Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[Rick F]

What's the difference between a pigeon and a stock broker?


A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.

[windshieldbug]

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

[OldsRecording]

Two mental patients, supervised by a female nurse, were sitting on a park bench enjoying a nice, sunny day. A large bird, possibly an osprey, flew over and released a large bowel movement which struck one of the men directly on his bald head. Fearing he would have a conniption, the nurse said as calmly as she could; "Now don't panic. I'm going to run inside, get some toilet paper, and I'll be right back out! Don't move, okay?". With that she ran inside. The man said nothing for several minutes, then turned to his companion and remarked "I don't know what her hurry was. That bird will be eighty miles from here by the time she gets back with that toilet paper."

[Brassdad]

In keeping with the last post.....

*MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU*

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 _repeatedly_.

If you are co-dependent , please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid , we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional , press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic , listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive , hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic , press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar , please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please
wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss , press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal , put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.

[windshieldbug]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Ralph."
Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"
"Not bad," replied Ralph the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never," said Ralph.
"Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

"Ralph! Wake up! You've crapped all over the bed!"

[tubatooter1940]

Think those last two were bad?
A fisherman out with several friends was having great luck while everybody else in the boat got barely a nibble. So they watched him take out a bait, sniff it, put it on his hook and catch a fish. He took out another bait, sniffed it, put it on his hook and immediately caught another fish.
The others in the boat had to ask him what he did to catch so many fish.
He replied, "My friend is a doctor from a Jewish neighborhood. He saves me all the foreskins he gets from circumcisions he performs on all the kids. Fish love 'em."
One of them asked him, Why do you sniff them before you put them on your hook?"
He replied, "My doctor buddy has a strange sense of humor. He tries to slip an a$$ h*#@ in on me occasionally."

[tubaguy9]

That last one reminded me of a joke...

So, this rabbi has a jar full of foreskins that he has collected while being a rabbi. So, one day he decides to have something done with them to make them of use. So he takes them to a leather worker.

"Will you make something out of these foreskins" asks the rabbi,
the leather worker replies, "I'll see what I can do. I should be able to have something done by the end of this week."

A week goes by.

The rabbi goes back to the shop of the leather worker and asks for what the leather worker made. The leather worker hands him a wallet.

"This is the size of what you could make with all the foreskins?" asks the rabbi, somewhat surprised,
leather worker replies, "rub it a bit, and it will turn into a breifcase."

[OldsRecording]

Top 10 Ways to "Stand Out" When Job Hunting:

1. Give potential employers the email: supasnugglykitty4U@yahoo.com" target="_blank" target="_blank
2. Show you're comfortable...wear furry bear claw slippers
3. Put glitter on your resume
4. Kiss their hand when they extend it for a handshake
5. Write "Super Good Looking" under Qualifications
6. Write "abdominal muscles" under Greatest Weakness
7. Pull out "Big League Chew" bubble gum; offer it to the interviewers
8. Address The Boss as "homeslice"
9. Eat a handful of chocolate covered espresso beans prior to interviews
10. Have Glamour Shots pics taken - attach to resumes

11. When you ask a question, preface it with "Riddle me this, Batman..."

[Rick F]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow', this is Mujibar."

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have!

=============
I'm sure I spoke with Mujibar before with a DSL problem I had. Silly me, I thought AT&T was an American company.

[tbn.al]

But for the Grace of God, there go I.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kuhSW8w0ok" target="_blank

[tubatooter1940]

Cop pulls over a drunk. Cop gets a whiff when the drunk rolls the window down.
Cop asks, "You drinking?"
Drunk guy answers, "You buying?"

[tbn.al]

I'm sure I spoke with Mujibar before with a DSL problem I had. Silly me, I thought AT&T was an American company. [/quote]

Mujibar sent me a picture of him at his desk.

me at my new job.jpg

[Rick F]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident. The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!"

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is that risk involved.
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?

[tubaguy9]

Now don't go and get my thread locked…

So you want Bees wax or dental floss on that pivot screw? (since I can't use thread locker)

[OldsRecording]

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer
they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't
unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would
approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak
to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off.
But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of
money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops,
but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching
her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that
she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic
devices?' He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go
lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up
and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and
then leave. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the
road.

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he
said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do?' his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife..

'Yes!' he replied.

PLEASE SCROLL DOWN

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OOOOH! You're gonna dislike me for this -
But it will make your day!

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'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'

[ken k]

Hey that belongs in the pun thread!!!!

[tubaguy9]

Hey that belongs in the pun thread!!!!

Well...I guess it is a bit punny...

[Tubman]

26. You actually remember why "Deep Throat" was important (no, not the movie... Well, OK, the movie, too!)

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

[windshieldbug]

(Mommy works at Home Depot...)

Wow! Now they have pole dancing at Home Despot! I really should get out more!

[Nick Pierce]

(Mommy works at Home Depot...)

Wow! Now they have pole dancing at Home Despot! I really should get out more!

Looking for a new career path?