Puns!

[tubaguy9]

A rabbi finishes school, to become a rabbi, and since he's a person filled with God's love, he decides to help a group of people. So, he goes to a place called "Tridsville" where some short fat people called "Trids" live. He tells them "I will help you with anything you want. I was sent here by God to help you, so what would you like me to help you with first?" A group of these Trids reply "Help us climb up this mountain. There are giants that keep running down the mountain, and kick us down, like kickballs." So, the rabbi agrees to help them with this task. The rabbi decides to take 3 Trids with him to climb the mountain. They start climbing the mountain without trouble. Until about 1/5 the way up, a giant runs down and kicks a Trid down the mountain. This short and fat Trid bounces and rolls down the mountain. Another fifth of the way up, another giant runs down, and kicks another Trid down the mountain. This one, too, bounces and rolls down the mountain like the other Trid. They finally get around 3/5 the way up the mountain, when another giant runs and kicks the final Trid down the mountain. The rabbi is scared by now, since all of his Trid buddies have already been kicked off the mountain. Finally, after some time he gets to the top of the mountain and finds the giants gathered around a campfire. The rabbi, rather confused, asks "Why did you keep kicking the Trids down the mountain? Why only them? Why didn't you guys do anything to me?" To which a giant replys...
(Wait for it...)







(Oh jeez...)






(Ready?)




(Please forgive me)
"Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

[tubaguy9]

A frog walks into a bank, and wants to apply for a Lilly pad Improvement Loan, since he's a frog, and he lives at a Lilly pad. He talks to someone, and gets a banker named Patty Whack. So, he tells Patty Whack that he wants a Lilly pad Improvement Loan. So, they start discussing the terms of the loan, and Patty Whack asks about some asset, in case the frog defaults on his loan. The frog pulls out a pink ceramic elephant and passes it to Patty Whack. She asks him if he has any other assets, since she doesn't know if this will work. They discuss the loan and talk some more, and the frog mentions that his dad is Mick Jagger. They keep discussing the loan, and finally, Patty
Whack decides that she has to talk to the boss. She goes to talk to him, and says "Sir, I have a frog in here for a Lilly pad Improvement Loan, and he claims that the only collateral and asset that he has to offer is a pink ceramic elephant. We talked some more, and I found out that his dad is Mick Jagger. So, what do you think?" To which her boss replies...
(here it goes again...)







(do you think her boss plays tuba? )









(are you ready for this?)
"It's a nick nack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[tubaguy9]

Don't you guys think this thread is a bit punny?

[tubatooter1940]

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

[OldsRecording]

A magician walked down the street and suddenly turned into a bar.

[windshieldbug]

A high jumper walked down the street and suddenly hit his head on a bar.

[tubatooter1940]

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.

[ken k]

I am not even sure these are worth reading, but here you go; read at your own risk!!!!

Subject: FW: Puns for the Educated


1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it".
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with ... Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tate's is lost!"

6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."



7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that ... The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."


You made it this far!!!!! Don't blame me. i warned you!!!!
ken k

[Kevin Hendrick]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

We'd better keep an ion that one!

[windshieldbug]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

We'd better keep an ion that one!

Don't split hares!

[Kevin Hendrick]

We'd better keep an ion that one!

Don't split hares!

Why do you guys wish to "pun"-ish each other?

Probably "something in the err" ... or maybe "it's the what're" ...

[The Jackson]

I can't stand pundits...

[Kevin Hendrick]

I can't stand pundits...

Easily solved -- have a seat!

[windshieldbug]

We'd better keep an ion that one!

Don't split hares!

Why do you guys wish to "pun"-ish each other?

I was going to recite the alphabet, but why should I list "N" to you!?

[Kevin Hendrick]

Don't split hares!

Why do you guys wish to "pun"-ish each other?

I was going to recite the alphabet, but why should I list "N" to you!?

(I/2) know IDR ...

[tubatooter1940]

When William Joined the army, he hated the phrase, "Fire at will".

[tubatooter1940]

This guy wrote a cook book for cannibals.
He had a wife and ate kids.

[windshieldbug]

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his cousin in the woods?

He was a salted/assaulted cousin.

[ken k]

Two cannibals eating a clown,one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

I know that was posted previously but i figured i would use it again since we seemed to be on a cannibal run... (wasn't that a movie a few years back?)

[tubatooter1940]

Staying with the cannibal theme:

Two cannibals were enjoying dinner together. One said,"I hate my mother-in-law. I just hate her." The other replied,
"Well, just eat the vegatables."

Two cannibals caught a nice fat missionary. They had no knife to divide him up. One suggested they cook him up and then lay him on a table. One could start eating at the head and the other at the feet and meet in the middle.
The guy who started at the head was happily chomping away and hollered at his companion, "How're you doing down there, buddy?"
The other replied, "I'm having a ball!" The first one complained, "You're eating too fast."