Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[Rick F]

HARK!!! A new blonde joke!!!

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as
the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration....


'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

[tubatooter1940]

A new preacher in town spent his day walking through the neighborhoods, knocking on doors and inviting all to attend his church service on Sunday.
The preacher very much resembled Conway Twitty, the famous country music singer and at every house he visited, the person opening the door would exclaim, "Hey, you're Conway Twitty!" and he would reply, "No, I'm the new preacher in town and I stopped by to invite you to church next Sunday."
This kept happening until a fabulously, gorgeous young lady answered her door wrapped only in a damp towel
And exclaimed, "You're Conway Twitty!"
The preacher replied in his deepest voice, "Hello Darlin!"

[tubatooter1940]

She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.

The baker stopped making doughnuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

Tennis players never marry because love means nothing to them.

How do you stop a bull from charging?
Take away his credit card.

I never tipped a cow. Then again, one has never served me food.

Novice pirates make terrible singers.
They can't hit the high seas.

Show me someone in denial and I'll show you a person in Egypt up to their ankles.

[Kevin Hendrick]

.
CONVERGENCE TO A PINT

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one says: "I'll have a pint."
The second one says: "I'll have half a pint."
The third one says: "I'll have a quarter of a pint."
The fourth one says: "I'll have an eighth of a pint."

The barman holds his hand up for silence, says "I hate you guys", and pours out two pints.

[tubbba]

Novice pirates make terrible singers.
They can't hit the high seas.

Pirates are notoriously bad musicians. They play everything in the key of "Arrrrr".

[tofu]

Badge of Authority

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

[Kevin Hendrick]

Badge of Authority

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

Life's a badge (and that's no bull) ...

[OldsRecording]

ACTUAL COLLEGE THEME PAPER - HEY I COULDN'T MAKE THIS UP
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?
Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor
at an American University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write
the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The
first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and
forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order
to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking
and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The
story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca -last name deleted, and Jim - last name deleted.

------------------------------------------------------------
STORY:
(First paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,
keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if
she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.
So chamomile was out of the question.
-----------------------------------------------------
(Second paragraph by Jim)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named
Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S.
Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his trans- galactic communicator.
"Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so
far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed
out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The
jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across
the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one
woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth
stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers
of Skylon 4. Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and
Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news
simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed hurriedly and
carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract
her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?"
she pondered wistfully.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Jim)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted
wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament
Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target
for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the
human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop
them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium
fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President,
in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor
off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion,
which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie and 85 million other Americans.
The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't
allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of
the sky!"
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate
adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Jim)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts
at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have
chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh
no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
novels."
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Jim)
Bitch.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Wanker.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Jim)
slut.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Get f*cked.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Jim)
Eat ****.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------------------
(Jim)
Go drink some tea - whore.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Teacher)
A+ I really liked this one.

[Brassdad]

Don't say I didn't warn you!!!!
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at
the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as
you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both
start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their
breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even
cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc. So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just
before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[Rick F]

Roy and his wife Gail went to the state fair every year, and every year Roy would say, "Gail, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Gail always replied, "I know Roy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

One year Roy and Gail went to the fair, and Roy said, "Gail, I'm 65 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Gail replied, "Roy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Roy and Gail agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Roy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Roy replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Gail fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

[Rick F]

There were 2 teenage boys who lived in a small town that were always getting into trouble. They lied, cheated, stole and pretty much spent most of their time doing nothing worthwhile. As they grew up, they didn't change that much. They became drunkards, womanizers and were always in trouble with the law.

Then one day one of the brothers died. The other brother went to the local preacher to organize his funeral. The brother told the preacher that if he told everyone during the eulogy that his brother was a saint that he would donate $100,000 to the church. The preacher said he would have to think about it for awhile as he—and everyone else in town—knew his brother and his history. After a few days, the preacher agreed to do this.

The word got out and on the day of the funeral, the church was packed. The preacher said, "Everyone knows that this young man was a drunkard, thief, womanizer and no good, but compared to his brother, he was a saint".

[cambrook]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home from her final checkup, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am 'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself..
She stops at a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell
how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra..
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out,
'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay Okay, okay...How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

[Brassdad]

A pair of entrepreneurs were just starting to set up their new store.
Having worked hard putting up shelves they decided to take a lunch break.
While munching on his sandwich Steven said to James,
"I bet you anything you care to name that any minute a Senior will look through the window and then come in to ask what we are selling."

Sure enough an elderly gentleman peered through the window and then opened the door to ask what they were selling there.
"*** holes" said Steven.
"Well business must be very good," said the Senior, "I see you have only got two left."

[Brassdad]

WAL-MART SENIOR GREETER

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes late. He was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and
obviously demonstrated their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Navy, what would they say there if you came in late there?"

(scroll down..... .............)































''They said, 'Good morning, Admiral. Could I get you some coffee, sir?' ”

[Mike Finn]

A jazz trio is playing a gig at an upscale nightclub. They play a classic bebop tune at a fleet tempo with grace and ease. Then comes a Wayne Shorter composition filled with mysterious harmonies, poignant melodies and daring improvisations. Next they present a medley of lesser known Harold Arlen songs that only a connoisseur would recognize, again played with elegant styling and exquisite taste.

The whole evening has been one dazzling performance after another. Though the trio is playing background music and not a formal concert, the audience can sense that the musical display they are witnessing is of such a high caliber that the musicians should be allowed to perform as they please without interference.

Then a well-dressed middle-aged man approaches the bandstand and asks the pianist "Can you play Laura's Theme from Dr. Zhivago?" The pianist tells the man that they are jazz musicians and that they usually don't take requests of that sort. The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out three one hundred dollar bills which he lays out on the piano. The pianist looks at the bass player and drummer and says "Lara's Theme in G." They play the tune in the fashion of the original version, the pianist emulating the Balalaika textures with a delicate upper register tremolo. The song obviously does not present the same level of difficulty that the trio is accustomed to dealing with.

As the pianist plays, he absent-mindedly gazes at the soundboard of his ebony Steinway B and wonders about the grain in the wood."How would the tonal characteristics be altered if the grain of the soundboard ran perpendicular to the strings rather than parallel", he silently asks himself.

The bass player amuses himself with an assortment of well-placed double-stops and harmonics. He daydreams as he looks at the top of his mid-nineteenth century double bass made by French master, Paul Claudot, and wonders "How many times has the top been varnished, how did the varnish of past years differ from today's, how would the resonance properties be affected if there were no varnish at all?"

The drummer gazes down onto the single ply, medium weight head of his 1950's vintage black oyster pearl snare drum and thinks to himself
"One, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three."

[Chadtuba]

In a one-person bathroom with a locked door. Someone knocked and I said, "Who is it?" and they were like, "It's...it's..." and they walked away. Now I ask that all the time.

[Chadtuba]

My new approach with telemarketers is: I'm a total yes man, sign me up... uh-huh! yes, yes yes! Sounds good to me... and when they get to the payment part of the whole thing, I tell them they'll have to wait till my mommy gets home... click... dialtone.

[Virtuoso]

How are a conductor and a condom similar?










It's safer with them, but more fun without...

[ken k]

there was a funny musician story a few years back that made the email joke rounds. something like: a C an Eb and a G went into a bar and the bartender said "I am sorry but we do not serve minors here"...and then the Eb left and the C and G shared an open fith....etc. it went on and on and was very clever. does anyone have that on their computers and can you post it here again?

ken k

found it! (it was actually posted earlier in theis thread...)

C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, then the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

[k001k47]

Why is six afraid of seven?


Seven bought a saxophone.