Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[dwaskew]

René Descartes goes into a bar.

The bartender asks, " ' the usual?"

Descartes replies, "I think not."

POOF !!! He disappears.

Thus giving further significance to the popular tuba philosophy: "I drink, therefore I am"

[windshieldbug]

René Descartes goes into a bar.

The bartender asks, " ' the usual?"

Descartes replies, "I think not."

POOF !!! He disappears.

Thus giving further significance to the popular tuba philosophy: "I drink, therefore I am"

Also giving rise to what is termed "The Tubist Defense": I drink, therefore.

[tubaguy9]

I make a living playing the tuba.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is a pretty good joke




(sorry, I couldn't resist)

[imperialbari]

This knowledge obtained at my local information pool when I had my crew-cut renewed last Friday may disgust some animal rights’ activists, but I will not let such inferior considerations stop true anthropological occurrences from being reported. There may be some tuba and brass instrument relevancy also.

A lady brought a parrot and a ping-pong ball, when she entered the office of a provincial show agency. The agent wondered about her equipment, but urged her to display her act.

The lady placed the parrot on the back of a chair, undressed, and laid herself down on her back. She activated her yellow fountain balancing the ping-pong ball on the jet. When the ball eventually came down, she timed a violent fart well enough to make the ball knock the parrot off the chair.

The agent was wildly impressed and estimated a high yearly income, she might earn if she entered the Copenhagen show scene. The lady appeared shy about his suggestion. Still shy when the agent doubled his estimate after doing a few phone calls. The agent wondered about this and started asking:

Why don’t you want to conquer the Copenhagen stages? We are after all talking big money.

Not good. My mum works there.

Should be no problem. Rather she will be proud of you.

Not sure about that. She does the same trick.

Oh, she does that?

Only she uses a coconut and an ostrich!

TubeNet often is asked from tiny ladies which equipment will fit them, when they want to play bass like the boys. As a service these ladies will be referred to a pea and a lark, if they want to perform the above trick.

In this very context neither parrot nor lark are trademarks for equipment of Chinese origins.

[Brassdad]

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.


Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

[bearphonium]

A woman had two female parrots who would say nothing but "Hi, we're hookers! Want a good time?" In desparation, she went to her priest, and told him about her parrots. The priest looked thoughtful, and then replied "Well, I might just have a solution. I have two male parrots who have been taught to pray and say the rosary. Why don't you bring your birds to mine, and I am sure they will be cured in no time."

The woman brought her two parrots to the priest, and he set them next to his parrots. Sure enough, the two male parrots had rosary beads and sounded as if they were quietly quoting scripture. The priest said "Francis, Michael, these ladies need your help." A moment later, the female parrots said, in unison "Hi, we're hookers! Want a good time?"

There was a moment of silence. Then one of the male birds spoke. "Ditch the beads, Frank, our prayers have been answered."

[Brassdad]

Did you know...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure that it can squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.

In other words, send it to everyone!
(and I love that pig!)

[Brassdad]

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.

December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ***. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[Brassdad]

Confucius say...
If you are in a book store and cannot find the book you are looking for,
You must be in....

[djwesp]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, ”I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Brassdad]

I recently got circumcised. Yeah, I know, a little late in life but there were real considerations to the surgery. Not the least of which was, as an organ donor, what should I do with the foreskin.
I decided to donate the unneeded skin to a hospital that donates tissue to children without eyelids.

Only now did it dawn on me that they are all cockeyed.

[Sally Larsen]

Totally clean, kid-friendly jokes:

What did the zero say to the eight?

"Nice belt"


Why are 2x10 and 2x11 the same"
Because 2x10 is 20, and 2x11 is twenty, too! (22)

[Brassdad]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

[Brassdad]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two men were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?' asked the other man.
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[Brassdad]

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

[Brassdad]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
The next week the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

[Brassdad]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Brassdad]

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George Bush Jr., a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks: Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks: Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.

[Brassdad]

Speaking of Abbot and Costello ... my math teacher would go crazy with this....

http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=rLprXHb ... re=related

[Virtuoso]

Speaking of Abbot and Costello ... my math teacher would go crazy with this....

http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=rLprXHb ... re=related

Ha...I'm gonna pull this stunt in my AP Calculus class...