Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[Jeffrey Hicks]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's
my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

[windshieldbug]

PRICE GOUGING IN COLONIAL TIMES

William Penn, the famous statesman, had two elderly aunts who loved to bake pies. The pies were very popular with the townspeople. So the aunts decided to start selling them. The pies sold so well that the women quickly became greedy. So they started raising their prices.

Soon, everybody in town was talking about the pie-rates of Penn's aunts.

[sungfw]

Q: What do you call a donkey with three legs?

A: A wonky donkey.

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Q: What do you call a donkey with three legs and one eye?

A: A winky wonky donkey.

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Q: What do you call a minature donkey with three legs and one eye?

A: A winky wonky dinky donkey.

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Q: What do you call a minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano?

A: A plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.

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Q: What do you call a minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano and has a bad case of wind?

A: A stinky plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.

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Q: What do you call a really clever minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano and has a bad case of wind?

A: A thinky stinky plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.

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Q: What do you call a really clever minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano and has a bad case of wind that has been attacked by a squid?

A: An inky thinky stinky plinky-plonky winky wonky dinky donkey.

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Q: What do you call a deaf really clever minature donkey with three legs and one eye that can play the piano and has a bad case of wind that has been attacked by a squid?

A: Don't bother: he can't hear you.

[Davy]

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
The reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?"
And ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, the Rev wins the dog."

[sungfw]

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a long grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man, "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as well, as she couldn't keep her eyes off of him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old man wouldn't hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's easy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted toward the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."

[OldsRecording]

On a small supply ship during World War II, it was the tradition of the veteran crew members to subject the latest addition to the crew to a series of practical jokes. One time, the newest crew member was a young Cook's Assistant named Jimmy. Night after night, Jimmy would go to his bunk to discover he'd been short-sheeted, or climb in and discover several crabs had been placed in his sheets. Mornings, he would wake up to find he'd been tied to his bunk, and his crewmates would throw buckets of cold sea water on him. Jimmy, however, was always a really good sport. No matter how cruel the hazing was, he would just laugh it off. This continued for several days. Finally, the other crew members called a meeting. The old Master Chief said, "Jimmy, you've been an amazingly good sport about all of this. You'll be happy to know that as of now, you are a full member of this crew, and we won't haze you any more." Jimmy replied, blushing, "Aw, shucks, Chief. I'm proud to be able to serve my country, and especially proud to serve with such a great crew like you guys. Also, you'll be happy to know that as of now, I'll stop pissing in the coffee!"

[OldsRecording]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid agruments with the females about lifting the
toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your
veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the
snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct
tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and
does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an
electrical problem.

Daily thought: Some people are like slinkies - not
really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down
the stairs.

8. If it won't move, force it. if it breaks, it needed fixing anyway.

[Nick Pierce]

8. If it won't move, force it. if it breaks, it needed fixing anyway.

Does this apply to stuck valves and slides?

[OldsRecording]

8. If it won't move, force it. if it breaks, it needed fixing anyway.

Does this apply to stuck valves and slides?

Oh, yes. If you can't get the mouthpiece out, get out the Vise-Grips. If that doesn't work, it's the perfect excuse for that brand new leadpipe.

[windshieldbug]

8. If it won't move, force it. if it breaks, it needed fixing anyway.

Does this apply to stuck valves and slides?

Oh, yes. If you can't get the mouthpiece out, get out the Vise-Grips. If that doesn't work, it's the perfect excuse for that brand new leadpipe.

... and if you need to make your BBb tuba a CC, instead of Vise-Grips get a Key Grip.

[OldsRecording]

A farmer is working in his field when a U.S. Department of Agriculture inspector drives up the lane, parks and walks up to the farmer. "Sir, I'm here to inspect your farm." "Sure. Go ahead." says the farmer "But don't go into that field over there." and he goes back to his chores. "Sir, I don't think you understand. I am from the U.S. Government. See this card? It says I can go anywhere I need to in order to inspect your farm! So, I suggest you get out of the way and let me do my job!" The farmer shrugs his shoulders and goes back to work. A few minutes later, he hears a bloodcurdling scream, and turns to see the USDA man running across the field pursued by an angry bull. "Hey!" yelled the inspector "Help me! Do something!" "Your card!" yelled back the farmer "Show him your card!"

[windshieldbug]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Dodge SRT-4 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop, who was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the SRT.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, "So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, $1,500K, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled, and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

[windshieldbug]

Post No. 1,900 for this thread.

How do you know that bloke hasn't been deleting them from the beginning?

[windshieldbug]

A burglar broke into a family's home one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, when he heard a strange voice echoing from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

After awhile when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice and finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?" He whispered to the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? And what is your name?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed, "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

[Brassdad]

A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
A drunk at the end of the bar shouts; "Hey, where'd you get that pig!?"
The woman replies rather annoyed; "This is not a pig, it's a duck."
And the drnk shouts back; "I was talking to the duck!"

[windshieldbug]

YOU ARE AN EXTREME REDNECK WHEN.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending of how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is 'out of your league,' bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, y'all, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered child care.

10. You think the last words of the 'Star-Spangled Banner' are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[greatk82]

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
This one is priceless.....
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart
Attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you
are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

[TubaCoopa]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Hmmmm. You know, virtual laughs are kinda creepy. Reminds me of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

[windshieldbug]

Wow!

Mean AND creepy!

(some guys have all the luck!)

[dwaskew]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Bacardi, our hunting dog, at Wal-Mart and was standing in line about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. First thing I thought was, 'here’s your sign lady,' but decided to go with it... so.. on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina weight loss Diet again.

I said I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete... so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story to say the least. Totally horrified, the lady asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's back side and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart asked me not to shop there anymore.