Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

SplatterTone · Post by **SplatterTone** » Fri Oct 07, 2005 9:58 am

A surprised store clerk rushed over to a blind man who was swinging his guide dog around by the tail.
"Sir, may I help you!"
"No thanks. Just looking around."

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Fri Oct 07, 2005 10:35 am

Entry Exam For The BBC Symphony Orchestra--Viola Players

The pass mark is 10% but be careful--over 45% and you may be overqualified.

1. Who wrote the following: [5 pts.]

a) Beethoven's Symphony No. 6
b) FaurÃ©'s Requiem
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle

2. Tschaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the other five. [5 pts.]

3. Explain "counterpoint" or write your name on the reverse of the paper. [10 pts.]

4. Which of the following would you tuck under you chin? [1 pt.]

a) a timpani
b) an organ
c) a 'cello
d) a viola

5. Can you explain "sonata form"? (Answer yes or no.)
[5 pts.]

6. Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument? [5 pts.]

7. Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest first. [4 pts.]

a) Quickly
b) Slowly
c) Very Quickly
d) At a Moderate Pace

8. Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance? [5 pts.]

9. Arrange the following words into the name of a well known Puccini opera. [5 pts.]

BohÃ¨me, La

10. Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz? [5 pts.]

11. From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come? [5 pts.]

a) Venezuela
b) Sri Lanka
c) Germany
d) Japan

12. For what town were Haydn's "Paris" Symphonies written? [5 pts.]

13. Which one does not belong? [5 pts.]

a) Fantasy Overture Romeo and Juliet -- Tchaikovsky
b) Romeo and Juliet -- Berlioz
c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet -- Prokofiev
d) Ninty-nine bottles of beer on the wall -- anon.

14. Spell the following musical terms. [5 pts.]

allegro
rallentando
pizzicato
intermezzo

15. Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera? [5 pts.]

16. Arrange the following letters to form the abbreviation for a well known British broadcasting corporation. [5 pts.]

C, B, B.

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Sat Oct 08, 2005 7:35 am

Statistics say that a man is hit by a car in New York City every 30 minutes........I bet he's pretty upset by that right now.

SplatterTone · Post by **SplatterTone** » Sat Oct 08, 2005 12:36 pm

The toilets were stolen at the police station last night. Police say they have nothing to go on.

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Sat Oct 08, 2005 3:06 pm

A man stopped me on the street and said he hadn't had a bite in 3 days......so I bit him.

ba-dom-boom
thank you try the veal!

tubatooter1940 · Post by **tubatooter1940** » Mon Oct 10, 2005 3:23 am

A bum asked a jewish mother to help him out. He said,"I haven't eaten in three days." She replied,"Force yourself."

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Mon Oct 10, 2005 10:00 am

Did you hear about the blond terrorist?
When she went to blow-up her car bomb, she burnt her mouth on the tail pipe!

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Mon Oct 10, 2005 1:26 pm

Brassdad wrote:Did you hear about the blond terrorist?
When she went to blow-up her car bomb, she burnt her mouth on the tail pipe!

I've heard that joke told with just slightly different details. Still funny!

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Mon Oct 10, 2005 1:36 pm

Brassdad wrote:When she went to blow-up her car bomb, she burnt her mouth on the tail pipe!

My wife's a dyed blond, so she didn't even bend over, just tried the trunk handle...

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Mon Oct 10, 2005 5:29 pm

windshieldbug wrote:
Brassdad wrote:When she went to blow-up her car bomb, she burnt her mouth on the tail pipe!
My wife's a dyed blond, so she didn't even bend over, just tried the trunk handle...

Based upon my upbringing....I can't bring myself to comment
(but I'm dying inside...hahahaha)

ken k · Post by **ken k** » Tue Oct 11, 2005 1:26 pm

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says:
"Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and
the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few
drinks, the fifth is diminished: the G is out flat. An F comes
in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp
enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom
saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into
the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative
of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat
hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now!
You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the
next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The
bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his
company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp
tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This
proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and
everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's
under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of
contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to
10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional
facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any
wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the
contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had
tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and
everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - and
closes the bar.

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Tue Oct 11, 2005 3:35 pm

All hail ken k and his mythical story telling talents

ken k · Post by **ken k** » Tue Oct 11, 2005 10:09 pm

Brassdad wrote:All hail ken k and his mythical story telling talents

I am afraid I can not take credit for writing it. I do not know the author, I simply cut and pasted it.

It does seem like there are too many dead-beats in that bar, however. I don't know though it is hard to measure them all......

After all this is a purely theoretical situation......

Tubaryan12 · Post by **Tubaryan12** » Sun Oct 16, 2005 6:47 pm

Now this is funny http://www.kizash.com/movies/d.r.a.f.t./
or Big box mart here http://jibjab.com/Home.aspx

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Sun Oct 16, 2005 7:17 pm

Funny stuff, Ryan!

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Mon Oct 24, 2005 6:51 pm

What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?

Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

SplatterTone · Post by **SplatterTone** » Thu Oct 27, 2005 2:28 pm

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment Community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

Kevin Hendrick · Post by **Kevin Hendrick** » Thu Oct 27, 2005 2:55 pm

SplatterTone wrote:The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma
complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

D'ough!

SplatterTone wrote:Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart.

... and don't forget cousin Dill!

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Thu Oct 27, 2005 11:14 pm

Why is a viola solo like a bomb?

By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Fri Oct 28, 2005 11:15 am

Well, often bombs sound better, and even terrorists have sympathizers...