Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

SplatterTone · Post by **SplatterTone** » Mon Apr 16, 2007 8:25 pm

=== TUBA FASHION ===

http://www.fatbastardwine.com/index2.htm

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Mon Apr 16, 2007 11:16 pm

SplatterTone wrote:=== TUBA FASHION ===
http://www.fatbastardwine.com/index2.htm

Being a cabernet drinker, I must confess enjoying a glass of Fat Bastard every now and then with my salmon...

SplatterTone · Post by **SplatterTone** » Tue Apr 17, 2007 12:54 am

This looks like it's for real, no photoshop.

LoyalTubist · Post by **LoyalTubist** » Tue Apr 17, 2007 1:54 am

I guess that means Hardee's is going to be coming to Cambodia!

tubatooter1940 · Post by **tubatooter1940** » Tue Apr 17, 2007 9:30 am

the elephant wrote:
windshieldbug wrote:
SplatterTone wrote:=== TUBA FASHION ===
http://www.fatbastardwine.com/index2.htm
Being a cabernet drinker, I must confess enjoying a glass of Fat Bastard every now and then with my salmon...
I have two bottles of the stuff (cab and shiraz) in my wine box right now.

I also love Toasted Head wines. Those are a collection of very decent, humorously named wines as well.

Oh crap. I just hijacked my own thread. Crap, crap, crap . . .

The flames coming out of the mouth of the hog on the Toasted Head poster could represent the drinker's breath the next morning.

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Tue Apr 17, 2007 4:16 pm

History does repeat itself:

Year - 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Year - 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

Lesson Learned:
The next time Prince Charles gets married...SOMEONE WARN THE POPE!!

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Tue Apr 17, 2007 4:44 pm

windshieldbug wrote:History does repeat itself:

Year - 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Year - 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

Lesson Learned:
The next time Prince Charles gets married...SOMEONE WARN THE POPE!!

LOL

Where did you get this information, and how did you tie it together? That was funny!

ken k · Post by **ken k** » Tue Apr 17, 2007 10:00 pm

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not bad.

ken k · Post by **ken k** » Tue Apr 17, 2007 10:14 pm

ken k wrote:A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not bad.

If I drink beer and wine would I be considered a Hybrid?
k

ken k · Post by **ken k** » Wed Apr 18, 2007 9:58 pm

i guess beer and wine could also be considered bio fuels in this case, so I am doing my part....

LoyalTubist · Post by **LoyalTubist** » Wed Apr 18, 2007 10:07 pm

A Texas farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

_____________

Seriously, I love Texas!

LoyalTubist · Post by **LoyalTubist** » Wed Apr 18, 2007 10:33 pm

Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.

She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request, but the beautiful lady said money was no object and that she was willing to pay $50,000 for the painting.

Not wanting to get into trouble with Bobbie Sue, his wife, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Bobbie Sue.

In a few minutes he returned and told the lady he was willing to do it ... however, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.

djwesp · Post by **djwesp** » Thu Apr 19, 2007 1:52 pm

> A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished
> to see that his Bed was nicely made and everything was
> picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
>
> Propped up prominently on the pillow that was
> addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he
> opened the envelope with trembling hands and read
> the letter.
>
> Dear Dad:
> It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing
> you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I
> wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been
> finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
>
> But I knew you would not approve of her because of all
> her piercing, Tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and
> the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's
> not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said
> that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
> woods and has a stack Of firewood for the whole
> winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
>
>
> Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana
> doesn't really Hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for
> ourselves and trading it with The other people that
> live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime
> we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
> Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry
> Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
> Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that
> you can get to know your grandchildren.
> Love, Your Son John
>
> PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at
> Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there
> are worse things in life than a report card That's in
> my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's
> safe to come home.

djwesp · Post by **djwesp** » Thu Apr 19, 2007 1:53 pm

Laws Of The Natural Universe:

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to go real bad.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Bio Mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Sporting Event Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and during the most critical time in the game.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

17. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

djwesp · Post by **djwesp** » Thu Apr 19, 2007 1:56 pm

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging
two plastic
garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one
of the bags,
and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it
onto the
pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there
are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..."
'Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back
and see if I
can
still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get
all that
money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back
yard backs up
to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time
there's a game,
a
lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my
flower beds!
So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each

time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, '$20
or off it comes!'"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck!
By the way, what's in the other bag?
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Thu Apr 19, 2007 7:56 pm

I've gotta agree with Doc's post about taxes. This is so out of hand.

pulseczar · Post by **pulseczar** » Fri Apr 20, 2007 10:58 am

You might be a redneck if...

Your mother has more hair than your father.

Or you mom takes steroids.

ken k · Post by **ken k** » Sun Apr 22, 2007 3:32 pm

no pun intended.....

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He is all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* What's the definition of a will? It is a dead giveaway.
* A bicycle cannot stand alone; it is two tired.
* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* In a democracy, it is your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
viscount that votes.
* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
* If you do not pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine has been fully recovered.
* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.
* You are stuck with your debt, if you can't budge it.
* A boiled egg is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
* When you have seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she would dye.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
* Acupuncture is a jab well done.
* A lot of money is tainted. 'Tain't mine, 'tain't yours.

ken k

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Sun Apr 22, 2007 4:00 pm

The vampire wondered what time it was; then it dawned on him, and all his good intentions went up in smoke.

ken k · Post by **ken k** » Sun Apr 22, 2007 4:11 pm

A stand up comedian was working on some new material and he thought of some puns. But he thought puns are little old fashioned and was afraid no one would laugh at them.

Well, he figured he would at least give it a try, so he put 10 puns in his next show to see if they would make anyone laugh.

No pun in 10 did.....

ken k