TubeNet

You forgot "plow the back 40" and "dig a new well" in addition to "cut and split firewood".

Geez, Doc. Do you have a death wish or something?

Doc wrote:If your spouse stayed at home, what would you expect?

a hard time.

Doc wrote: but my wife did nothing as a PARTNER in our marriage. She did not help out at home, and refused to get a job. I don't think I was being unreasonable at all to expect her to do her part when she had nothing else to do.

At the expense of feeling like this:


Are you sure that all you're doing is looking for a consensus?

As far as my wife and I are concerned, our consensus is "do whatever it takes".

I think you'll find that attitude behind most successful relationships, marital and otherwise.

Doc wrote:No death wish here. If I stayed at home (that'll be the day), and my spouse supported me and the kids financially (tough job nowadays), I would think it reasonable to take care of everything on the homefront. I don't think that's too much to expect from any stay-at-home spouse, man or woman. I would love to be able to do that.

Not many spouses stay at home anymore, so some could be upset by this poll, as you infer. I'm not advocating women's places are at home. My wife and I thought it best for the kids that she stay home with them while they were little. It has helped the kids (she wasn't a terrible mother, but wasn't much more than a glorified babysitter), but my wife did nothing as a PARTNER in our marriage. She did not help out at home, and refused to get a job. I don't think I was being unreasonable at all to expect her to do her part when she had nothing else to do. Just seeing what the consensus is, that's all.

Doc

Just out of mild curiosity Doc, you STILL married


oops; never mind Doc. Just read the "other" thread post:

Doc wrote:...My soon-to-be-ex...
Doc

Since I'm retired and my wife is still teaching, I take care of paying the bills, balancing the check book, cleaning the house, and all the yard work. I don't do the cooking. She tried teaching me how to cook a few things so I could prepare two meals per week, but I made too many mistakes (whew!! that was close, ), so we agreed on me cleaning up when she's through.

That was cold sissies, real cold.

Sou

funny though

The first 4 are ok. Although you have to keep an eye on the money sometimes. For years my wife wouldn't touch the checkbook.

Mowing the grass is my escape. A cigar and a riding mower, see you in a few hours:)

Vehicles? Most women have trouble find the gas cap, never mind crawling under a car.

ThomasDodd wrote:The first 4 are ok. Although you have to keep an eye on the money sometimes. For years my wife wouldn't touch the checkbook.

Mowing the grass is my escape. A cigar and a riding mower, see you in a few hours:)

Vehicles? Most women have trouble find the gas cap, never mind crawling under a car.

Just shows what people pick. I do the checkbook, love mowing the lawn (when I had one, here we have gravel) and used to work as a motorcycle mechanic.

MA, who will forego the cigar

MaryAnn wrote:

ThomasDodd wrote:The first 4 are ok. Although you have to keep an eye on the money sometimes. For years my wife wouldn't touch the checkbook.

Mowing the grass is my escape. A cigar and a riding mower, see you in a few hours:)

Vehicles? Most women have trouble find the gas cap, never mind crawling under a car.

Just shows what people pick. I do the checkbook, love mowing the lawn (when I had one, here we have gravel) and used to work as a motorcycle mechanic.

MA, who will forego the cigar

Notice I did say most. I know a few guys who don't know what the 710 cap* is either

As to the cigar... I'm not particurlly forn of women who smoke them, and my wife doesn't allow them in the house. She making inroads into the finances though. Real eye-opener for her.


*If you don't know the joke. Write 710 on a piece of paper, then rotate the paper 180 degrees.

I am the only child of a single mother. My father is a selfish @@@@@ who abandoned us when I was 2. Unfortunately, this does seem to happen far too often.

I am used to having a strong woman role-model in my life, so thats what I am attracted to in women. I do not respect any woman who stays at home when there are ZERO children to raise!! I have known several women who, when they got married, quit their jobs and stayed at home, even when kids were not present, nor were they even attempting to have kids!! That, in my opinion, is called freeloading...

My wife works. She works harder than I do (not because I am lazy, but because I ahve an easy job), and I deeply respect her for it!

When we have kids, we will make the decision whether she continues working. I would prefer she stays home with the kid, at least through till preschool, but it may not be financially possible... Though, we would save a TON on daycare...

Something I hope we wont have to think about for at least 3 more years

None, the job of a SAHM (stay at home mom) is to be a MOM and to keep the KIDS happy!

All of the other things are pluses. (if you are married to one)You should get down on your knees and kiss her feet, IMO, becuase being a SAHM is HARD WORK! I certainly couldn't do it.

MomOfSampson wrote:None, the job of a SAHM (stay at home mom) is to be a MOM and to keep the KIDS happy!

All of the other things are pluses. (if you are married to one)You should get down on your knees and kiss her feet, IMO, becuase being a SAHM is HARD WORK! I certainly couldn't do it.

This is certainly true! To this I must add that the job of raising the kids is also one of the most wonderful things one gets to do in this world. My wife stayed home for the early years of my kids lives. I am very grateful for this, and I believe my now grown kids are, too.

I'd expect her to get as much done as she can. And since I was selective about who I married, and married someone I trust, if I found some number of chores undone when I got home I knew it was because the kids needed her enough that day that she couldn't do all the housework. There are always nap times, and times the kids are playing by themselves or with each other, so I think it's reasonable to expect that SAHMs can get SOME housework done MOST days -- but I leave that to HER judgment, and work with her when I get home to do the rest (or take over the kids so she can get it done).

No, my Dad didn't do that when I was a kid. And I never had much of a relationship with him, compared to what my kids have with me. Nor did my Mom have time to do things with us, guide us, teach us, the way my wife did with our kids, 'cause she was busy doing housework.
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Joe Baker, who knows the best things come with a price attached.

Expectation is a dangerous thing. The more you expect, the more you'll be disappointed.

And the more you expect in the way of service from your spouse, the more you treat your spouse like an attendant at McDonalds.

I've found that the less I expect, the more I get.

But I'll let you in on a secret of feminine score-keeping: Tasks that you enjoy do not count.

Example:

A fried of mine back in Texas moved to a point midway between San Antonio and Austin because his wife worked in Austin and he in San Antonio. Because of the long commute distances, he changed the oil on their cars frequently. This was not considered work, because he was hobbyist mechanic and therefore changing the oil was "fun". Nevermind that it kept him from working on his project, a 1972 Triumph Stag that he was rebuilding.

Rick "who does what needs to be done without resentment, but is careful not to 'enjoy' yard work" Denney

Share the housekeeping and the expenses. I remarried six years ago after getting fed up with the clothes-horse/high maintenance slug I put up with for 28 years. Now... it's quite nice to be married to a professional who also makes a living. I don't mess with her business and she doesn't mess with mine. Seperate checkbooks, credit cards, etc. We don't have a clue what each other makes. Perfect! We're very happy with it that way.

Joe Baker wrote:No, my Dad didn't do that when I was a kid. And I never had much of a relationship with him, compared to what my kids have with me. Nor did my Mom have time to do things with us, guide us, teach us, the way my wife did with our kids, 'cause she was busy doing housework.

Looks like you turned out alright. Much better that those who grew up in "Day Care" seam to be doing.

ThomasDodd wrote: Looks like you turned out alright. Much better that those who grew up in "Day Care" seam to be doing.

Well, I'll leave it to others to measure how I turned out, but I do want to clarify that I VERY much appreciate my parents. My Dad busted his hump to do what he knew to do, which was to provide for us. My Mom did exactly what SHE understood she was to do, which was mostly to run the household. And it's not like they never spent time with us, just not as much as my wife and I have done with our kids. We chose to make a slight shift from 'taking care of our work' toward 'spending time with our kids', and I think it's an improvement; but please, don't ANYONE think I have anything but the utmost love, respect, and appreciation for my parents.

BTW, when I was a kid I didn't know anyone whose parents were divorced, or whose mother worked full-time outside the house. I don't know if women have it better today or not, but an awful lot of kids sure don't.
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Joe Baker, who REALLY got to know his Dad after he was grown.

Joe Baker wrote:Joe Baker, who REALLY got to know his Dad after he was grown.

Count your blessings there too.
My father died before I was 25.

But I'll bet my childhood and yours wern't much different. I think I spend more time with my kid, but then again, I may not remember back that far very well either.
Perhaps I did get more time than I think.

TubaTinker wrote:Share the housekeeping and the expenses. I remarried six years ago after getting fed up with the clothes-horse/high maintenance slug I put up with for 28 years. Now... it's quite nice to be married to a professional who also makes a living. I don't mess with her business and she doesn't mess with mine. Seperate checkbooks, credit cards, etc. We don't have a clue what each other makes. Perfect! We're very happy with it that way.

Perfect!! Exactly how I like to do it, if I can find a partner who actually has a job instead of just being charming.

MA

tubalawlisa wrote: (I'm not a feminist either though).

Why not? To me "feminist" means equal pay for equal work, equal opportunity for equal talent. What's wrong with that? The rest of what you wrote sounds pretty clearly feminist to me. How are you defining feminist?


MA