Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[ken k]

may have already posted this, but it is worth repeating....

Subject: Retirement Planning

Retirement Planning

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

[Steve Inman]

Hooray, Beer!

[iiipopes]

Natural Selection in employment....

I like it. So true, so true....

[windshieldbug]

so...

When the thread tabs 100K hits, I recommend a TNFJ convention...perhaps...approximately...

HERE:

(although having been stocked with conductors, the reply count may drop precipitously... )

[Steve Inman]

So a duck walks into a bar ....

"Got any duck food?" he asks the bartender.

"Uh ... no." he replies. And the duck walks out.


(to be continued ....)

[Steve Inman]

The next day, about the same time in the afternoon, the duck walks back into the bar.

"Got any duck food?" he asks again?


Becoming a bit annoyed, the bartender replies rather shortly, "No, we do NOT!".

"Well, okay, then," replies the duck, and walks out.



(to be continued ....)

[Steve Inman]

Same time the next day, in walks the duck.

"Got any duck food?" he asks again.

By now, the bartender is quite irritated at this daily interruption.

"NO!! This is a bar. We have beer. We have sandwiches. We do not have any DUCK food. We did not have any duck food yesterday. We do not have any duck food today."

"AND ... if you come in here tomorrow asking about duck food, I'm gonna nail your little webbed feet to the bar!"

"FINE!" says the duck, and stomps out.


(to be continued ....)

[Steve Inman]

The next day, right on cue, in walks the duck.


"Got any nails?" he asks.

"No, I don't," replies the bartender, somewhat surprised by the question.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any duck food?"

[oldbandnerd]

Sometimes life just sucks

<img src="http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y23/jt ... eaver1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></
<a><img src="http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y23/jt ... trees1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a>

<a><img src="http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y23/jt ... ngine1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a>
<a><img src="http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y23/jt ... chair1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a>
<a><img src="http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y23/jt ... _dart1.jpg" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a>

Go to http://www.rofl.name/owned/ for more pictures like this .

[Brassdad]

A Marine Master Sergeant and an Air Force General were getting shaves in a barbershop.
As the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces, the General shouts, "Hey, don't put that crap on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" Whereupon the Master Sergeant turns to his barber and says, "Go ahead and put it on me, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

[Brassdad]

Rules of Combat

USMC
1. Bring a weapon. Preferably, bring at least two. Bring all of your friends who have weapons. Bring their friends who have weapons.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
3. Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a near miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough, nor using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a big weapon and a friend with a big weapon.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon.
10. Use a weapon that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
11. Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
12. In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
13. Have a plan.
14. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
15. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of YOUR weapon.
16. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
17. Don't drop your guard.
18. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
19. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
20. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
21. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
23. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
24. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
25. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a ".4."

Army
1. See USMC Rules for combat
2. Add 60 to 90 days
3. Hope the Marines already destroyed all meaningful resistance

Navy
1. Spend three weeks getting somewhere
2. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture
3. Send in the Marines
4. Drink Coffee
5. Bring back the Marines

Air Force
1. Kiss the spouse good-bye
2. Drive to the flight line
3. Fly to target area, drop bombs, fly back.
4. Pop in at the club for a couple with the guys
5. Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer

[Brassdad]

man that's kinda depressing.....

not to Marines.

[djwesp]

Is this one a repeat?




> >A redneck family from the hills was visiting the
> >city and they were in a mall for the first time in
> >their lives. The father and son were strolling around
> >while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
> >everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
> >silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together
> again.
> >The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"
> >
> >The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
> >
> >
> >"Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in
> >my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
> >While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
> >lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
> button.
> >The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
> The
> >walls closed and the boy and his father
> >watched the small circular number above the walls light up
> sequentially.
> >
> >They continued to watch until it reached the last number \
> >
> >and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
> >
> >Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous
> >
> >24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
> >
> >The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

> >"Boy..................go git cha Momma...............

[LoyalTubist]

A rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.

A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home?" the rancher asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well" said the rancher, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really want to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

[Brassdad]

Are you a Liberal, onservative or Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

..................................................................

Liberal's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
What does the law say about this situation?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

.................................................................


Conservatives's Answer:


BANG!

................................................................


Southerner's Answer: *

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.....

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: Can I shoot the next one!

Wife: You Ain't Taking That To The Taxidermist!

[circusboy]

I don't think that's quite it.

LIBERAL

Shoots the knife out of his hand, wrestles him to the ground, and holds him until the police arrive.

CONSERVATIVE

Fires at him several times, missing each time. The knife-wielder runs away, to be seen only in future YouTube posts. The conservative then invades a country that has no relation to the man and kills thousands of men, women and children.

SOUTHERNER

Well, that one I think you got right, elephant.

[Rick F]

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4 Puffy Mid-Section
5 People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect

My wife say it stands for: "Puttinup with Men's Sh|t

[LoyalTubist]

About 190 years ago, the French Army and the British Army were at battle with each other.

"Sir," a newly graduated lieutenant asked a seasoned colonel, "why do the British soldiers wear red coats?"

"It's so when one gets shot, the other soldiers around him won't quit fighting."

"Oh, it's the same reason why we wear brown trousers!"

[LoyalTubist]

Seriously, I often tell people that my ex-wife and I were divorced after 40 years of marriage

"But, Bill," you say, "you were only 48 years old when it happened."

She was married 20 years and I was married 20 years. So, together we were married for 40 years.

[windshieldbug]

This is your spider.
This is your spider on drugs.
Any questions?