Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

TMurphy · Post by **TMurphy** » Mon Sep 10, 2007 5:14 pm

Greg wrote:A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?" The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car.

While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!"

I heard this same joke years ago, only it was told as a "true" story having occured...the hunters involved being Billy Martin and Mickey Mantle.

While probably not true, I still like to think it is.

tubatooter1940 · Post by **tubatooter1940** » Wed Sep 12, 2007 9:56 am

A cannibal complained to the witch doctor about his indigestion recently.
The witch doctor asked him what he had been eating.
The cannibal replied, "Oh, the usual stuff. I ate a missionary the other day."
The witch doctor asked what the missionary looked like and how was he cooked.
The cannibal said the missionary had on a brown robe and had a bald spot on the back of his head and that he boiled him up in the old family pot as he usually did when he cooked missionaries.
"I see the problem." the witch doctor said. "You boiled him and he was a friar."
*********************

Two cannibals were enjoying dinner together whan one of them stated, " I hate my mother-in-law. I just hate her."
The other cannibal said, "In that case, why don't you just eat the vegatables."

*********************
Two cannibals caught a missionary to eat but they had no knife.
They decided to cook him and one cannibal would start eating at the head and the other start eating at the feet and they would meet in the middle.
The one eating at the head was having a great time chomping away and hollered down at his buddy, "How're you doing down there, pal?"
The one at the feet said, "Great, I'm having a ball."
The first cannibal said, "You're eating too fast."

OldsRecording · Post by **OldsRecording** » Wed Sep 12, 2007 2:21 pm

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One looks at the other one and says: "Does this taste funny to you?"

(cue) 'A Little Priest' from Sweeny Todd

djwesp · Post by **djwesp** » Wed Sep 12, 2007 8:56 pm

Confuscius Says (probably a repeat)

Virginity like bubble, one @@@@@, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

ken k · Post by **ken k** » Fri Sep 14, 2007 11:46 am

what is the difference between a rock musician and a jazz musician?

The rock musician plays three chords in front of 1000 people.......

the jazz musician plays 1000 chords in front of 3 people.

k

Doug@GT · Post by **Doug@GT** » Fri Sep 14, 2007 12:48 pm

Greg wrote:Ok flame me. I deserve it.

Bob Hope was fair and balanced, though. Take this bit from "Road to Morocco"

HOPE: I hope she didn't hear that. The dead have a way of coming back you know.
CROSBY: Get out, when they're dead they're dead.
HOPE: Not Aunt Lucy, she was a Republican.

OldsRecording · Post by **OldsRecording** » Fri Sep 14, 2007 7:33 pm

How can you tell if a drummer is at the door?
The knocking keeps getting faster and he doesn't know when to come in.

How do you get a bass player off your doorstep?
Pay for the pizza.

OldsRecording · Post by **OldsRecording** » Fri Sep 14, 2007 7:40 pm

A guy walks into a bar, and notices the piano player has a pet monkey with him. He orders a drink, sits down, and a few minutes later he has to go to the bathroom. So, he goes, comes back and sees the monkey squatting in his drink. "Hey, pianoman!" he says, "You know your monkey is squatting in my martini?" And the piano player replies "No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it!"

tubatooter1940 · Post by **tubatooter1940** » Fri Sep 21, 2007 11:28 am

I like to combine the joke Greg just told with a continuation after the punch line "I couldn't get hold of you yesterday."
The man ran into his house and told his wife the bad news. He then got on the phone and called his banker, his lawyer, his insurance agent and his business partner.
He finally hung up the phone and told his wife that he had made all necessary arrangements and that she would recieve all the benefits due to her. She asked him what he wanted to do with his last few hours.
He said, I thought it would be nice if we could lay together and you could love me and hold me until the end."
She replied, "Thats okay for YOU. YOU don't have to get up in the morning."

OldsRecording · Post by **OldsRecording** » Fri Sep 21, 2007 7:12 pm

This world traveler gets home from a wild couple of weeks in Thailand. A couple of days later he is very alarmed to discover that his penis is covered with boils, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor examines him, makes some phone calls, consults the internet, and gives him the bad news: "I'm afraid you have a bad case of Mongolian Herpes. I'm sorry, but your penis will have to be amputated." When the man calms down sufficiently, he informs the doctor he wants a second opinion, and leaves. He then finds an old Chinese doctor, figuring he might have greater knowlege of this strange and horrible disease. So, he explains the scenario to the Chinese doctor, who then examines him. "Ah, yes. Mongolian Herpes. Very rare in this country." "So, doc, what's the deal? Does my penis really need to be amputated?" "Oh, no, absolutely not. Silly American doctors. Always want to operate and make more money." "Whew! What a relief!" the man replied. "Yeah, don't worry about your penis," said the doctor, "it should fall off by itself in about two weeks!"

SplatterTone · Post by **SplatterTone** » Mon Sep 24, 2007 11:32 pm

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Tue Sep 25, 2007 8:16 am

SplatterTone wrote:

If that was all it was, most of us would have more money in our pockets.

SplatterTone · Post by **SplatterTone** » Tue Sep 25, 2007 9:41 pm

Somebody let the dog have the keys to the car again.

OldsRecording · Post by **OldsRecording** » Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:01 pm

Greg wrote:

He dosen't eat much and he's already been neutered...

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:21 pm

OldsRecording wrote:
Greg wrote:
He dosen't eat much and he's already been neutered...

But, has it been wormed!?

OldsRecording · Post by **OldsRecording** » Sun Sep 30, 2007 9:22 am

windshieldbug wrote:
OldsRecording wrote:
Greg wrote:
He dosen't eat much and he's already been neutered...
But, has it been wormed!?

He was, but now, not so much.

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Sun Sep 30, 2007 11:56 am

OldsRecording · Post by **OldsRecording** » Tue Oct 02, 2007 5:40 pm

bloke wrote:Speaking of things that are no longer animate...

Here's the perfect marriage!

What did Ron Goldman say to Nichole Simpson at the Pearly Gates?

"Here are your friggin' glasses!"

MaryAnn · Post by **MaryAnn** » Sat Oct 06, 2007 1:35 pm

One week after moving into his 1st apartment, Ed called his mother
to complain about his neighbors: "One woman cries all day, another lies in bed moaning, and then there's the guy that keeps banging his head against the wall."

"You better keep away from them," she said.

"I am. I stay inside all day playing my tuba."

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:00 pm

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by
a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter
than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York
and is certain that he has a better education then
any cop from Corbin , Kentucky.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some
fun at the Kentucky deputy's expense.

The deputy says," License and registration,
Please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop
At the stop sign." *

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was
Coming.

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the
deputy.

License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete
stop, that's the law.

License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal
difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you
my license and registration; and you give me the
ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,"
the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick
and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and
says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?