Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[Brassdad]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a good looking, older retired Marine Corps Sergeant Major in his mid- sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.
He ate my last tamer so you better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. ............Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her; feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired Sergeant Major and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough Sergeant Major replies,
"NO PROBLEM, JUST GET THAT DAMN LION OUT OF THE WAY!!"

[pulseczar]

[tubeast]

Doc, my variant of that joke includes a different last remark by LRRH:
"My, what protruding, red eyes you have!"

[windshieldbug]

Three senior ladies named Patsy, Betty, and Nellie were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation, when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Nellie immediately had a stroke.

Then Betty also had a stroke.

But Patsy, being older and feebler, couldn't reach that far.


Bless her heart!!!.

[TubaRay]

Three senior ladies named Patsy, Betty, and Nellie were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation, when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Nellie immediately had a stroke.
Then Betty also had a stroke.
But Patsy, being older and feebler, couldn't reach that far.
Bless her heart!!!.

Touching story!

[tubatooter1940]

Proof that your date for dinner is a real dog:
When the waiter brings the dinner plates, he sets hers on the floor.

[tubeast]

A rabbit and a giraffe meet somewhere in the plains.
"So how´s life with a long neck like yours ?" the rabbit asks.
"Oh, it´s really cool. It´s so sweet having a cold drink going down on a hot day. I get to see farther than most, and I can reach WAAY up there into trees where the delicious leafs are."

The rabbit, slightly annoyed, replies:
"So, have you thrown up, lately ?

[quinterbourne]

[SplatterTone]

I think this has been around, but couldn't find on the thread yet. So ...

A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual. He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008. So we're taking up a collection for her.

The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replies "About 40 to 50 gallons so far, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

[XtremeEuph]

ahahahah havent seen it before TBO, thats hilarious.

[iiipopes]

You know you're too old to gig when...

It becomes more important to find a place for your box fan, than your
amp.

You refuse to play out of tune.

Your fans have left by 10:30 PM.

All you want from groupies is a foot massage.

Your after show party is at Burger King.

You can't play more than 1 hour without taking a leak.

You hire band mates for their values instead of their talent.

Instead of a fifth member, you want to hire a roady.

You lost the directions to the gig (which you got from Mapquest).

You need your glasses to adjust your amp.

You're thrilled to have New Year's Eve off.

The waitress is your daughter.

You stop the set because your Ibuprofen fell behind the monitor.

Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.

You no longer use a tip jar.

You refuse to play without earplugs.

Fat chicks are starting to look OK.

You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 10:30.

Your gig stool must have a back.

You're related to at least one of the band members.

You don't let anyone "sit in".

Your wife doesn't care what time you get home anymore.

During breaks you go lay down in the van.

You prefer a music stand with a light.

You sold your Les Paul because it's too heavy.

You can't get your Fender Twin Reverb out of your basement.

You can't play without a play list.

You have a contract.

Oh, God...the truth really hurts! The only one that didn't apply is that I have a son instead of a daughter!

[tubatooter1940]

All of the above except I put wheels on my Fender Twin Reverb.
Most waitresses are young enough to be my grand daughters and I refuse to play a four hour gig without a tuba stand.
Fat chicks are warm in the winter and shady in the summer.

[sc_curtis]

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hoteland take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then getback on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

[TubaRay]

Chancing a repeat, I thought it was worth it.


An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive
into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a
little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his
head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the
golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured
it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer
says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get
three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in
relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're
OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "I
have to do something for him. I'll give him the three
things I would want... a great golf game, all the
money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and
the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he
again hits a bad drive into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little
guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf
game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "I'm an
internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the
way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf
game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I
need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out
$100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex
life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in
embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting
to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then
whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's
all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for
a Catholic priest in a small parish."

LOL

[tubaguy9]

That is sort of funny!!!

[Rick F]

Why We Split-Up

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending:

• $65.00 on make-up,
  $150 for a cut & color,
  $30 for a manicure,
  $40 for a pedicure,
  $50 on vitamins,
  $300 on clothes
  and $600 for a gym membership.

I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't?

She said she needed it to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for...

I don't think she's coming back.

[tubatooter1940]

His first night in England, A salesman from the U.S.A went to a fine London pub and bought a round for the house.
He struck up a conversation with a Londoner who was also in sales and was most pleasant to talk with. Turned out that these two men had a great deal in common and they drank and talked the evening away.
Near closing time they both expressed how much they enjoyed the evening and how amazing it was that two strangers could have so much im common.
As they were leaving the Brit asked, "Yank you wouldn't be gay, would you?" And the American replied, "No, sir! Are you?"
And the Englishman replied, "No, I'm not either. Pity, isn't it?"

[iiipopes]

Hey, tubatooter1940 -- that's not a joke. That actually happened to me on my 4th trip to the UK the 1st night at the hotel bar. Struck up a conversation with a guy who then propositioned me. Fortunately, I was so exhausted it didn't take much excuse to politely decline as "jetlagged" and get the #&!! out of there, take the elevator up an extra floor in case he was watching, and come back down the side staircase to my room!

[tubatooter1940]

iiipopes, at least you COULD have gotten lucky. The love was in the air.
You simply lacked the depravity to appreciate the opportunity.
When we were playing the old Dixie Club in Mobile-one Saturday night-late, my wife came to me and told me an Arab gentleman offered her cocaine if she would go back to the ship with him. I started laughing hysterically and she got miffed. I apoligized and explained that Robbie, our male lead singer, got the same proposition from the same Arab an hour ago and that she was second choice after Robbie.

[iiipopes]

Well, at least the Arab gentleman didn't discriminate!