Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Mon Oct 08, 2007 11:01 pm

A little American Indian boy asked his father, the big

chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it

that we always have long names, while the white men

have shorter names like Bill, Tex or Sam?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a

symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the

white men, who live all together and repeat their

names from generation to generation. Also, it is part

of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon

Over The Lake, because on the night she was born,

there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the

Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big

white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world

appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity

to live and the life force of our people. It's very

simple and easy to understand.

Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom

Made in China?

OldsRecording · Post by **OldsRecording** » Tue Oct 09, 2007 2:17 pm

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a beer. He drinks it and orders another one, drinks that one, too. The bartender asks him "So, Monseur Descartes, another beer for you then?". Monseur Descartes replied "I think not.", and suddenly he vanished.

EuphDad · Post by **EuphDad** » Tue Oct 09, 2007 7:27 pm

In "honor" of the recent break-in at the Musee D"Orsay in Paris and the vandalism to a Monet painting, I'm reminded of this
old joke....

Thieves broke into the Louvre in Paris to steal a Renoir painting.
They managed to remove the painting and drive away. But the
French gendarmes caught them a few blocks from the museum
when their getaway vehicle ran out of petrol. The reason?

They didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the VanGogh!

Cheers!

Euphdad

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Wed Oct 10, 2007 12:03 am

OldsRecording wrote:Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a beer. He drinks it and orders another one, drinks that one, too. The bartender asks him "So, Monseur Descartes, another beer for you then?". Monseur Descartes replied "I think not.", and suddenly he vanished.

"I drink, therefore, I am..."

OldsRecording · Post by **OldsRecording** » Wed Oct 10, 2007 3:05 pm

windshieldbug wrote:
OldsRecording wrote:Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a beer. He drinks it and orders another one, drinks that one, too. The bartender asks him "So, Monseur Descartes, another beer for you then?". Monseur Descartes replied "I think not.", and suddenly he vanished.
"I drink, therefore, I am..."

As in:

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable;
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozey beggar who could drink you under the table;
David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Heigel,
and Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Shlegel.
There's nothing Neitsze couldn't teach ye about the raisin' of the wrist;
Socrates, himself was permanently pissed;
John Stuart Mill, by his own free will, half a bottle shandy was particularly ill;
Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day;
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle;
Hobbes was fond of his dram;
Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:"I drink, therefore I am."
Yes, Socrates himself is paticularly missed;
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed!

G'night ladies and Bruces!

OldsRecording · Post by **OldsRecording** » Wed Oct 17, 2007 7:42 pm

You know you're in a really bad hospital when, just as you're losing conciousness, you hear the surgeon saying "Oh, man, I am SO baked!".

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Sat Oct 20, 2007 6:51 pm

Doc, Doc, come back Doc!

Rick F · Post by **Rick F** » Sat Oct 20, 2007 7:45 pm

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!."

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor....

"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

OldsRecording · Post by **OldsRecording** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 1:32 pm

An Appalachan-American gentleman (possibly from the back woods of Lechter County, Kentucky) hears an awful commotion in the woods. He arrives to see his wife in a terrible struggle with a huge black bear. His son arrives on the scene as well and yells "Pa! Ain't you gonna do something?" The Appalachan-American gentleman calmly sits down on a tree stump, lights his corncob pipe, and says "I do declare, this is the first fight I've ever seen where I don't give a damn who wins!".

tubeast · Post by **tubeast** » Mon Oct 22, 2007 8:40 am

A group of cannibals is hired to work at an assembly line.
On their first day, the staff executive gives them a factory tour to show them around.
"You can work here and make good money. Considering your -errm- cultural background
weÂ´ll issue you a free-meal-pass for use at the canteen, but youÂ´ll have to promise to leave the workers alone!"
-To which the group agrees.

Four weeks later theyÂ´re called to the staff executiveÂ´s office.
"YouÂ´ve been doing great work, so IÂ´m glad to offer you a raise in payment.
By the way, thereÂ´s a janitor missing. You people donÂ´t happen to know anything about it ?"
The cannibals swear they werenÂ´t involved in this, but their chief cannot but notice one of them getting nervous in the process.
On their way back to work, he pulls the guy aside. "Did you eat that janitor ?" Blushing to a deep red, the cannibal admits.
Steaming with anger, the chief calls in a group meeting.
"All this time weÂ´ve been feasting on managing directors, consultants, quality managers and controlers.
TheyÂ´d never have found out, but Mr Wiseguy here just HAD TO go out and eat somebody IMPORTANT !!"

iiipopes · Post by **iiipopes** » Wed Oct 31, 2007 7:10 pm

OK. Here's your Halloween joke:

A man is walking homeÂ alone late one foggy night...Â

when behind him he hears:

Bump...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog, he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP..

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

AND

Â
The coffin stops.

Happy Halloween!

Â

OldsRecording · Post by **OldsRecording** » Thu Nov 01, 2007 2:53 pm

A truck driver waa transporting a load of penguins to the zoo. Suddenly, a few miles from the zoo, the truck breaks down. Being as it was an especially hot day, he realized he needed to get those penguins to their destination, or they'd die. He flags down an old pickup truck, driven, as fate would have it, by a certan Appalachan-American gentleman. He explains to the man that the penguins need to be brought straight to the zoo, and gives him $200 for his trouble. Several hours later, after the truck had been towed to the garage and repaired, the truck driver is heading back down the street towards home, and he notices he's following the same old pickup truck, and the penguins were still in the back. Dumbfounded, he honks the horn, flashes his lights, and the driver pulls over. Angrily, he runs to the driver of the pickup and yells, "I gave you 200 bucks to bring those penguins to the zoo! Why didn't you do it?". And the pickup driver answered "No need to be rude. I brung them peng'ins right to the zoo just like you asked" "So why do you still have them?" replied the truck driver. "Well, sir, I'll have you know, they didn't charge me nothin' to take them peng'ins to the zoo, so I thought I'd take 'em to a movie!"

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Fri Nov 09, 2007 9:48 am

Funny stuff, Bloke!

OldsRecording · Post by **OldsRecording** » Fri Nov 09, 2007 2:44 pm

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

OldsRecording · Post by **OldsRecording** » Mon Nov 12, 2007 3:44 pm

A lawyer, 57 years old and in perfect health, suddenly drops dead. He arrives at the Pearly Gates, and is noticably upset with St. Peter. "I don't get it. I was only 57, and I was the very picture of health! What happened?" St. Peter looks at his book, looks back up at the lawyer and says "57, huh? Well, according to your time sheets you're 101!"

OldsRecording · Post by **OldsRecording** » Tue Nov 27, 2007 2:50 pm

I know you're out there- I can hear you breathing! (cue sound of crickets chirping)

Captain Sousie · Post by **Captain Sousie** » Tue Nov 27, 2007 2:59 pm

What is green, has red wheels, and every house has one?

jhedrick · Post by **jhedrick** » Tue Nov 27, 2007 7:57 pm

Captain Sousie wrote:What is green, has red wheels, and every house has one?

A lawn - you lied about the wheels?!?

No?

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Tue Nov 27, 2007 9:15 pm

jhedrick wrote:
Captain Sousie wrote:What is green, has red wheels, and every house has one?
A lawn - you lied about the wheels?!?

No, he lied about the houses!

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Wed Nov 28, 2007 6:07 am

A couple goes for a meal in a Chinese restaurant and they order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He didn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah! So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"

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Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

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