Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[Brassdad]

Hi Everyone. I wanted to let you know I have a friend who has a quarter horse for sale.

If you, or anyone you know may be interested, please let me know.

Below is a picture of the beauty.

[OldsRecording]

Sam had no luck at all. He lost his job, his wife left him, his dog died, and so did his car. Just about the only asset he had left was a really nice strawberry patch. So, he picked a bunch of berries and set out to try and sell them. At the very first house he stopped at, he was met by a very attractive young woman in a bathrobe. She gave him a wink and said "Go meet me at the back door, sweetie!" So, Sam goes around back, and the woman meets him at the back door, only she's completely nude. Says she "Now, lets talk about those strawberries!" With that, Sam collapses on the groung, crying hystericly. "What's the matter with you?" Said the woman. Replies Sam "I've lost job, my wife left me, my dog died, my car died, now you're going to screw me out of my strawberries!

[OldsRecording]

The judge asked the prostitute, "So when did you realize you were raped?"


The prostitute replied, wiping her tears, "When the check bounced."

A variation:

Ma'am, I'm sorry but this bill is counterfeit.

Dammit, I've been seduced!

[tubatooter1940]

A confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then looks down at his waych for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks,"Is your date running late?'
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of the-art watch and I was testing it."
"A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me.", he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties."
The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast,"

[Rick F]

This could happen to you

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

[tubatooter1940]

Rick F
You know you are getting old when getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

[OldsRecording]

Two Scotsmen, Ewen and Neil, had been friends for nearly 50 years. One day, while they are riding through the gourse and bracken, Ewen gets thrown from his horse and breaks his neck. Realizing his best friend is dying, Neil runs to his friend's side. "Ewen, my friend! Is there anything I can do for you?" "No, I'm afraid my neck's broken and I'm dying." Ewen gasps. "However," said the dying man "Do you remember the first time we met, nearly fifty years ago?" "Of course I do!" replied Neil. "I gave you a bottle of the finest whiskey as a wedding gift!" Said Ewen, in a barely audible voice "I never drank that whiskey. I saved it as a memento of the ocasion." "Oh, heavens, Ewen! That whiskey must be smooth as mountain spring water by now!" "My best friend- I want you to promise me something." "Anything, Ewen, anything!" "After I die, I want you to take that bottle of whiskey and pour it on my grave. Promise me!" "Of course my old friend. I swear." Neil looked up at the breathtaking Highland scenery, back down at his dying friend. "Ewen- that whiskey- you mind very much if I run it just once through my kidneys?"

[Captain Sousie]

A man is hunting and he has to pee really bad. Finally he can't take it any more and leans his shotgun against a nearby tree and proceeds to relieve himself. A gust of wind knocks the shotgun over and it discharges directly into his groin area. He wakes up in a hospital and as he starts to remember how he got there the doctor comes in to check on him.

Doctor: "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we got all of the shot out, there is no infection and you still have all of your parts."

Patient: "What's the bad news?"

Doctor: "I am going to refer you to my brother."

Patient: "Oh, is he a plastic surgeon?"

Doctor: "No he is a flute player in the local symphony orchestra and he'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."

[greatk82]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back.
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said: "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah... My wife!"

[iiipopes]

Country Preacher

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

a Bible,
a silver dollar,
a bottle of whisky
and a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon,I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!  If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard,and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress.''

[bearphonium]

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER.

[windshieldbug]

Montana Golfing Rules Just Released

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests Golf Courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears
unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

[Rick F]

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[OldsRecording]

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

[OldsRecording]

Can't vouch for the absolute authenticity of these, but I thought they were funny.

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police
car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in
spite of the perils of the job, they still have a
sense of humor!

16 " You know, stop lights don't come any redder than
the one you just went through."

15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're
new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."

13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
B ecause that's the speed of the bullet that'll be
chasing you."

11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess
that means I can write anything I want to on the
ticket, huh?"

10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor,
but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that
I'm the shift supervisor?"

9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

8 "The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat
or a dog?"

7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a
place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy
and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
gets a toaster oven."

5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

4 "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to,
but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we
can."

2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a
personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can
post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."

[OldsRecording]

A woman, approaching 50, decided to get a facelift. finally, as fate would have it, on her 50th birthday, her face had healed, and she set off to do some errands. As she stopped by the newsstand, she asked the paper-seller: "How old do you think I am?" "I dunno. 30? 35?" "I'll have you know," said the woman smiling, "Today I am 50 years old!" Then, she stopped by the drugstore, the bank, and a coffee shop, all the time asking the same question, and getting mostly the same response. Finally, as she approached the busstop, she sees an elderly gentleman waiting for the bus. "Sir? How old do you think I am?" "Sweetie, I am 83 years old. Anybody younger than 65 looks young to me. However, when i was a young man, I used to have a sure-fire way to tell a woman's age. just let me put my hands under your blouse, and I will tell you exactly how old you are." The woman looked at him in awkward silence for a while, until her curiosity got the better of her. "Oh, alright. Just be quick, though." So, the man put his hands under her blouse, fondled her breasts for a while, and answered: "You are exactly 50 years old today!" The woman, absolutely amazed, replied "Oh my God! How in the world did you do that?" Smiling, the man said "I was behind you at the durgstore!"

[OldsRecording]

Subject: Why women shouldn't take men shopping against their will



DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........


After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complai nts against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding d epartment.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcemen! t came o ver the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN !"

And last, but not least

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"


Regards, Walmart

[windshieldbug]

A preacher, a politician and an engineer were led to the guillotine. The preacher was asked if he wanted to be face up or face down when he met his fate. The preacher said that he would like to lie face up so he would be looking toward heaven when he died. The blade of the guillotine was raised and released. It came speeding down and suddenly stopped, just inches from his neck. The authorities took this as divine intervention and released the preacher.

Next, the politician came to the guillotine, and he also decided to die facing up, hoping he would be as fortunate as the preacher. So the blade of the guillotine was raised again and released. It came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck, so he was released as well.

The engineer was next, and he too decided to die facing up. The executioner slowly raised the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer said, "Hey, I see what the problem is ..."

[Captain Sousie]

One earthquake says to the other "it's not my fault"

[Captain Sousie]

Did you hear about the dehydrated Frenchman Pierre?