Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

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TubaRay
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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by TubaRay »

dwaskew wrote: I told her no, I had stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's back side and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart asked me not to shop there anymore.
Smartest decision Wal-Mart ever made! :lol:
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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by dwaskew »

TubaRay wrote: Smartest decision Wal-Mart ever made! :lol:
yup...........not allowed to shop at Mid-South Music anymore either, due to my inability to keep my finger off the send button....... :|
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MaryAnn
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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by MaryAnn »

Edge Designs is an all-women run company .
That designs interior office space. They had a
Recent opportunity to do an office project in
NYC.

The client allowed the women of this
Company a free hand in all design aspects.
The client was a company that was also
Run by all women execs.............

The result.........well.....We all know that
Men never talk, never look at each other....
And never laugh much in the restroom....
The men's room is a serious and quiet place...
But now...with the addition of one mural
On the wall......lets just say the men's
Restroom is a place of laughter and smiles
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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by TubaRay »

I have seen that pic before, Mary Ann. I found it quite funny. Had I stumbled into that particular restroom, I might not have survived the "dying laughing."
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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by MaryAnn »

I figure the whole thing is made up but it's still funny.

One I never saw but only heard about (for obvious reasons) was the men's room in a restaurant called Nirvana in NYC. It reportedly had pictures from the kama sutra on the walls. The entirely opposite effect from the picture above, I would think. :)

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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by The Jackson »

Image
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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by dwaskew »

Scooby Tuba wrote:
I expected it to be a gradual, dignified decline. :twisted:
not really sure how "dignified" and I are really in the same thought........ 8)
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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by windshieldbug »

Ol' Blue

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!'

'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowboy says. 'I'll get him in the course.'

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son ?' his father> asks.

'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he > says, 'but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'

'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'

'Dad, 'the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked , 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by LoyalTubist »

Teaching American culture at Long An University, I would often make the class a little more interesting with a few puns. I've told them so much they aren't funny anymore. But see what you think...

___________________________

-Why can't you trust a woman in bed?
-She's lying.

______________________________

-Why is an opthalmologist like a schoolteacher?
-Their main job is testing pupils.

_______________________________

-Did you hear about the crosseyed teacher who got fired?
-He couldn't control his pupils.

____________________________________

-Why do you give a cow a bell to wear around her neck?
-Her horns don't work.
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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by LoyalTubist »

I meant to me. The students enjoyed them.

:lol: :mrgreen: :D :)
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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by LoyalTubist »

Image : I'm so wet now!
Image : And I'm shivering! Open it! Open it!
Image : I just can't spread it open. It's so hard!
Image : Come on, girl! I can't wait any longer!
Image : Ah! Ah, there! That feels so good!
Image : I'm glad we got that umbrella open. Otherwise, we'd get soaked in this rain!
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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by LoyalTubist »

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste
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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by LoyalTubist »

Three elderly men are talking about the effects that old age has had on their lives:

75 year old man: My sense of hearing is so bad. When I talk to women I can't hear what they're saying so clearly and I've missed lots of opportunities.

80 year old man: My eyesight is terrible. I can't see the faces so clearly. I miss seeing lots of pretty girls.

85 year old man: My problem is worse than yours, guys... Last night I wanted to make love to my wife but she told me I just finished.
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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by windshieldbug »

You need to get out more.
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by imperialbari »

A current thread touches on postal services, which made me remember my three long summers, during my college years, as an auxiliary postman filling in for regulars on holiday. I worked from a large post office in a suburb north of Copenhagen in a community having separate enclaves of low end working class and other enclaves of the very rich quite close to each other.

The postmen most had blue collar backgrounds, but a few had made a social advance. One without forgetting his background. He had something of an entertainer to his nature. While we all sorted the post during early morning, he took any opportunity to crack out very loudly series of not too virginal, but very funny jokes. Our old and very formal foreman din't like the wording, but he realised, that the spirit also was kept high on rainy days, so he never really came down hard on the entertainer.

We worked in rows of pigeonries, but sound and air moved freely around us. One regular was known to spoil his stomach during week-ends. He very noticeably vented his colon every Monday morning. One such Monday one of his sidekicks yelled out a Danish saying to protest:

"This smells more of $hit than of fancy cake!"

Whereafter the entertainer asked out loud: "And y'all don't know why?"

A collective "No" was heard.

"This world has just so many more a$$holes than it has bakers!"

Some low-end rowhouses had only young unëmployed single mothers as residents, placed there by welfare. The entertainer had asked the foreman NOT to place him on that route. Which was granted after this statement by our funny friend: "I will never be able to make my route on time if allocated that tour!"

Once he and I biked alongside to our districts and he offered me the wisdom of a very active private life:

"Always be kind towards kids. You will never know, if you are their father!"

Klaus
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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by Nick Pierce »

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how h e would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card w as written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without.
Send extra sauce
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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by OldsRecording »

There were two blonde sisters whose father had always expressed a desire to be buried at sea. Eventually, the father died, and as per his wishes, his daughters agreed to bury him at sea. So, they set out in a boat with the body wrapped in a sail. They stop a little ways out, one sister gets out of the boat and says "Nope. Not deep enough." They go a little further out, stop, and the same thing: "Nope. Not here, either." They do this a couple more times, and finally the one sister gets out of the boat and remains under water for at least two minutes. At last, to her sister's relief, the woman breaks the surface. "Are you okay? What happened?" "Well, it's deep enough. Hand me the shovel."
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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by Nick Pierce »

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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by PWtuba »

Nick Pierce wrote:Image
Classic. :mrgreen:
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Re: Friday's Funny (but on a Monday)

Post by The Jackson »

Nick Pierce wrote:Image
Image
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