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the elephant wrote:Wade Rackley's Instructions For Setting Up Cheap Chinese Violins

• Open zipper pouch on side of case.
• Make sure it is clean and empty.
• Zip closed completely. (Shipped partially open.)
• Apply duct tape to side of case.
• Open case.
• Remove rosin.
• Remove silica pouch. (Remember: "DO NOT EAT!")
• Remove bow.
• Remove plastic wrap from bow.
• Remove satin violin cover.
• Remove violin.
• Vacuum case.
• Check bow.
• Replace bow in case.
• Place satin cover over bow.
• Replace rosin.
• Remove wrapping from tailpiece.
• Remove wrapping from bridge.
• Check sound post. (Say a prayer while doing this step.)

NOTE: If sound post has fallen, place violin-shaped-object in case and set aside. Prepare emotionally for the music store employee's derision because you purchased instruments that had not been set up. Prepare to point out that you got them for $60 apiece and that the cost of setup for such cheap instruments for six year old kids is something your organization need not waste if you can do most of it yourself. Be prepared to say, "Just set the damned sound post, please," several times.

If sound post is okay then proceed to next step.

• Gently place all four strings into notches on nut.
• Note that the nut is crooked/chipped/generally crappy.
• Place bridge with low end beneath E string.
• Gently place strings into notches on bridge.
• Curse because they were not cut in the correct places.
• "Fix" this problem as best you can.
• Carefully elevate bridge into place.
• Align bridge so that feet are centered on inner F hole notches.
• Center bridge.
• Tighten strings until each is somewhere close to the correct octave.
• Adjust bridge.
• Note that bridge slides around VERY easily.
• Allow strings to stretch for a bit.
• Tighten strings again, trying to get closer to something like the right notes.
• Adjust the bridge again.
• Curse softly because the bridge slides around like a mofo on a waxed floor.
• Allow strings to stretch some more.
• Have a beer.
• Tune strings by ear to correct pitches -- sort of.
• Curse in advance, knowing that you will have to adjust the damned bridge again.
• Adjust bridge again.
• Curse the Chinese factory worker who got hide glue on the finger board.
• Tune strings again.
• Tune strings again.
• Tune strings again.
• Tune strings again.
• Adjust bridge YET AGAIN.
• Make certain that the bridge is leaning properly on the front-to-back plane.
• Note with some warped satisfaction that the strings are now (more or less) holding pitch.
• Tune strings with a tuner.
• Discover that the bridge is again slightly crooked.
• Adjust bridge again.
• Curse softly because chin rest touches the tailpiece.
• Move chin rest.
• Adjust bridge.
• Retune so-called "instrument".
• Re-retune craptacular "instrument" a (hopefully) final time.
• Cut four 3" strips of red automobile pinstripe tape.
• Using your ear as a guide for pitch, locate and mark with a pencil the locations for all four strips of "fake frets".
• Carefully apply each tape strip to fingerboard/neck.
• Test.
• Adjust the freaking bridge.
• Re-re-retune with a tuner.
• Take perverse satisfaction that this "thing" now holds G, D, A and E reliably and that your tapes are accurately placed.
• Replace violin in case.
• Make a Gallic shrug.
• Sigh.
• Roll eyes.
• Use a Sharpie to put "lucky" student's name on duct tape on side of case.
• Note that this took about 30 minutes.
• Note also that you must repeat this 120 times.