Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[Brassdad]

Yesterday7 I met a man on the street who told me he hadn't eaten anything for three days.
I said he should force himself.

[tubatooter1940]

Thank you Greg and DBCooper for keeping this wonderful thread rolling.

[windshieldbug]

What's the difference between steel drums and tubas?

My steel drums are not enjoying the cool breezes of the Carribean!

[The Jackson]

What's the difference between steel drums and tubas?

It's fun to hit one of them with a metal rod and the one is a steel drum?

[windshieldbug]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

[bearphonium]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen yo uin a while. What happened, you look terrible"

"What do you mean?" asked the pirate. "I feel fine."

BT: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.
Pirate: well, we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball. I'm fine now.

BT: Well, OK, but what about the hook?
Pirate: Oh, different battle. I boarded a ship, got in a bit of a sword fight. My hand was cut off, but I get on just fine now.

BT: And the eye patch??
Pirate: Oh, while we were at see, a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye.

BT: You lost your eye because of bird poop?
Pirate: It was my first day with the hook.

[tubatooter1940]

After a hurricane two crews were recruited to install new power poles.
A crew from Florida was put to work in the same area with a crew from Alabama.
At the end of the day, the foreman asked each crew how many power poles they installed that day. The Florida crew reported ten poles dug in. The crew from Alabama proudly reported "THREE"
The foreman asked why they only installed three while the Florida crew did ten.
The Alabama head man said, "Did you see how much they left sticking out of the ground?"

[windshieldbug]

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to." A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule's ***?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.

[Brassdad]

Baseball In Heaven
Two old baseball buddies with lung cancer were chatting on a park bench. Paul says, "I hope they have a baseball team in heaven." "Me too", says Jack. "Tell you what", says Paul, "If I die first, I'll give you a message about whether there is baseball in Heaven. If you die first, you can do the same for me." A year later, Paul is dead and Jack is sitting on the park bench when he hears: "Jack, it's me, Paul. I have great news! Guess what. There really is a baseball team in heaven." "Thank God", sighs Jack, "Now I can die in peace." "I'm glad you feel that way," says Paul, "because you're pitching tomorrow!

[Brassdad]

A UNIQUE IRISH CELEBRATION*
An Irishman named Mike O'Leary went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Mike in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have a cancer known as Galloping Leukemia and it can't be cured. I give you two weeks to a month." Mike, who was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son, who had been waiting.

Mike said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs, some tears, and more beers.


They were eventually approached by some of Mike's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Mike told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Leary their condolences and they all had a few more beers. After his friends left, Mike's son leaned over and whispered in confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS."

Mike replied, "I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

[Brassdad]

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

[Brassdad]

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

[Brassdad]

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

[Brassdad]

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

[Brassdad]

Real Doctor's Notes
1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
6. Healthy-appearing decrepit, 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
7. The patient refused autopsy.
8. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
9. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
10. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
11. She is numb from her toes down.
12. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
13. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
14. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
15. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

[windshieldbug]

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock ? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot... it's three-fifteen in the g$%d@&*morning!"

[Rick F]

A man walks into a pet store and is looking around when he spots a chimpanzee in a cage marked, "$1000". The man looks a little closer and discovers that the chimpanzee is wearing a tie and a hat and is twirling a set of handcuffs around his finger. Curious, the man summons the shopkeeper and asks him what the deal is with this thousand-dollar monkey.

"Sir, You have discovered our Deputy Sheriff Monkeys. This one is our basic Patrol version. It's got a POST Basic certification; can fire 'Expert' with a Berretta, Ithac Model 37, or an AR15; knows the Penal Code and Traffic Code by heart and is up-to-date on Cultural Diversity and Active Shooter Response. Very good value for a thousand dollars!"

The man is suitably impressed and moves to the next cage, which is occupied by a gorilla - also wearing a hat and tie, but is gnawing on a pen instead of the handcuffs. The price on this one is $5000. Shopkeeper exclaims, "Ah, sir! You have discovered the Sergeant model! This one has POST Advanced certification, is capable of training any other monkeys in basic firearms skills, mechanics of arrest, physical training, investigation and small unit tactics! It can even type! Very good value for five thousand, sir!"

Impressed, the man moves to the last cage. Inside, he finds an orangutan, dressed in the same hat and tie as the others, but holding only a coffee cup. "What does this one do that he's worth $12,000?" asks the man. The shopkeeper clears his throat, "Ah, sir, well, um.... we have never actually seen him do anything except drink coffee, and play with himself, but he says he's a Lieutenant.

I got this from a good friend of mine who's a retired lieutenant sheriff.

[PWtuba]

An update on European terror alerts.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats
and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A
Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire
of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

[windshieldbug]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Richard grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T ...

I used to like the little ****.

[OldsRecording]

A blonde and her husband were lying in bed one night unable to sleep due to the incessant barking of the neighbor's dog. Finally, the woman angrily jumps out of bed saying "I guess I need to take care of this!" A few minutes later, the dog stops barking, and a few minutes after that, the blonde reappears with a smug smile on her face. "I took care of it!" said she. No sooner does she lay back down, but the dog starts barking again, only this time, it's even louder. So the husband says to the still-smirking woman: "What happened? I thought you took care of the situation?" "I did!" said she with obvious pride "I put the dog in OUR yard! Let's see how THEY like it!"