Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[LoyalTubist]

After a long night of making love, he notices a framed photo of another man on the nightstand by her bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!" she answers.

"Well, who in the heck is he then?" he demands.

"That's me, before surgery."

[windshieldbug]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board Principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been trying to find for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2 X 4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2" x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm Howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes electricity produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads, and then blows the breaker.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts close to the object we are trying to hit.

NAIL: A flat topped round piece of steel used as an aiming point while hammering one's thumb, or one of those expensive parts mentioned above.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT!" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

C'mon Doc, try to stay with us!

[KevinMadden]

weren't the tool jokes also in their very own thread not too long agoas well?

[SplatterTone]

Hallmark cards that didn't make it...

I always wanted to have
someone to hold, someone
to love. And now that
you’ve come into my life…
(Inside card) - I’ve changed
my mind.
-------
As the days go by, I think
how lucky I am… (Inside
card) - That you’re not here
to ruin it for me.
------
I’m so miserable without
you… (Inside card) - It’s
almost like you’re still here.
------
Looking back over the years
we’ve been together, I can’t
help but wonder… (Inside
card) - What was I thinking?

[LoyalTubist]

weren't the tool jokes also in their very own thread not too long agoas well?

YOU NOW KNOW OUR SECRET!

THERE ARE ONLY SIX JOKES IN THE WHOLE WORLD AND ALL WE HAVE BEEN DOING IS REPEATING THEM!

[windshieldbug]

A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to one of his managed care reviewers. The next morning, the president asked the reviewer how he had enjoyed it, and he was handed a memorandum, which read as follows:

MEMORANDUM

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff in this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done, it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

5. This symphony has two movements. If Schubert did not achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, his symphony would probably have been finished by now.

[LoyalTubist]

A man had car trouble. He pulled off to the side of the street, got out, opened the hood, and stared at his engine.

A noisy drunk came walking by and noticed the poor motorist:

"Washta matter?"

"Piston broke..."

"Oh, really! Me too!"

[scouterbill]

blown a sea

make that a seal

[LoyalTubist]

[Kevin Hendrick]

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
"What the heck happened?"

Yup ...

[JB]

True Love.

It was the happiest day of my life. Arrived at church, husband waiting at the altar. Walked up the aisle. Kissed him on the cheek, smiled........






and closed the f***ing lid....

[tubaguy9]

A snail goes into a car dealership. He finds a gorgeous car, that is a BMW sports car, for near half-a-million dollars.
From there, he found a dealer, and test drove it, and every thing. So, he was ready to buy it. When he got to dealing with the dealership about the car, he asked them to paint a humongous "S" on both sides of the car.
The dealer, thinking that they don't sell much of them (since they don't) says yes. Then, the dealer asks the snail why.
The snail replies:
"When people see me driving, I want to hear them say "Look at that S car go!""

[LoyalTubist]

[TubaRay]

OK. I'll take the easy one. They must have a really sharp taste.

Yes. I know that's bad. But easy.

[djwesp]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop....
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come
take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage:
'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to wherethe mechanic was
working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked: 'So
Doc,look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any
damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just
like new.
So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the
really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the
same work?

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic...'Try doing it with the engine running.'

[windshieldbug]

As I've matured, I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.



All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

[djwesp]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life
span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about
only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this,
I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's
a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.


On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,
have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.


On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

God said: OK, as you wish!

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[windshieldbug]

How To Drive In New Jersey
-------------------------
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is New-erk not New-ark ; Tre-uhn not Tren-ton.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered "Wussy."

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second.

However, in Monmouth, Morris and Essex counties, urban assault vehicles (SUV's) and cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more
exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer, road kill, and other Garden Staters feeding on any of these items.

9. Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

[Brassdad]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and
he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking
Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ... The United States Marine Corps... You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs."
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger.
So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a
batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner
what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?"?

"Because he's a liar! He never did any of that ****. He
was in the Navy!"

[MaryAnn]

>A young child returned from his first music lesson on the tuba.
> "How did it go?" asked his father.
>
> "Great," said the child. "I learned how to play a 'C'."
>
> The next week the child took another lesson and his father asked about
>the lesson.
>
> "Terrific," said the child. "I learned how to play a 'G'."
> The following week the child didn't come home. The father was frantic
>with worry when the child didn't come home until 2:00 AM.
>
> "Where in hell have you been ," screamed the father.
> "I had a gig!!" answered the son.