Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[Rick F]

Texas women.

• Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Colorado and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
• The second man had married a woman from Nebraska and had told her that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw that his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
• The third man had married a woman from TEXAS and had told her that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes, and the cooking, and to put hot meals on the table for every meal, and to keep the lawn mowed and the laundry washed. The first day he said he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down, and he could see a little out of his left eye ... enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

[pulseczar]

One day President Bush was giving a speech about American Indian rights. He talked about how he had signed his name 5,333 times for every single American Indian issue that came to his desk; he had donated $1 dollars to American Indian tribes; he really wanted to help his "red brothers". At the end of his speech, the chiefs of the American Indian tribes gave him a bronze plaque with his new American Indian name, "Walking Eagle", inscribed on it. Holding the plaque, waving and smiling to the crowd, President Bush walked back to his limousine.
About an hour later, an news reporter asked on the the American Indian chiefs why they gave the name "Walking Eagle" to the president. The chief said, "Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of s**t that it can no longer fly"

[windshieldbug]

Sorry, Doc, anything rotating has vibrato...

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: SOME lawnmowers are actually in tune!

[windshieldbug]

For 95 points: Which tire? _________

The flat one!

[pulseczar]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer,

"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[iiipopes]

Wasn't it W. C. Fields who said never follow children or animal acts? I hate following an Easter joke, but here goes:

Guy comes home drunk. Wife asks where he's been.

"Honey, I was at this place called the Gold Bar. All the staff wear gold shirts."

"Yeah, right. You're drunk. Where were you really?"

"Really! They also wore gold pants."

"You're really out of it. How much did you really have?"

"They even served drinks in gold glasses!"

"No, we're going to discuss this further in the morning when you sober up."

"They even had gold urinals in the men's room!"

That was too much. She pours him into bed. The next day she looks in the telephone book. Sure enough, there is a listing for The Gold Bar. She calls.

"Is this the Gold Bar?" "Yes."

"Does your staff really wear gold shirts and pants?" "Yes."

"Do you really serve your drinks in gold glasses?" "Yes."

"OK. Do you really have gold urinals in the men's room?"

She hears a shuffle, and then the guy on the phone yelling in the background, "Hey Frank! I think I got a lead on who pissed in your saxophone!"

[pulseczar]

Demotivational Gallery

http://www.spikedhumor.com/Article.aspx?id=36912

[JimG]

I stole this joke from a car forum.

A women takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here"

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy-"I have a football."

Man-"That's nice."

Boy-"Want to buy it?"

Man-"No thanks."

Boy-"My dad's outside."

Man-"OK, how much?"

Boy-"$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy-"Dark in here."

Man-"Yes, it is."

Boy-"I have football shoes."

The lover, remembering last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy-"$750."

Man-"Sold"

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your football and shoes, lets go outside and play."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and shoes." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy-"$1000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again. You are in my cupboard now."

[Carroll]

Demotivational Gallery

http://www.spikedhumor.com/Article.aspx?id=36912

I have those posted all around my band room in an ever changing display!

[windshieldbug]

What about just "blonde" jokes or just "bimbo" jokes?

Mike (who is continually becoming ever increasingly follicularly-challanged)

[pulseczar]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[windshieldbug]

Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office
for a talk.

"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome.'

"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, "Good morning, General."

[windshieldbug]

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.

"These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."

She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

[ken k]

Note to bloke, notice this is a "beautiful blonde" joke and not a blonde bimbo joke.....

THE RABBIT

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible!", he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..
















I know you can't wait to hear this answer.....

















just a little bit more.....













wait for it.........


























"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

ken "ba-dump-bump, crashshshsh!" k

[ken k]

I know that joke was just sooooo bad I couldn't resist stretching it out....

my sincerest apologies.....NOT!!!

ken k

[LoyalTubist]

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach alot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing, she would approach the people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wonder off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks, the wife said, "Honey, have you noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied, "her name is Sally and...she sells C cells by the sea shore."

[ken k]

another groaner.....

[windshieldbug]

Then He must've seen his shadow...

[Brassdad]

A young man from Kentuckey moves to New York City and lands a job in middle management in a fortune 500 company. Because of the move, he starts work on a Tuesday, He comes in 15 minutes early every day, works dilligently (far outpacing the others in his department), and leaves a half hour late every day.

Come Monday the following week it's 5 minutes before starting time when he calls his new boss. "I can't come to work today, I'm sick." The boss tells him it's okay, take it easy and come back when he's better.

On Tuesday he's back in to work 15 minutes early, again out paces everyone else, staying late and improving poductivity. His performance continues for the remainder of the week.

The following Monday, at 5 minutes before starting time, he again calls the boss/ "I can't come to work today, I'm sick." The boss is suprised but gives him the same instructions as before. Once again, the man hist his regular routine on Tuesday through Friday.

And on Monday, the call to the boss comes again. This time the boss is a bit miffed, but he knows the guy is his best employee, getting more work done in the 4 days he's worked each week than any one else has come close to in 5. So he again tells the young fellow to get better and come in when he can. Which again turns out to be Tuesday.

Of course the boss is upset on the next Monday when the phone rings 5 minutes before office hours and it is again the young man. "I can't come to work today, I'm sick." This time the boss tells him to come to his office once he returns to work.

So on Tuesday, the young man goes to the bosses office as directed.

The boss tells the young man to sit down. He looks at him from across his large desk. "You know, when you interviewed for this position, I was impressed with your resume, and with your demeanor. You seemed like some one who would make an immediate impact on the department and the company in general." "In fact, you performed beyond my expectations."

"Thank you sir." Replied the young man.

"However." Continued the boss; "Your habit of missing work every Monday cannot be overlooked." Every one here knows you are out working them, but I can't give you preferential treatment." "You're going to have to explain to me shat is going on, or I'll have to let you go."

"Well, you see sir, it's like this." Started the young man...

"Moving out here is more expensive than I can afford, even on what you pay me." "So my sister joined me, got a job as a waitress in Hooters, and shares the apartment with me to save money."

"I don't see how that efects your coming to work on Mondays." interrupted the boss...

"Well sir, My sister has always stayed out late on Sunday night and she usually comes home quite drunk, but worst of all she always is horney when she comes home." "I try and resist her, but she's quite attractive, and I don't have a girlfriend yet." "Well sir, one thing tends to lead to another, and we wind up having sex."

Upon hearing that the boss exclaims "You're Sick!"

And the young man replies; "Yes sir, that's what I've been telling you."

[tubatooter1940]

A guy married a BLONDE and took her on a honeymoon to Vegas.
He hit the shower first and while she was showering, he noticed a coin box on the motel bed that read "quarters only". Naturally he dropped a quarter in and the bed vibrated for 15 minutes.
When she came out of the shower, he said, "Look, Honey, if we put a quarter in the coin slot, the bed vibrates."
She replied, "Save your money, Honey. When you get a quarter in, I start to vibrate."