Friday's Funny (but on a Monday) - THE TNFJ Joke Repository

[Eric B]

I got this off of Car Talk.



It was Christmas Eve and a man went to a restaurant for breakfast while on a business trip. The waiter took his order: Eggs Benedict.

When the meal arrived everything looked in order except the waiter served it on a big, shiny, metal platter. The customer said, "Sir, I've ordered Eggs Benedict many times and never before was it served on such a fancy platter." The waiter replied (this is painful...are you ready for this?)

...


.....


........


...........

..............

.....................

.........................

.................................


...............................................


....................................................."Oh, sir. Don't you know that there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

[tubatooter1940]

It was the night before Chistmas and all through the garage,
not a creature was stirring - not even the Dodge.
The tires were hung on the wallboards with care,
with hopes that Saint Nicholas would fill them with air.

[OldsRecording]

A young saloon keeper was on his first day of work in a little town out west. He glanced up, only to notice a commotion outside, and became aware that everybody was running in the same direction. He walked outside and grabbed a man by the arm and asked him what was going on. "You'd best get out of town while you still can! Big Bart is on his way!" "Who's Big Bart?" asked the bartender. "Oh, he's the biggest, toughest, meanest hombre this side of the Pecos! He'll rip you limb from limb soon as look at you! I'd skedaddle if I were you!" And the man ran off. Understandibly nervous, the bartender went back inside to close up shop, when suddenly a shadow fell across the doorway, the swinging doors flew off their hinges, and in walked a man who had to be 7 feet tall, 400 pounds, huge, bushy black beard and an ugly, disfiguring scar down the left side of his face. "HEY BARKEEP!" hollered the stranger "YOU THERE?" "Ummm, yes," replied the bartender, who had thrown himself on the floor behind the bar. "WELL, I'M THIRSTY! GIMME A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY!" Nervously the bartender handed a bottle to the stranger, who broke the neck off with his teeth and guzzled it down in one gulp. "GIMME ANOTHER ONE!" shouted the man, the bartender handed him another bottle, and he did the same thing. "Would you like another one, Sir?" asked the bartender. "AIN'T GOT TIME!" yelled the stranger "AIN'T YOU HEARD? BIG BART'S COMIN' TO TOWN!"

[OldsRecording]

During WWII, two British soldiers were lost in the desert west of El Alamein. While they were crouched behind a dune, one of the men (an officer) checked through their meager supplies while the other (a private) scanned the horizon with his binoculars. Suddenly the private stopped, focused in on something, and and gasped. "Bloody hell!" said the younger man. "What is it ?" "I don't believe my eyes, but it looks like a bacon tree!" "A bacon tree? Are you sure?" said the officer and took the binoculars. Sure enough, in a small oasis, there was a small tree, about four feet high, and aparently covered with various pork products. So, the two men, who hadn't eaten for a day and a half, jumped up and started running for the tree. As they neared the tree, suddenly the officer stopped and yelled "GET DOWN, YOU SOD! GET DOWN!" and the two men dove for cover just in time to avoid a hail of machine gun fire. When the firing stopped, the private said to the officer "I don't get it, sir. What happend?" "Sorry about that, Jones, 'ad me fooled, too." "What did?" said the private ."That's not a bacon tree." replied the officer. "Well, then what was it?" "We almost ran into an 'am bush!"

[Rick F]

Late one evening a Tennessee State trooper pulled a car over on I-24 about 2 miles west of Monteagle, TN. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Nashville to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunken good old boy from Grundy County got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my *** to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test!"

[Kevin Hendrick]

Startled me for a sec -- had to look twice at the new thread name, but then realised it said "REpository", so that's OK ...

[Søren]

HomeComputer.jpg

[LoyalTubist]

I'm supporting this thread, Wade.

[ken k]

Sorry...

BREAKFAST AT DENNY'S

In honor of Nadya Suleman the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast special:

You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding....
We have ourselves a winner folks......
great one jim!

did you hear she is buying herslef a new house. 2400 square feet with three baths and four bedrooms, for 15 people!!!!

[ken k]

Here's an oldie but goodie. Especially relevant in the recent weeks...

(I hope it isn't flagged for being political)

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium."

Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A second's worth of exposure to Governmentium will cause any action to take four hundred times longer to complete, and cost five times as much.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (aka Bureaucratium) - an element which radiates as much energy as the Governmentium, but has half as many peons and twice as many morons.

[The Jackson]

This taken from the 6th floor of the TNFJ Joke Repository.

[LoyalTubist]

Wade,
I had McSpaghetti for lunch with Chicken McDo. I wish they would give me something besides a leg for that... I'd prefer a breast or a thigh...





And someone's going to say, "Bill, you would!"

[windshieldbug]

BREAKFAST AT DENNY'S

14 eggs over easy, hold the sausage, and one Tab covered by the people at the counter...

[ken k]

In honor of St. Patrick's Day:

What's Irish and sits in the back yard???






































Patty O'Furniture!!!!!

[windshieldbug]

Peg O'Thegarden

[Carroll]

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also July 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.


P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale $2.99 each

[tubatooter1940]

As a baritone who spent 24 years in bars singing covers of tunes by tenors, it's a pleasure to find my hatred of tenors is not exclusive:

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Tenor:

1. Tenors get high without drugs.
2. Name a musical where the bass got the girl.
3. You can show sopranos how it SHOULD be sung.
4. Did you ever hear of anyone paying $1000 a ticket to see "Three Basses".
5. Who needs brains when you've got resonance?
6. Tenors never have to waste time looking through the self improvement section of the book store.
7. You get to sing along with John Denver singing, "High Calypso".
8.When you develop a really high falsetto, you can make tons of money doing voice-overs for cartoon characters.
9. Gregorian chant was practically invented for tenors. Nobody invented a genre for baritones.
10. You can entertain your friends by impersonating Julia Child.

[windshieldbug]

4. Did you ever hear of anyone paying $1000 a ticket to see "Three Basses" [?]

Sure, it's called "The World Series"

[Rick F]

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 old timer is reading forums...



You hang in there sunshine......

[TubaRay]

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 old timer is reading forums...

You hang in there sunshine......

I have reliable information that your statistics are inaccurate!