Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[Brassdad]

A man walks into a croweded bar.
The bartender, upon seeing him, asks "What can I get you?"
"I'll have a whiskey." replies the man.
The bartender pours the man a whiskey, which he promptly downs and then heads towards the door.
"Hey!" shouts the bartender, "You owe me for that drink!"
"Oh no." replies the man, "You offered me a drink, I didn't order one."
The bartender addresses the bar saying, "Can you believe this guy?"
One of the customers at the bar says "Acutally, I'm a laywer, and you did offer the drink. And his accepting made it a verbal contract. Legally speaking he is correct, it is a free drink."
THe bartender is outraged. He yells at the retreating man, "Get out and never come back here again!"
At that the man walks out.
Not three minutes later the same man re-enters the bar.
The bartender sees him and say "Itold you to get out of here and never come back! Now get out!"
"No you didn't." relies the man.
The bartender exclaimed "I did so not 3 minutes ago you liar!"
"I most certianly assure you sir, I have never been in your establishment before." replies tha man.
"Well then you must have a double." sneers the bartender.

To which the man replied, "Well thanks, how about one also for my friend the lawyer there?"

[TubaRay]

Two patients limp into two different American medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, has a time booked for surgery the next day and, within two days, is home recuperating.

The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients?
.
.
The first is a Golden Retriever.

The second is a Senior Citizen

I object! This thread is supposed to be pure comedy.

No kidding!!!

[rwiegand]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

[tubatooter1940]

Bloke, where did you find that picture of my houseboat?
Gotta admit, rednecks are innovators.

[EuphDad]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this
morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no
bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids
were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but
I couldn't find any.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to
the other and says "Dam!".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the
office and asked them to disperse."But why?", they asked, as
they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of
them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The
other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years
later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of
the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his
feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and
with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.. This made
him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different
puns to her friends, with the hope that at least ten of the
puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Brassdad]

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[iiipopes]

From one of the lady members at brass-forum.co.uk:

A friend sent me the following, and it made me giggle:
 
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping. This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:
 
Dear Mrs. Murray,
 
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
 
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
 
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
 
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
 
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
 
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
 
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
 
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
 
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
 
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
 
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
 
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
 
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
 
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
 
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
 
And; last, but not least:
 
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

[EuphDad]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year
to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first..

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?











Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

Scroll down











The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

[iiipopes]

Why would the highest power in this universe take Anna Nicole from us and leave Hillary behind?

The Creator set in motion certain physical laws that won't be interfered with. The Creator also gave individuals the awareness and power to choose something contrary to Its will, in order to be perceived as the Creator. As a consequence, events will eventuate. The only hope, for those who believe, is ultimate redemption and in the mean time the spirit to give strength to get on with it regardless.

So, would you rather have Hillary running, or in a few years when she reaches the Constitutional minimum age, her daughter?

[Brassdad]

Okay let's get this back on topic before it gets locked!!!!

[Brassdad]

The marriage between the elderly farmer and his young wife was not working out too well, so the farmer consulted his doctor for advice.

"The next time you're down in the field plowing and feel a yearning for your wife." said the doctor, "don't wait until lunch time or the end of the day, but quit what you're doing and go to the house." "I tried that," said the farmer, "but by the time I get to the house, I am so tuckered out, it's no use."

The doctor thought for a minute, "Take your rifle with you when you leave the house in the morning and if you feel the urge, shoot the rifle and she will come down there where you are."

A few weeks later the two men met on the street.

"How did it work out?" asked the doctor.

"Fine, the first three days," said the farmer, "then deer hunting season opened and I haven't seen her since."

[Brassdad]

Bruce and Bubba went deer hunting, and Bubba shot a deer. They started to take it back to their truck. They were pulling it by the hind feet. That made the fur snag on the ground, making it hard to pull.

Another hunter, seeing their dilemma, told them it would be easier to pull the deer by the rack. That way the fur wouldn't snag on the ground. The guys thanked the man, and he went on.

After a little discussion, they decided to drag it by the rack. Bruce turned to Bubba and said,"Ya know, this is a lot easier to drag now." Bubba said,"Yeah, but we sure are getting a long way away from the truck."

[Brassdad]

Why did Mozart kill his chickens?
Because they always ran around screaming, "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

A little boy tells his mommy, "I want to be a musician when I grow up!"
His mother replies, "But honey, you know you can't do both."

[Brassdad]

A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now." So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar. And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a seat at the bar.
The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man says, "Bud Light please."

The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light and, besides, I have no name for my penis."

The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink."

The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes to think, and I'll order when I come up with something."

So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states, in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin."

The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Dodge, because it is built ram tough."

Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come here, I am ready to order."

The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"

The man says, "A Bud Light please."

The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?"

The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman."

[TubaRay]

Good choice!

[windshieldbug]

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one person enjoys it?

[TubaRay]

What gets longer when pulled...

Fits between your boobs...

Inserts neatly in a hole...

And works best when jerked?

A SEAT BELT, you perverts!

How did you know what I was thinking?

[Brassdad]

Isn't it more like 20 minutes?

[Brassdad]

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:

"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""?
The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".

The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"?
She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES".
She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm – wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"

After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"

The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the heck did you arrive at this answer?"

"Well, everybody knows it goes...Da da da daaaa; Da da daaaa, Da da da daaaaaaaa, Da da da daaa daaa...."

[windshieldbug]

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?