Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[Brassdad]

Not a joke to be read....but at funny clip that is too good not to share especially since the "voice" from the mother ship was a tuba:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYO7z2Lo ... re=related

[EuphDad]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the Harley. He managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into the mud pit and soon he too began to sink. He cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks.

[justinbarleben]

Not a joke to be read....but at funny clip that is too good not to share especially since the "voice" from the mother ship was a tuba:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYO7z2Lo ... re=related

Here's another um...interesting? version of this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nEJKrz_Jxig

[Rick F]

And that's when the fight started...

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

=========================================

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary ?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....

=========================================


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......

=========================================

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....

=========================================

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

=========================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

=========================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as
he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her , 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

=========================================

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

=========================================


SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf '
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[Rick F]

Only in TEXAS

Can you imagine this guy going 90 mph on his way to Dallas with these balloons trailing a few yards behind him?

Instructions for a fun time on the interstate....

Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a crazy person!
Step 3. Watch people freak out!!!!
.
.

[bort]

This isn't exactly a "joke", but does anyone else appreciate Mike Judge's little tuba-player humor built into the "King of the Hill" animated TV show?

(Hank's oriental neighbor's name is Kahn Souphanousinphone.)

[paraphrasing one of my favorite lines from the show]

Hank: Are you Chinese, or Japanese?
Kahn: I'm Laotian.
Hank: Huh?
Bill: What ocean?
Kahn: I'm LA-OTIAN. I'm from Laos! It's a tiny country in southeast Asia.

[long awkward pause]

Hank: So, are you Chinese, or Japanese?

[The Jackson]

WARNING!! CSI + tuba joke inbound:

[The Jackson]

Guys, check this out:



Crude oil!

[windshieldbug]

Guys, check this out:



Crude oil!

TRUMPET VALVE OIL!

[Brassdad]

What do you call a lesbian in Alaska?

A Klondyke.

[tubatooter1940]

The professional seamstress is also an amateur violist.

As a seamstress, she tucks up frills...

Reminded me of the cross-eyed seamstress that couldn't mend straight.
and...

The mixed up policeman who jumped off his whistle and blew his horse.

[The Jackson]

http://7.62x54r.net/MosinID/MosinHumor.htm" target="_blank" target="_blank

Funny Mosin-Nagant/AK vs. AR jokes there!

Stuff you know if you have an AK
You can put a .30" hole through 12" of oak, if you can hit it.

Stuff you know if you have an AR
You can put one hole in a paper target at 100 meters with 30 rounds.

Stuff you know if you have a Mosin Nagant
You can knock down everyone else's target with the shock wave of your bullet going downrange.

[OldsRecording]

After enjoying a cheeseburger at a lonely roadside bar, a certain middle-aged biker was out enjoying the rest of his day. As he rode down the quiet country lane, he spotted an old man lying beside the road, so he pulled over to help him. As the biker approached the man, the old man smiled broadly and said "Thank you so much for stopping. You are truly a good Christian. Allow me to indroduce myself- I am St. Peter. "St. Peter?" asked the biker "THE St. Peter? The guy who checks people in at the Pearly Gates?" "The same." replied the saint. "People have been driving past me all day, and you are the only one who has stopped to help me. To reward your charity, I will grant you a wish, but it must be something that will benefit all Mankind." The biker considered for a moment and replied "I would love a bridge to Hawaii. That way me and my buddies could ride our bikes out there any time we wanted." The saint smiled and said "That sounds like a lovely idea, but it couldn't be done. Even if it could be done, it is too selfish and materialistic a wish." The biker paused, looked the old saint in the eye and said "I want to be able to understand my wife. In fact, I wish that all men could understand their wives and girlfriends. What they mean when they say 'Nothing's wrong'. How to understand the 'silent treatment'. How to know exactly when they are going to be PMS-ing. Can you do that?" "Hmmmm...." said St. Peter "This bridge- how many lanes would you like?"

[Mcordon1]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mVpGmoE ... r_embedded" target="_blank

I don't know what to say about this....

almost too impressive...

[Brassdad]

Words of Wisdom and Points to Ponder
(I think everyone here will agree with #11)

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either.. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

AND

22 . Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Rick F]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the
following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that she was told it had to be at least 8 characters long.

[windshieldbug]

* Some people who take Fukitol experience serious liver problems. Your doctor should check your liver function before you start this medication and continue frequently thereafter. If you experience malaise, weakness, tiredness, facial swelling, loss of appetite, or vomiting inform your doctor immediately; this may be a sign of more serious liver problems.

[imperialbari]

http://www.journal-news.net/page/conten ... 25232.html

[Tom Mason]

* Some people who take Fukitol experience serious liver problems. Your doctor should check your liver function before you start this medication and continue frequently thereafter. If you experience malaise, weakness, tiredness, facial swelling, loss of appetite, or vomiting inform your doctor immediately; this may be a sign of more serious liver problems.

** Take Fukitol with plenty of fluids. Drinking less than a full 12 floz glass of alcohol with each dose can reduce Fukitol's effectiveness.

*** You should not take Fukitol if you are pregnant, nursing, pregnamt and nursing, or thinking about becoming pregnant and/or nursing.

**** You shoud see how Fukitol affects you before driving heavy machinery or operating aircraft.

[Tom Mason]

* Some people who take Fukitol experience serious liver problems. Your doctor should check your liver function before you start this medication and continue frequently thereafter. If you experience malaise, weakness, tiredness, facial swelling, loss of appetite, or vomiting inform your doctor immediately; this may be a sign of more serious liver problems.

** Take Fukitol with plenty of fluids. Drinking less than a full 12 floz glass of alcohol with each dose can reduce Fukitol's effectiveness.

*** You should not take Fukitol if you are pregnant, nursing, pregnamt and nursing, or thinking about becoming pregnant and/or nursing.

**** You shoud see how Fukitol affects you before driving heavy machinery or operating aircraft.

***** Fukitol now stays crunchy - even in milk.

******Fukitol maybe habit forming. Combining Fukitol with other medications, such as those prescribed for "E D", may cause a serious drop in bank account. Use only as directed by a physician and/or attorney.

*******Be aware of cheap substitutes, such as screwitol or pissonit. These generic substitutes have shown to be less effective than Fukitol. Only those doctors who have been exposed to Specialized High Intensity Training should prescribe Fukitol.