Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[Brassdad]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they
do to make their days interesting. Well, for example,
the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I
was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came
out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I
went up to him and said, Come on, man, how about
giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and
continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating
Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on
the windshield with the first. Then he started writing
a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The
more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus,
and the car that he was putting the tickets on ha d a
bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm
retired. It's important to my health.

[LoyalTubist]

When I was growing up, my dad used to think it was funny to fiddle with his keys in the parking lot of a big store, making those looking for a parking place follow him... even though he was parked a half mile away!

[windshieldbug]

To: All Commands

Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts

Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K

All commanders promulgate upon receipt.

The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

1. "Eat Pork or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]

a.. "Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

b.. "Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions]

c.. "Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more."
[Both English and Arabic versions]

d.. "The road to Paradise begins with me."
[Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]

e.. "Guns don't kill people. I kill people"
[Both Arabic and English versions]

f.. "Pork. The other white meat." [Arabic version]

g.. "Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.

In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:

a.. "Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily."

b.. "Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"

All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.

[LoyalTubist]

This is for real. I just came back from the local supermarket and was browsing at items in the diabetic foods aisle (out of curiosity). One jar of artificial sweetener (from France) bore this warning:

For U.K. Residents Only: This sweetener will not cause you to lose weight unless its use is accompanied by a smart diet and adequate exercise. Diabetics may only use this sweetener if a physician has been consulted and he/she approves of the use of it.

Since I live in Vietnam, does that mean I can use this to lose weight?

Something for Mythbusters!!!

[windshieldbug]

For U.K. Residents Only: This sweetener will not cause you to lose weight unless its use is accompanied by a smart diet and adequate exercise. Diabetics may only use this sweetener if a physician has been consulted and he/she approves of the use of it.

Since I live in Vietnam, does that mean I can use this to lose weight?

No, it means that the British want fatter Frenchpersons...

[Rick F]

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics for Northwest Airlines in Fargo, ND. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"

Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear you can drink dat dar yet fuel an get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"

Sven says, "I feel great, too".

"Ya don't have no hangover?"

Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often!"

Sven agreed. "Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun thing."

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

Ole stopped to think. "No "

"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm callin' from Grand Forks."

[Brassdad]

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Tony, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."

[Brassdad]

Two men were drinking in a bar when the first notices the ring on the seconds' middle finger.

"Hey buddy, that looks like a wedding ring."

"It is a wedding ring." replies his drinking companion.

"Well," says the first man, "You've got it on the wrong finger."

"That's 'cause I married the wrong woman."

[windshieldbug]

"That's 'cause I married the wrong woman."

Took ME twice to get it right...

[chipster55]

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions...

Outstanding !! Best laugh I've had good while.

[Dean E]

Did you hear about the dyslectic agnostic with insomnia?

He used to lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

That's terrible. Did you know that that joke drove a suicidal dislexic over the edge.....He threw himself behind a train....

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

A: He walks around saying "Yo."

[Brassdad]

Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.

OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are....



First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?









Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.

Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?







Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?










Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30. Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000.
Now add 10 . What is the total?



Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....Maybe.



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?







Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!



Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?










He just has to open his mouth and ask...t's really simple...... Like you!

[windshieldbug]

Is there a new math I'm not aware of?

YOU'VE never heard of IRS math!?

[TubaRay]

OK, Bob. Thanks for sharing. Barf!!!

[windshieldbug]

I enter my official TNFJ opinion that it was NOT funny,

but I'll bet you feel a lot better for getting that off your chest

Maybe Sean needs a "Rant" board

[TubaRay]

Thanks again, Bob.

[EuphDad]

GOOD...
In Richardson Texas a State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the north end of the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!" The officer later found a young accomplice down the south end of the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!!)

BETTER...
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano , Texas . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs. The man paid his ticket.

BEST...
A young woman was pulled over in Austin , Texas for speeding. As the Texas State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Trooper's Ball." He rep lied, " Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in the patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

[tubatooter1940]

Now that's the real deal.

[tubatooter1940]

Two guys were out hunting and one accidently shot the other.
At the hospital the hunter asked the doctor how his friend was doing.
"Not too good."replied the doctor. "It would have been better if you hadn't gutted him before you brought him in."

http://www.myspace.com/johnrenomusic

[windshieldbug]

Two guys were out hunting and one accidently shot the other.
At the hospital the hunter asked the doctor how his friend was doing.
"Not too good."replied the doctor. "It would have been better if you hadn't gutted him before you brought him in."

But how else was I gunna strap him to the hood!?