Love & Tubas & Distance

jdsalas · Post by **jdsalas** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 12:44 am

Well, Here's my story.

At the beginning of this year, I accepted this position teaching at a University in Bangkok. It sounded like the perfect situation. Just finished with the DMA course work and could use a real gig. The school even came up with a position for my wife. So, we got married and a week later we moved to Thailand. Talk about a life change!

If any one has worked overseas before you'll know that the situation is not all what they tell you on the phone interview and there's no way they/or you can afford to take a campus visit. But, can anyone turn down an oportunity like this?

My job in Thailand has been great. My students are doing well and they treat teachers here like Gods. The problem is that the position the gave my wife was not even close to the position she was offered. So, after many months of working on this job and it not getting any better we decided that she should go back home to her old job (which she Loved!, but she gave up for me) and start her Masters Degree.

I have to stay in Thailand to finish out my contract (next feb.) , but we've talked about the possibility of me staying another year while she is in school.

My question is this. How many of you out there have to deal with the same (on a much smaller scale, I'm sure) situation of commuting and dealing with a long distance relationship to keep the carreer dreams alive? And, at what point is it not worth it?

Sorry for the long post, just venting my frustrations. Any advice would be appreciatied. Thanks

Stuck In Paradise......
J.D. Salas

RyanSchultz · Post by **RyanSchultz** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 2:59 am

For most of us "distance" inevitably doesn't work. Since it sounds like the position they gave your wife wasn't what they promised I'd say you have every right to give notice and leave at the end of the school year.

Whatever you two decide, best of luck.

Dylan King · Post by **Dylan King** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 3:49 am

Come home to America and be with your wife. You are one flesh.

corbasse · Post by **corbasse** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 6:35 am

I've tried a situation like this for over half a year (Although it was only 1700 miles). The period between the summer vacation and christmas when neither of us had the time or money to come over were some of the most miserable months in my life.

(although certain "colleagues" helped to aggreviate things

)

You will find out for yourself soon enough how much your wife means to you. Chances are you will run back to the U.S. on the earliest flight you can book after your contract has ended.

corbasse · Post by **corbasse** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 8:32 am

Miah wrote:Bah a year apart no biggie. yeah it is hard, and yeah it will suck at times but people in the military do it all the time.

Yeah, my dad used to be away for 6 months at a time as well.
But, joining the military you know before you start your career what'll be in store. This filters out the people who can't or won't stay away from home for that long. It takes a certain kind of people, and not everyone is cut out for it. I found out I'm not, and I guess the OP has to figure this out for himself as well....

ThomasDodd · Post by **ThomasDodd** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 11:10 am

Miah wrote:Bah a year apart no biggie. yeah it is hard, and yeah it will suck at times but people in the military do it all the time. The worst part is getting back home and changing back to making decisions together and all.

I'm reminded of this though: "Navy wife. The toughest job in the Navy" They used to print it on the grocery bags at the comissary.

Would apply to any branch where unaccompanied tours are concerned, but it's the norm in the Navy. Long, unaccompanied deployment lead to a high incidence of divorce in the military. Wives get lonely waiting at home. Husbands take advantage of "security" of distance and have affairs.

Most couples are not cut out for it. Unfortunately, you think you are until you find out you were wrong.

Good luck, if you go that route J.D.

MaryAnn · Post by **MaryAnn** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 11:20 am

Way back before divorce was so common, a very good friend of mine married her college sweetheart, and then they went to separate graduate schools; not so far apart, as they were in Indiana and Wisconsin. They managed it and are still happily married 35 years later. They did have a strong common religious belief to back them up.

If you both think you can, you can; if either one of you thinks you can't, you can't. If you're not both solidly committed to the marriage, the chances of its going on the rocks are high no matter where you live, together or apart.

MA

Mudman · Post by **Mudman** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 11:28 am

Absence makes the heart go yonder.

Firsthand experience--distance relationships don't work.

jdsalas · Post by **jdsalas** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 11:30 am

Thanks alot for the advice and support.

J.D.

dtemp · Post by **dtemp** » Fri Nov 12, 2004 11:37 am

My wife-to-be is doing graduate work in Mankato, while I'm still finishing up my undergrad in Eau Claire. We get married in June, and I still have another semester left after that (you can thank my Physics professor for that). I was apprehensive about the distance (about a 4 hour drive), but it's working out so far. I miss her a lot and with our busy schedules its hard to see eachother as much as we'd like. But I figure, what's a few months compared to a lifetime? I'm sticking it out and I know I'll be glad that I did. The real question is can she get a job where I'm going to grad school (destination to be determined)? I don't know how, but we'll make it work I'm sure. When you love someone that much, you just make things work.

My 2 cents,
Dave

Tubadork · Post by **Tubadork** » Mon Nov 15, 2004 2:03 am

hey,
me and my girlriend spent almost 3 years apart {both military} (Atlanta to Arizona you would think that they both start with "A" that they would be closer

)
it was hard but we made it work. She would always remind me that Fritz Kaenzig lives and teaches in Michigan and his wife plays in LA and they make it work. Do some soul searching, know your limits and best of luck.
Bill Pritchard

Captain Sousie · Post by **Captain Sousie** » Mon Nov 15, 2004 3:51 pm

I can tell you from experience that being apart for a significant amount of time is one of the hardest things that a couple can go through. You have to know the possible consequences for your actions and be willing to take them. After that it is up to you.

Sousie

Tubatoad · Post by **Tubatoad** » Mon Nov 15, 2004 7:55 pm

Which do you value most, the marriage or the job? Signing up for a second year will tell your wife she is #2, even if she says she understands. Which will last the longest, which will provide emotional support, even when you mess up? Take the long view; in 50 years which will you regret more, losing the job or losing the wife? Even if you are great at the job, you can still get fired in a workforce reduction, so you can lose both wife and job.
Painful decision, but IMHO a simple one.
Best of luck with whatever path you choose,

Steve Oberheu · Post by **Steve Oberheu** » Tue Nov 16, 2004 3:11 am

Yeah, I know that situation well. My wife and I were just married this past summer. She moved to Canada, where she plays horn in Winnipeg, while I came back to finish my master's at USC. The thing that made it ok to deal with the distance was, as my wife put it, the fact that there was indeed a plan to end the distance. If you both have a definite plan of ending the time apart, then you can somehow manage to forge through it. Once you both arrive at that arrangement, then you can make peace with the distance. You can find a balance somewhere in there.

Best of luck to you both!

Steve Oberheu