Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[Brassdad]

Before it starts
A man came home from work and called out to his wife, "Honey, bring me a beer before it starts."
Puzzled, she brought him a beer. Not long afterward he called her again. "Honey bring me another beer. It's going to start any minute."
She frowned and brought him another beer.
Once again he called, "Honey would you bring me one more beer before it starts?"
She glared at him and shouted, "Who do you think you are-waltzing in here without even saying hello, planting your big fat booty on that couch and yelling for beer. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash your clothes all day?

He said, "Oh crap, it's started."

[OldsRecording]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he
sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy
you meet? "

"No," she replies. . .
.
.
.
.
.
"You just happened to catch my eye"

[OldsRecording]

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car
accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all
three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put
the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes.
Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

'Well,' said the American, 'I remember the crash, and then there
was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were
standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that
we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we
could return to earth So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him
the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.'

'That's amazing!' said the one of the doctors, 'But what happened
to the other two?'

'Last I saw them,' replied the American, 'the Scot was haggling
over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay
his.'

[Brassdad]

A Texas rancher and his son were walking through town when they walked past some cowboys hanging out on the street.
The boy turned to his father and said "Hey Paw, lookit them bowlegged cowboys."
The rancher turned to face his son. "Son," he said "I'll not have you using such common language. It is beneath our standing in the community." And the next day sent him back east to a boarding school for a proper education.
Four years later his son graduated and returned home. As they walked together through town, once again they encountered a group of cowboys on the street.
The son turned to his father and proclaimed "Behold, what matter of men are these who wear their knees in parentheses?"

[TubaRay]

What part of your post is supposed to be funny, tubashaman? I read it twice and was unable to find anything that was even remotely humorous to me.

[OldsRecording]

What part of your post is supposed to be funny, tubashaman? I read it twice and was unable to find anything that was even remotely humorous to me.

I guess you had to be there...

[windshieldbug]

What part of your post is supposed to be funny, tubashaman? I read it twice and was unable to find anything that was even remotely humorous to me.

I guess you had to be there...

Ah, a geography joke... !

[TubaRay]

more ironic than funny i guess

I believe you've got it, now.

Just so you know, I 'm not trying to make fun of you. I believe you understand that your post was not really a joke. We might characterize it as funny, but not the kind of funny which would cause most of us to laugh. We might sniff at it, if you know what I mean. That's about it. I will admit that the truth is often funnier than fiction.

[Brassdad]

A lawyer came home late after a particularly grueling day. He had been working on an appeal for a pardon for a prisoner on death row. After years of effort and almost 18 straight hours of intense negotiation, he was informed the governor would not pardon the prisoner and would be executed by hanging at midnight.
The lawyer cam home to his wife who was in a nasty mood and spoiling for a fight after feeling neglected by her hsuband these last few weeks.
"Well, home late as usual!" She started. "Dinner is cold and I'm not heating it up. You're on your own."
The lawyer went to the refrigerator and got a beer. "Oh, by all means just start drinking! THat's sure to help you cope with all your problems." His wife continued.
No matter where he went in the house or what he did, the lawyers wife was right behind him dolling out criticism and sarcasim in heaping amounts.
Finally, tired and dejected, the lawyer went up to the bathroom, closed the door, and soaked in a hot bath.
While he was enjoying the respite from his wife and the soothing efects of the hot water coupled with the cold beer the phone rang. His wife answered it and was asked if she would tell her husband that the governor had reconsidered and the prisoner, Jim Wright, would be pardoned in the next 15 minutes. So she went up stairs, opened the door and announced "They're not hanging Wright!"
The lawyer, facing away from the door, bent over, and drying his calves exclaimed...
"Good GOD Woman! Give it a rest!"

[TexTuba]

[OldsRecording]

I guess that's not funny.

It would be kinda funny if you said that $5 could fill up your tank!

Ah, for the old days, when you gould get 5 bucks worth of gas, and you'd be good for most of the week...

[windshieldbug]

Oh, good. The next time I'm at the doctor's, and they ask for a specimen, I can just give them that!

[The Jackson]

Two fish are in a tank and one says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

[OldsRecording]

So, this skeleton walks into a bar, says to the bartender "I'll have a beer and a mop, please!"

[Brassdad]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.

'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,
knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

"I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!
You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[OldsRecording]

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland
at
midnight.



During the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine
holding
tank is still full from the last flight.

So a message is sent to the base ops and an airman who was off duty is
called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the flight line and makes his way to the
aircraft only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left
outdoors
and is frozen solid,so he must find another one in the hangar, which
takes
even more time.

He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he
has
to do.

Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully
(and
slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your
attitude
and performance have caused this flight to be late and I'm going
to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but
punished.'

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath,
stands up
tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an
Airman in the United States Air Force.

I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and
reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me.

I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is
40
degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump **** out of an aircraft.


Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

[tubatooter1940]

Did you hear what happened to the newlyweds who couldn't tell the difference between a jar of putty and a jar of love jelly?
Their windows fell out.

[Davy]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi,
you dumb @$$. It tell me someone stolen tent."

[Brassdad]

Recently I was asked to run a marathon.

At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'

Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids.'

Then I thought........

Hey!...I could win this.......!

[tubatooter1940]

A friend told me that my hair is getting thin.
I replied, "That's O.K. Who wants fat hair?"