Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 1:20 pm

ThomasDodd wrote:Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, South Carolina, North Carolina, Mississippi, Texas, Arkansas, Alabama, West Virgina, and Kentucky were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were, "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin'."

The other 10.7% were, "Shoot! No way am I lettin' go o' this beer to grab that wheel!"

imperialbari · Post by **imperialbari** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 10:27 pm

SplatterTone · Post by **SplatterTone** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 11:25 pm

And now, for a trip down memory lane.
Y'all have seen this at one time or 'nother.

imperialbari · Post by **imperialbari** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 11:35 pm

TubaRay · Post by **TubaRay** » Wed Dec 14, 2005 8:58 am

imperialbari wrote:Certainly a menu as tasteful as most tuba playing!
Klaus

Klaus, you are probably right, however we must remember that everyone on TubeNet is above average.

tubatooter1940 · Post by **tubatooter1940** » Sat Dec 17, 2005 1:15 pm

Klaus, were you mugged by a tuba player, recently?
Dennis (hopefully above average and determined never to offend Klaus) Gray
www.johnreno.com/

SplatterTone · Post by **SplatterTone** » Fri Dec 30, 2005 3:40 pm

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Fri Dec 30, 2005 3:52 pm

Among the most frightening occasions celebrated in 2005: two attempts, in Kimberly, British Columbia, and St. John's, Newfoundland, at shattering the world record for the number of people simultaneously playing accordions for a half-hour (644 in Kimberly, eclipsed by 989 in St. John's).

Bozeman Daily Chronicle, Aug. 11

Canadian Press, Aug. 6

SplatterTone · Post by **SplatterTone** » Fri Dec 30, 2005 4:06 pm

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Fri Dec 30, 2005 4:07 pm

bloke wrote:Isn't Musicians' Hell full of saxophones, accordians, banjos, bagpipes, and American Idol applicants ?

That's just the outer circle. The inner circle is made up of Oboes and Violas...

imperialbari · Post by **imperialbari** » Thu Jan 05, 2006 2:08 am

tubeast · Post by **tubeast** » Thu Jan 05, 2006 2:57 am

In rural areas, you donÂ´t need to use turning signals because everybody else knows you and where youÂ´re going at that time of the day.

You want to figure out who in larger cities is of rural origin ?
Spot the people who canÂ´t help but greet ANYBODY they pass on the sidewalk. (This is true. I was raised in Essen, Germany, a city of 650,000 inhabitants and have been living in a village of 3500 over the past 5 years. I have to consciously keep myself from saying "GrÃ¼ÃŸ Gott" to everybody I pass in the mall.)

imperialbari · Post by **imperialbari** » Thu Jan 05, 2006 4:41 am

MaryAnn · Post by **MaryAnn** » Thu Jan 05, 2006 11:17 am

Klaus, I will neither ask about nor refer to the donkeys in the future, and I suggest you keep this particular aspect under your hat.

And Bloke, #8 had me laughing out loud since I remember it clearly from my short sojourn in Jackson, Tennessee. I still call it a "Y'All Haul." I'm sure they remember me, too, but for different reasons.

MA

tubatooter1940 · Post by **tubatooter1940** » Thu Jan 05, 2006 9:30 pm

Klaus, as a mounted rural carrier (Oldsmobile) I had to sort mail while driving a car . I made it a million miles without killing anybody. Got lucky!
Finally found a cat that loves to go sailing with us and doesn't mind standing night watch.
I believe that in musician's hell every band has one chick singer that sings every song, all night long.

imperialbari · Post by **imperialbari** » Tue Jan 10, 2006 12:35 am

ThomasDodd · Post by **ThomasDodd** » Tue Jan 10, 2006 7:01 pm

harold wrote:Another thing about the South:
You can say anything bad about anyone you want and they can't take offense as long as you follow it with "Ain't that sweet?"

No, No, No.

The phrase is "Bless his/her/your/their heart"

As in "That boy ain't got a lick of sense, bless his heart"

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Wed Jan 11, 2006 12:15 pm

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was
reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was NOT mustard.....

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard . . .

"Poupon."

tubatooter1940 · Post by **tubatooter1940** » Sun Jan 15, 2006 8:12 am

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
Ay flat miner.

tubatooter1940 · Post by **tubatooter1940** » Mon Jan 16, 2006 10:13 pm

What do women and pianos have in common?
When they're not upright, they're grand.