Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[tubatooter1940]

In Magadan, Siberia, the local political leaders control hot water to everyone. You put your hand on the pipes to see if they have gotten around to warming the water to your apartment block. 10 A.M was usual for hot water to come on and 4P.M. or so it stopped.

[Rick F]

Two Swedes from Wisconsin are sittin' in a boat on Dead Lake, fishing and suckin' down beer, when all of a sudden Sven says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

Ole sips his beer and says, "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."

[Brassdad]

Two cannibals, Handible and Elbob meet one day.
Handible said, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender."

Elbob asked, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

Handible said, "Oh, you know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend in the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Aha!" the Elbob exclaimed, "No wonder! Those are fryers!"

[Brassdad]

A blonde walks into a Pharmacy and asks a clerk for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist overhears and is a little bemused. He explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." We just have underarm deodorants.

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."

About an hour later, she returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the deodorant back and reads out loud from the package,


"To apply, push up bottom."

[Brassdad]

http://www.crazy-jokes.com/funny-files/ ... baby.shtml

This can be addictive.

[tubatooter1940]

Two cannibals were enjoying dinner together when one announced, "I hate my mother -in-law. I just hate my mother-in-law."
The other cannibal replied, "Just eat the vegetables."

[Brassdad]

Two Polish hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.

[Brassdad]

A Californian was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the Pole complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.

"Have you been taking them regulary?" the doctor asked.

"What do you think I've been doing," he said, "Shoving them up my butt?"

[Brassdad]

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".

[Brassdad]

Army, Air Force, and Marine Generals were standing in front of a rappelling tower with a Navy Admiral. The Air Force General says to the others, "My men are the most courageous of the Armed Forces."

"Ha!" said The Admiral, "My men are the most courageous and I'll prove it."

The Admiral calls a sailor over from the tower. He tells the seaman, "I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute."

"Yes, Sir!!!" the Seaman yells and proceeds to climb the tower. The Private walks to the edge, yells "Anchors Away!" and jumps off the tower. He is killed instantly upon impact.

"That's nothing," the Air Force General said, bored. He calls a Senior Airman over. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower - no rope, no parachute and I want you to do it with style."

"Yes, Sir!!!" the Senior Airman yells. He climbs to the top of the tower, walks to the edge and jumps. He executes a swan dive that would make Greg Louganis proud, hits the ground and dies on impact.

"Hmmph," the Army General said. "Ya'll obviously forgot the Army washere," he said.

He calls a Private over. "Soldier, I want you to jump off that tower and make the Army proud!"

The Private yells, "Hoo-Ahh!", by way of response and runs to the tower. He grabs an M-60 and ammunition belt on the way and wraps the belt around himself in the Pancho Villa style. He climbs the tower and walks to the edge. Upon reaching the edge, he throws two grenades into the air, yells "Airborne!" and jumps off. He starts shooting the M-60 in mid-air, clipping treetops and yelling the entire way down. His impact is obscured by the two exploding grenades. When the smoke clears, only little pieces of the soldier are left.

The others are impressed and nod their heads in admiration. Then the Marine Corps General says, "That's nothing." The others turn to face him, their faces in disbelief. The Marine General calls a Private First Class over who was cleaning latrines. "Son, I want you to jump off that tower- no rope, no parachute."

The Private First Class looks the Marine General in the face and says, "Screw you! You kiss my *** first!" and walks off.

The Marine General turns to the others and says,
"Now THAT'S courage!"

[Brassdad]

A cowboy is sitting in a bar and a cute woman sits down next to him.

She asks:" Are you a real cowbow?"

He says:" Well, I get up in the mornin and feed the stock. I ride a horse. I mend fences and herd cattle. I believe, I'm a real cowboy.

Then the cowboy asks the woman:" What are you?"

She replies:" I'm a lesbian. I get up in the morning and think about women. When I sleep, I dream about women, and when I want to have sex, I want to have sex with women.

After a few minutes the woman leaves and a couple comes in and sits next to the cowboy and asks:" Are you a real cowbow?"

He replies:"I thought I was, but now I think Im a lesbian."

[Brassdad]

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.

[Brassdad]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires,
"How much for a season pass?"

[Brassdad]

Brad had a blind date with Ashley for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more. After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That's something I have never done before," Ashley replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Brad was amazed.

"No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"

[Brassdad]

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. After bringing in all the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says "Well put them between my legs and I will warm them up."

Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says,"Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She (smiles) and says, "Darn Honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?"

[djwesp]

Beer Contains Female Hormones

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released
the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The
theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1
hour period It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional.
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally.
8. Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

[windshieldbug]

At the bottom of an eMail:

Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

[Mike Finn]

there's currently a post on the main board that I found rather humorous, it ends with:

...I just want to hear the piano accompaniment before I play with my pianist.

MF

[TubaRay]

there's currently a post on the main board that I found rather humorous, it ends with:

...I just want to hear the piano accompaniment before I play with my pianist.

MF

Maybe the piano accompaniment will inspire him. It could even be exciting.

[dmmorris]

Two patients limp into two different American medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, has a time booked for surgery the next day and, within two days, is home recuperating.

The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?
.
.
The first is a Golden Retriever.

The second is a Senior Citizen