Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository
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Be kind. No government, state, or local politics allowed. Admin has final decision for any/all removed posts.
Be kind. No government, state, or local politics allowed. Admin has final decision for any/all removed posts.
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LoyalTubist
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windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
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windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
- Posts: 11513
- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:41 pm
- Location: 8vb
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. they are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, too." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. they are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, too." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
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LoyalTubist
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windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
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- Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2005 4:41 pm
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US Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency Washington, DC (AP) -- Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of August 1, 2007. The move is being made in order to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 trillion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years. "We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the office of President as of August 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open.
"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President. A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all.
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical or successful work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-M art was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands.
Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the office of President as of August 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open.
"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President. A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all.
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical or successful work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-M art was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands.
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
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ken k
- 6 valves
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- Location: out standing in my field....
this may already have been posted but I will post it again anyway....
Two tuba players walk past a bar......
well theoretically it could happen.....
ken k
on a similar note....
A dyslexic walked into a bra.....
a sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender said , I'm sorry but we don't serve food here.....
two antennaes got married. the wedding ceremony wasn't much but the reception was incredible.
i'd better stop now....
k
k
Two tuba players walk past a bar......
well theoretically it could happen.....
ken k
on a similar note....
A dyslexic walked into a bra.....
a sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender said , I'm sorry but we don't serve food here.....
two antennaes got married. the wedding ceremony wasn't much but the reception was incredible.
i'd better stop now....
k
k
B&H imperial E flat tuba
Mirafone 187 BBb
1919 Pan American BBb Helicon
1924 Buescher BBb tuba (Dr. Suessaphone)
2009 Mazda Miata
1996 Honda Pacific Coast PC800
Mirafone 187 BBb
1919 Pan American BBb Helicon
1924 Buescher BBb tuba (Dr. Suessaphone)
2009 Mazda Miata
1996 Honda Pacific Coast PC800
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big_blue_tubist
- bugler
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- Location: A town you haven't heard of, IN
Ole was walking home late at night, through the park, and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars," she whispers. Ole had never been with a hooker before but decides, as it's only twenty bucks, he can't afford to miss out. So they go into the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them -- it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife, Lena," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop. "I didn't know."
"Well," says Ole, "I didn't either, until you shined that light in her face."
"Twenty dollars," she whispers. Ole had never been with a hooker before but decides, as it's only twenty bucks, he can't afford to miss out. So they go into the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them -- it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife, Lena," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop. "I didn't know."
"Well," says Ole, "I didn't either, until you shined that light in her face."
Franken-King 1241
Giddings Taku
Giddings Taku
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big_blue_tubist
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It may be a version of a joke that has been told here, but still...
An old man is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."
An old man is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" "Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."
Franken-King 1241
Giddings Taku
Giddings Taku
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big_blue_tubist
- bugler
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- Location: A town you haven't heard of, IN
Wow, I just keep finding these things, and I can't help it..
A blond in her early 20's takes her car to the shop to get some body work done. When she pulls up to the shop she is greeted by a mechanic. "How can I be of service", said the mechanic.
The blond replied, "Well as you can see I've got a pretty good amount of dents and dings I would like fixed."
The mechanic looked over the car noticing over hundreds of dings all over the car. The mechanic said to the blond that she could fix the car herself for cheap. He proceeded to tell her that all they do is take an air hose, stick it up the tail pipe, let the air blow up the pipe, and it pops all the dents out. She thanked him for all his help and jumped back in her car and drove home. At home she ran in the garage and grabbed the air hose. Took the air hose, shoved it into the tail pipe of her car and let it blow! Nothing! Thinking to herself that maybe the car was still kind of warm, she waited another five minutes and tried again. At the same time her neighbor, a girl in her late 20's early 30's, noticed her neighbor attempting to fix her car. The neighbor walked out her side door and over to the blonds garage.
The neighbor asked the blond, "What are you doing?" The blond explained that earlier that day she went to the shop to have her car repaired. The mechanic told her that if she blew air into the tail pipe that the dents would pop themselves out. Plus save her a lot of money.
"You Idiot!", the neighbor exclaimed shaking her head. "You have to roll the windows up first!"
Oh, and Bob... I think she'd laugh at it
A blond in her early 20's takes her car to the shop to get some body work done. When she pulls up to the shop she is greeted by a mechanic. "How can I be of service", said the mechanic.
The blond replied, "Well as you can see I've got a pretty good amount of dents and dings I would like fixed."
The mechanic looked over the car noticing over hundreds of dings all over the car. The mechanic said to the blond that she could fix the car herself for cheap. He proceeded to tell her that all they do is take an air hose, stick it up the tail pipe, let the air blow up the pipe, and it pops all the dents out. She thanked him for all his help and jumped back in her car and drove home. At home she ran in the garage and grabbed the air hose. Took the air hose, shoved it into the tail pipe of her car and let it blow! Nothing! Thinking to herself that maybe the car was still kind of warm, she waited another five minutes and tried again. At the same time her neighbor, a girl in her late 20's early 30's, noticed her neighbor attempting to fix her car. The neighbor walked out her side door and over to the blonds garage.
The neighbor asked the blond, "What are you doing?" The blond explained that earlier that day she went to the shop to have her car repaired. The mechanic told her that if she blew air into the tail pipe that the dents would pop themselves out. Plus save her a lot of money.
"You Idiot!", the neighbor exclaimed shaking her head. "You have to roll the windows up first!"
Oh, and Bob... I think she'd laugh at it
Franken-King 1241
Giddings Taku
Giddings Taku
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big_blue_tubist
- bugler
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TubaRay
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big_blue_tubist
- bugler
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- Location: A town you haven't heard of, IN
Since it seems like my comment killed the thread, I'll offer this... 
A couple had a baby who unfortunately was born without a body, only a head. They decided to make the best of a bad situation and lovingly raised their son who they named Ed. The couple spent a fortune on specialists trying to correct Ed's condition, all to no avail. Finally Ed turned 21 and the couple decided to leave him home and go to Europe for a much needed vacation. While in Europe, they heard of a doctor in Switzerland who had done amazing things in curing people with Ed's condition. On the chance that the doctor could help, they went to see him and he agreed that, yes, he could help Ed. Elated, the couple took the next flight home and ran into the house yelling, "Ed! We're home early and we have the most wonderful surprise for you!" "Oh, no!" cried Ed. "Not another hat!"
A couple had a baby who unfortunately was born without a body, only a head. They decided to make the best of a bad situation and lovingly raised their son who they named Ed. The couple spent a fortune on specialists trying to correct Ed's condition, all to no avail. Finally Ed turned 21 and the couple decided to leave him home and go to Europe for a much needed vacation. While in Europe, they heard of a doctor in Switzerland who had done amazing things in curing people with Ed's condition. On the chance that the doctor could help, they went to see him and he agreed that, yes, he could help Ed. Elated, the couple took the next flight home and ran into the house yelling, "Ed! We're home early and we have the most wonderful surprise for you!" "Oh, no!" cried Ed. "Not another hat!"
Franken-King 1241
Giddings Taku
Giddings Taku
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windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
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EuphDad
- bugler
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It's with some trepitdation that I finish the story... apologies in advance for lack of good taste and humor.
Ed's parents came home and told him the good news. They immediately booked a flight to Switzerland. The medical procedure was a tremendous success and Ed came home as a fully grown adult male.
His first day home he got so excited that he ran out of the house and got hit by a car. He was instantly killed.
The morale of the story?????
Quit while you're ahead!
Ed's parents came home and told him the good news. They immediately booked a flight to Switzerland. The medical procedure was a tremendous success and Ed came home as a fully grown adult male.
His first day home he got so excited that he ran out of the house and got hit by a car. He was instantly killed.
The morale of the story?????
Quit while you're ahead!
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TMurphy
- 4 valves
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- Location: NJ
That joke was definitely stolen from the Simpsons (Grampa says that to Lisa, after they explain they were using his name to write Itchy and Scratchy cartoons.)Doc wrote:Without any paperwork, Grandpa started getting a $500 check every month. So Grandpa and Grandma started cashing them.
It turns out the government made a mistake with the address; the checks were intended for another person with the exact same name.
Grandpa then received a notice that he had to pay back $6,000. Visibly upset, he complained to his grandson, an accountant.
His grandson asked: "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?"
Grandpa answered: "I just assumed the Democrats were back in power.
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TMurphy
- 4 valves
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No complaints, trust me! I just recognized it, and figured I'd point out the origin of the (pretty good) joke.Doc wrote:I don't question the truth, I just report it.TMurphy wrote:That joke was definitely stolen from the Simpsons (Grampa says that to Lisa, after they explain they were using his name to write Itchy and Scratchy cartoons.)Doc wrote:Without any paperwork, Grandpa started getting a $500 check every month. So Grandpa and Grandma started cashing them.
It turns out the government made a mistake with the address; the checks were intended for another person with the exact same name.
Grandpa then received a notice that he had to pay back $6,000. Visibly upset, he complained to his grandson, an accountant.
His grandson asked: "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?"
Grandpa answered: "I just assumed the Democrats were back in power.
Doc (who gets this **** as email)
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windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
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Grandpa answered: "Hey- I just started the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth and I thought I was being rewarded for my trouble... you know, I was in that damn Vienna War!"Doc wrote:Without any paperwork, Grandpa started getting a $500 check every month. So Grandpa and Grandma started cashing them.
It turns out the government made a mistake with the address; the checks were intended for another person with the exact same name.
Grandpa then received a notice that he had to pay back $6,000. Visibly upset, he complained to his grandson, an accountant.
His grandson asked: "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?"
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
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TubaRay
- 6 valves
- Posts: 4109
- Joined: Mon Mar 22, 2004 4:24 pm
- Location: San Antonio, Texas
- Contact:
Friday's Funny
RED ALERT!!! This post has come entirely too close to being the truth to qualify for the "Friday's Funny" category. This category should be reserved for humor.windshieldbug wrote:Grandpa answered: "Hey- I just started the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth and I thought I was being rewarded for my trouble... you know, I was in that damn Vienna War!"Doc wrote:Without any paperwork, Grandpa started getting a $500 check every month. So Grandpa and Grandma started cashing them.
It turns out the government made a mistake with the address; the checks were intended for another person with the exact same name.
Grandpa then received a notice that he had to pay back $6,000. Visibly upset, he complained to his grandson, an accountant.
His grandson asked: "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?"
Ray Grim
The TubaMeisters
San Antonio, Tx.
The TubaMeisters
San Antonio, Tx.
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windshieldbug
- Once got the "hand" as a cue
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LoyalTubist
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- Joined: Sun Jan 29, 2006 8:49 pm
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A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden on their Wyoming ranch. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those 2 spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating" her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs" her father replied.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied, "No dear, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat into the ground and said:
"We are not having any of that Brokeback Mountain crap in our garden!"
"Daddy, what are those 2 spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating" her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs" her father replied.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied, "No dear, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat into the ground and said:
"We are not having any of that Brokeback Mountain crap in our garden!"
________________________________________________________
You only have one chance to make a first impression. Don't blow it.
You only have one chance to make a first impression. Don't blow it.