Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Thu Mar 15, 2007 6:08 pm

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons disbarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 6:52 am

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor
grill and cook venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing
such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass---and the Priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist but now you are Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the
neighborhood. The neighbors called the priest immediately.

As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary, and
prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised as a deer, but now you is a catfish."

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Fri Mar 16, 2007 6:20 pm

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Sat Mar 17, 2007 6:55 am

On board a flight to Hawaii, the pilot announced, "That thump you heard was our last engine conking out. I'm really sorry to tell you this, but we are going to crash into the ocean."

In the stunned silence that followed, an angry voice spoke out. "Dammit! That stupid doctor of mine! He said I was going to die of cancer."

"He lied!"

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Sat Mar 17, 2007 7:00 am

An Irishman named Mike O'Leary went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Mike in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have a cancer known as Galloping Leukemia and it can't be cured. I give you two weeks to a month."

Mike, who was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son, who had been waiting. Mike said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs, some tears, and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Mike's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Mike told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Leary their condolences and they all had a few more beers.

After his friends left, Mike's son leaned over and whispered in confusion, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS."

Mike replied, "I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone.

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Sat Mar 17, 2007 7:03 am

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Sat Mar 17, 2007 7:04 am

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Sat Mar 17, 2007 7:07 am

Beer Facts and Lore

About 4000 years ago, it was the accepted practice in Babylonia that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calender was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know to day as the "Honey moon"

Before invention of the thermometer, brewers used to check the temperature by dipping their thumb, to find whether appropriate for adding Yeast. Too hot, the yeast would die. This is where we get the phrase " The Rule of the Thumb"

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender used to yell at themto mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. From where we get "mind your own P's and Q's".

After consuming a vibrant brew called Aul or Ale, the Vikings would go fearlessly to the battlefield, without their armour, or even their shirts. The "Berserk" means "bear shirt" in norse, and eventually to the meaning of wild battles.

Way down in 1740, the Admiral Veron of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum, which naturally, the sailors weren't pleased with. They nicknamed the Admiral Old Grog, after the still stiff grogram coats he used to wear. The term grog soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you are drunk on this this grog, you are "groggy", a word still in use.

Long ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim of their beer mugs or ceremic/glass cups. The whistle was used to order services. Thus we get the phrase, "wet your whistle".

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Sat Mar 17, 2007 7:08 am

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...

Darn! There goes another one!"

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Sat Mar 17, 2007 7:11 am

Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Sat Mar 17, 2007 7:21 am

"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"

"I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Sat Mar 17, 2007 7:28 am

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Sat Mar 17, 2007 7:37 am

Tim Kelly was walking thorough a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?"
Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch.
"Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?"
"It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me."
"He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?"
"Only Mrs. Murphy's ***," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight."

TMurphy · Post by **TMurphy** » Sat Mar 17, 2007 12:10 pm

I just want to congratulate everyone on 100 pages worth of jokes in this thread!! Great job.

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Sat Mar 17, 2007 12:14 pm

Wade: This 100 is due to you! (OK, then it's your fault... )

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Sat Mar 17, 2007 1:46 pm

bloke wrote:What about people from Germany?

Virusi!?

Brassdad · Post by **Brassdad** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 7:01 am

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud

Wooohooo!!!! 1200!!!

windshieldbug · Post by **windshieldbug** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 11:33 am

Brassdad wrote:What do you call a sheep with no legs?

Anything you want. It's still not going to come...

EuphDad · Post by **EuphDad** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 11:48 am

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

Deaf?

Rick F · Post by **Rick F** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 12:15 pm

Ten reasons why some men favor guns over women:

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN