Directors say the darndest things to the tuba section

[TUBAD83]

This exchange took place at our dress rehearsal for the Christmas concert this coming Sunday.
We were playing at the beginning of "Dance of the Reedpipes" from "The Nutcracker":

Too much tubas, too much!--I only need ONE tuba playing at the beginning!
I replied: That was ONE tuba sir--he just have one of those BIG LOUD tubas!--got a big laugh from our director

JJ

[MikeS]

I stopped short of telling him that the only way he'd hear less tuba would be if I was to leave the building.

Something like this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lE809U-P5Zw" target="_blank" target="_blank

[erickvonsas]

I was once playing Music for Prague 1968 and was told that my glissandos were too "flamboyant." I replyed "Well if you had an octave and a half gliss to nowhere, you'd sound pretty 'flamboyant' too."

[Rick Denney]

I stopped short of telling him that the only way he'd hear less tuba would be if I was to leave the building.

Maybe you should have suggested that he would hear less tube if he left the building.

Back in the day, the tuba section of the band in which I played had grown unable to tolerate the inability of a certain conductor to maintain a tempo. He would complain that we were dragging. So, we adopted a policy of holding the tempo no matter what he did, and his usual response was "thanks, tubas, for keeping up." You're welcome! But once we took it too far, and we crossed over into active awareness on his part. Probably it was the giggling.

Rick "who prefers it when the conductor is never motivated to address the tuba section at all" Denney

[Funcoot]

"No humping in the back tubas."

He was referring to our sound. We were pretty plonky and loud that day. Haha. We had a good laugh.

[jamsav]

Trittico , sitting in front of Vaclav Nehlybel , 2nd movt. ( I think ) ffff low G or Eb , " Tubas !!!!, dat ees not loudt enufff !!!" , so, the three of us huddle up and blow the old bast@#$ right off of the podium . " Tubas , Dat ees not goodt enuff !!! "
Local community band director speaking to the clarinet section about the tubas , " I try to ignore them , I really dont want to ever look over there...somehow , I sense that ecourages them...."

[TCtubaKingConn00]

"Why don't you rehearse the tubas?" whining French Horn player
"because they stay in tune" my director
"only with each other not a tuner" me

"Why don't you rehearse the tubas?" whining trumpet player
"because they know their part" my director
"we have music i thought we were jamming" me

"Why don't you rehearse the tubas?" random band kid
"because i don't have to TC takes care of that" my director
"take care of what?" me
"rehearsing us" sophmore tuba
"we do that" JR tuba
"i think so..." me
"we just dat good" FR tuba
"shut up freshman" JR tuba

[RanmaSyaoran]

"Put your strap on cock!" - Our Yorkshireman conductor hurrying one of the new basses to put his marching strap on before we set off. (Calling an individual "cocker" is normal in his town)

Needless to say, we didn't march straight for the entire thing, we kept breaking down in fits of laughter!

[taylorbeaty]

back in 8th grade, the band director told told me and the other tuba player that we sounded like, "a couple elephants who had a little too much to eat and were having problems" or something along those lines.

[Michael Bush]

Heh. The brass judge who comes to mind was surely a director somewhere. On the tape he said, "Tubas, you sound like cement mixers." Very shortly all of us in the section had shirts that said "TC [our school] Cement Mixers" on the front and "Oompah" on the back. Our director was not amused.

[tuba72]

We were playing Sleigh Ride for christmas one year so I tried to do the horse whinny. The director said "It sounds like the horse had too much fiber!

[tubalex]

A prominent orchestra conductor once had something to say to me and the euphonium player on Ein Heldenleben. His comment to us started with "tuba... and... um... the other tuba..."

[TCtubaKingConn00]

Rick "who prefers it when the conductor is never motivated to address the tuba section at all" Denney

my new director is a bassbone and he barely ever calls is out. I don't think he can hear the low tones

[stockhausen]

Not said to the tubas, but to our whole Brass Ensemble, our director told us during rehearsal;

"Play like you don't suck!"

[bort]

In college... on missing a cue: "You're a day late, a dollar short, and you don't even know where your pants are."

[graybach]

Professor Joseph Hermann at Tennessee Tech was fond of saying, "Tubas, could we have less hair on the bell?"

[windshieldbug]

We once had a guest conductor who was a name arranger [although 90, still working, so his name will be omitted] doing a "special" Christmas Pops concert.

We get to a section in one piece and he looks over and yells, "TUBA!... OK, back at 45"

They play it again, same section and he yells, "TUBA!!!!!".
He's getting steamed, but I put my hands in the air and shrug.
"Nothing there."

"Goddammit, I wrote this GD arrangement, and that's a big tuba part!!!"

"No, sir", I said and passed the part forward.

<long pause as the part is passed from viola to viola until it makes it to the podium>

"Hmmmmmm, I coulda.... " No more comment. The part comes back.

So for the concert I intercepted his scores before they went out to the podium.
In that piece, at that part, I inserted a card which, in part, read,
"Merry F***ing Christmas!!! From the Tuba!!!"

When we got to that part, he reached down, opened the card in the score, put it in his jacket pocket, and looked over sheepishly.

[Professional Tubist on a Closed Stage - Do Not Try at Home]

[Teubonium]

Director to tuba player warming up before rehearsal:

"Do you prefer that sound to the sound of a tuba?!"

[doublebuzzing]

I heard a story once about the Minnesota Orchestra rehearsing Alpine Symphony. On one of those low loud ones I gather the bass trombone and tuba came in a little too ripe for the conductor Edo DeWaart. He stopped the orchestra and looked back at them, covered his nose, and said, "I could smell that one all the way up here." Needless to say, the recording they made of this piece had them playing much softer--I guess they got the message.

[Mark]

I'm playing Mahler 6. In the final movement, not the opening solo, but an exposed tuba part later on, the conductor is sometimes rehearsing a section in 2 and sometimes in 4. The problem is that when he does it in 4, the beat is not even close to twice as fast. So, against my better judgement, I asked him if he was going to conduct in 2 or 4 at the concert. He says "Don't watch me, just follow the pulse".

BTW, here is the opening: http://www.dogandtuba.com/Mahler6.mp3. @*(%@(*! French horn.