that there is danger that this strain of Stupid Transmitted Disease in New Orleans may be in the process of mutating and will infect the entire State of Louisiana by early fall just in time for the Governor's election.

You have posted to the wrong topic. This is more assuredly NOT funny!

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Sat Feb 10, 2007 8:04 am

Cold Is A Relative Thing

60 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Wisconsin plant gardens.

50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Eagle River Wisconsin sunbathe.

40 above zero:
Italian &English cars won't start.
People in Wisconsin drive with the windows down.

32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Lake Wissota thickens.

20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Wisconsin throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Wisconsin have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero:
People in Miami all die.
Wisconsinites close the windows.

10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico .
People in Wisconsin get out their winter coats.

25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Wisconsin are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Wisconsin let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Wisconsinites get upset because they can't start the Mini-
Van.

460 (-459.67 F below zero):
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero, zero on the Kelvin
scale.)
People in Wisconsin start saying...'Cold 'nuff fer ya?'

500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Wisconsin public schools will open 2 hours late.